


obsession with time

by lovedbyshadows



Series: choking on thyme (drowning in the pastpresentfuture) [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Badass Armin Arlert, Badass Eren Yeager, Badass Mikasa Ackerman, Blood and Gore, Canon Era, Canon-Typical Violence, Crazy Eren Yeager, Declarations Of Love, Depressed Eren Yeager, Emotional Sex, Eren Has Anger Issues, Eren Has PTSD, Eren Has a Secret, Eren Is Dead Inside, Eren Yeager Being Creepy, Eren Yeager Has Issues, Eren Yeager Loves Levi, Eren Yeager Needs a Hug, Everyone's a little badass, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hange Zoë's Experiments, Humor, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kiss Kiss Fall In Blood, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Has Feelings, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Has OCD, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Has a Secret, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Swears, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) is a Softie, Levi Loves Eren Yeager, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, Obsession, POV Eren Yeager, Panic Attacks, Protective Mikasa Ackerman, Sad, Scientist Hange Zoë, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Smart Eren Yeager, Smut, Time Loop, Unconditional Love, Unrequited Love, sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2018-12-29 23:57:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 41,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12096240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovedbyshadows/pseuds/lovedbyshadows
Summary: A Time Loop AU I couldn't for the life of me get out of my head. Expect sadness and maybe happiness. Maybe.Or,In which Eren's stuck in a time loop and wants it to stop.





	1. trois

He's running, jumping, _flying_ over the buildings that surround him. Trost. Overcome with titans. He'll kill them. He'll kill them all. Or, at least, he wants to.

He never gets to. There's a _clack_ and he screams as his leg is bitten off. He falters and crashes onto the roof next to him, landing in a crumpled heap. He doesn't move. He stares, blankly, as his teammates are eaten in front of him. It's horrifying. He wishes he could close his eyes, but he stares, transfixed.

An all too familiar voice screams in desperation and, suddenly, he's moving. It happens in a blur. Pulling Armin from the bearded titan's mouth and throwing him onto the roof next to them. Straining to keep the titan's mouth open, arm reaching for Armin. He's not strong enough and he screams when the titan's mouth snaps shut. As he's swallowed. He lands in hot, slimy fluid and lets the tears fall. He screams until his voice leaves him, cries until he has no more tears to shed, struggles until he can't move. He closes his eyes and accepts his fate.

They say misfortune comes in threes. And he thinks maybe he's done.

 

 

~~~

He wakes up with a gasp. Fear still cold in his veins, weighing him down. His face is wet ( _tears? blood?_ ) and he looks around, wildly. Mikasa is in front of him. Unmistakably Mikasa with her trademark scarf and concerned charcoal eyes. Unmistakably _not_ Mikasa with long hair that danced in the wind and a small, frail body. The hardness of her features was no more, replaced by an innocence he thought she'd given up in exchange for becoming a soldier.

This is not the Mikasa he'd fought with. The one whose body was littered with scars and mind stained in red. Instead, the girl from his childhood stood before him, soft and pliant.

"Eren, why are you crying?" her voice is softer, higher than he remembers. And he shivers at the _wrong_ feeling it gives him.

"Bad dream," his answer is short and clipped, but he can still hear the difference. The voice he knew to be his was deep, having left childhood behind. This was not. It was much like Mikasa's, only a bit gruff. He hates it. Want to claw his throat out at the wrongness of it.

"You didn't gather any wood, did you?" Mikasa asks, her concern fading slightly. Eren knows it's not a question so much as a statement. He answers anyway.

"No," her brow arches. She clearly expected for him to defend himself, but Eren is tired. So tired. All he wants to do is sleep. But, a sense of duty he hadn't possessed before joining the military, binds him to complete the task given to him. "I'll do it now."

He doesn't wait for her to respond, already gathering his things, and makes his way into the wood. She follows him and Eren smiles. Some things never change. He works quickly, gathering wood expertly, and he can practically feel Mikasa's confusion. Military training was useful after all.

Eren finishes quickly and turns to leave, Mikasa trailing behind him. He doesn't stop. Not even to watch the Survey Corps return. Instead, he continues on to his home, ignoring everything around him. He's focused on one thing. His mother. He can barely remember her. Her soft honeyed amber eyes, her hands carding through his hair, her voice humming nameless melodies. Eren stops at the sight of their small, brick house. So similar yet so different from the one beside it. And he feels tears blur his vision. He walks into the house, his house, and sets to depositing the wood he'd gathered, Mikasa doing the same. He hears her walk up behind him and Eren aches.

"Mikasa gathered all the wood again, didn't she? Did you fall asleep again?" she asks and pinches his ear and Eren breaks. All at once. And suddenly he's sobbing in his mother's arms. It feels like home. "Eren, sweetie? What's wrong?"

Eren tries to answer, tries to form words, but ultimately fails. Chokes on his tears and buries his face in her neck. He inhales greedily, shakily, trying to engrave her cookie sweet scent in his mind. Mikasa hovers next to them, anxiously. "He's been a bit off ever since he woke up from his nap."

"Eren?" she brushes his bangs from his forehead and hums softly. She's soft and warm, like a pillow. Just like he remembers. Eren cries harder, clinging to her as if his life depended on it. She only holds him through it, never questioning, and he's grateful.

"What's wrong with the boy?" his father asks from the door, preparing to leave and Eren raises his head up to glare at him. Grisha shivers and bids his family goodbye, leaving quickly.

Eren pushes the brief encounter from his mind and relishes in his mother's embrace. His sobs slowly quiet until they fade into sniffles. His mother moves them to a dining chair and he refuses to budge. He stays with her, curled up in her embrace with Mikasa holding his hand, as she hums lullabies of her own creation to him. He stays, even with the screams brought forth from the breach echoing through his head, even with the debris crushing their house. He stays and closes his eyes with a smile as he dies with his mother and sister.

~~~

He wakes with a gasp. And screams.


	2. vingt-deux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren meets Levi.

 

Eren lazily traces the scar on his chest through his shirt. The crudely carved _22_ sticking out against his caramel skin. Twenty-one loops. It was his own personal hell. Eren remembers his first loops clearly, remembers the pain, sadness, and terror. He remembers Mikasa's screams as she tried to stop him from killing himself. He remembers the weight of a titan's foot slowly crushing him. The pain of being ripped apart burned alive, stabbed to death, and disease. Eren remembers every life he'd lived, every death.

He hates it.

The only good in his hell was the changes. Sometimes they were small, as simple as Mikasa keeping her hair long or Jean being nice to him. Sometimes they weren't small, as drastic as his mother living or his father staying. It was, sometimes, almost nice. But it was more than bad most of the time. Not because of the events that occurred, even though they were awful. It was simply because of the headaches he'd get and how tired he was. He was numb to the horrors of this world. Had lived through more than his fair share of years. It was all so boring.

Goddesses, if there were any, how he hates it.

He shifts in his spot in the recruitment line, sighing in boredom. That never changed. No matter how many times he loops he always, _always,_ joins the Survey Corps. It was engraved into his very being. He can't help it. He sighs again. "Eren," he looks at Mikasa, blankly. "Shut up."

Eren snorts and turns his attention back to the line. It wasn't as long as he was making it out to be. There were only three people in front of them. Eren was just bored. Thankfully, their turn comes quickly and Eren recites the information needed flatly. The soldier pauses at his tone before waving them on. They make their way to the wagon at the end of the street. Connie and Sasha were arguing. Eren scratches his scar absently. He climbs into the wagon and sits down next to the entrance. Mikasa follows, loyally. "Hiya! My name's Connie, what's yours?"

Eren doesn't spare him a glance. "Eren Jaeger," he keeps his gaze transfixed on the cloth roof, images he wishes to forget flashing through his mind. He hates it when that happens. Eren shrugs it off and points to Sasha. "What's yours?"

"I'm Sasha Braus!" she smiles at him politely. Eren doesn't return it. Only nods to show he'd heard. He wishes, desperately so, to act like the old Eren, but that Eren had died in that titan's stomach. The person he is now rising up to take his place. Despite that, he still puts effort into remaking his friends. Just more slowly. 

"Mikasa," as she had in all the previous loops, she doesn't give her last name. He nudges her with his arm and she gives in. "Ackerman."

"So, Eren, Mikasa, what division are you joining?" Connie always asks the same question. Eren always has the same answer.

"The Survey Corps," he speaks softly, so unlike the angry boy he used to be. But then again he wasn't a boy anymore. Connie and Sasha stare at him in shock.

"The Survey Corps? Are you _insane?_ " Connie manages to choke out. Sasha looks anywhere but him. He smiles bitterly.

"Maybe."

 

~~~

Eren is always shocked when he sees it. The Colossal Titan kicking through Wall Rose. It never fails to make his heart stutter, but it's getting easier. With each new loop, he freezes over a little more. Eren knows he's becoming a monster, but he can't find the will to fight it. He's just so _tired._ He brushes it off and throws himself into the fray below him. He swiftly, with a precision a cadet shouldn't possess, kills all and any titans near him. Hatred burns deep in his soul. It's their fault that this is happening to him. He knows it and he'll make them pay. The battle ends sooner than he thought it would. It's so easy that it's funny and Eren laughs.

"Eren, are you okay?" its Armin whose hand is on his shoulder, whose eyes are full of concern. Eren only smiles. It doesn't reach his eyes.

"Never better, Ar," he tries and even to his own ears it sounds weak. He hopes Armin won't address it.

"If you're sure?" there's an opening in the sentence. An opening he desperately wants to take, but he doesn't. Instead, he nods with a smile and feeds Armin half-truths.

"I'm just tired," and he is. Eren wants to close his eyes and never wake up. 

He's never considered himself suicidal before, but now he's not sure. His eyelids feel impossibly heavy, but he'll have to wait. There's still one more thing that needs to happen. He needs to meet Levi. At the thought of the man, he straightens up a bit. If there's one thing that he loves about the time loop it's Levi. Eren loves that the man is always changing. The hero worship he used to have for the man gone, but Eren still admired him. He was amazing.

Levi doesn't disappoint him. He walks up to Eren with an aloof air of confidence that Eren downright adores. "What happened here, cadet?"

"The Wall was breached," Eren purposefully doesn't refer to the man in a respectful manner. He ignores the short man's glare.

"Fucking obviously, you little shit. Don't get smart with me, brat. Debrief the battle," Levi practically sneers at him and Eren suppresses a delighted laugh. It's already different than the last loop.

"As you would expect, titans pouring in from the breach, civilians screaming, soldiers dying. We lost," he tries to sound less bored, but he can't help it. Levi's eyes light up in fury.

"Is this some sort of game to you?" the raven-haired man hisses.

Eren smirks. "You could say that. I'm usually dead at this point, though."

"What?" Levi asks, his face downright apocalyptic. Eren's smile widens. Armin, thankfully, stops Levi from killing him.

"Sorry, sir!" the timid blond stutters as he grabs Eren by the arm. He shoots Eren a glare. "He's just tired and stupid. _Very_ stupid."

"I'm stupid? What happened to calling me a sociopath, Ar?" Eren giggles. He feels like he's walking on air. His headache is gone. He smiles at Levi and points at Armin. "Mean is what he is."

Levi only stares at him. The rage that was there previously replaced by a glint of interest. He ignores Eren in favor of Armin. "Get him out of my fucking sight."

"Yes, sir! Right away, sir!" Armin hastily drags Eren away from the Captain. Eren watches the man closely. Levi meets his gaze and he feels like he's drowning. _What a way to go,_ he thinks when a corner cuts their staring contest off. Armin glares at him. "What were you thinking?"

Eren shrugs him off and laughs. "Relax, Ar. I was only messing around," he ignores Armin's following screech. He sighs and looks up at the gray sky. "I'll see you around, Levi."

Maybe this loop wouldn't be so bad.


	3. vingt-trois, vingt-quatre

It was bad. It was one of the worst loops so far and Eren hated it. Out of all his lives, Eren has made sure he's always first to die.  _Always._ He didn't expect to watch Armin die. It was awful and he'd let himself be eaten. And he almost cried when he saw Armin after he looped. He never wanted anything like that to happen again.

The  _23_ on his chest reminds him of his torment and Eren's glad for it. It reminds him that he's still human. It aches dully, still scabbed over, and he's grateful that he can still  _feel._

This loop unfolds much like the first. Only a few things are different. The first is, of course, Eren. He's not the same angry boy with a fiery attitude. He's apathetic, has a morbid sense of humor, and is, as Jean calls him, a creepy bastard. The second is the ranks. No longer is Eren fifth. Instead, he's ranked second, Mikasa still holding the rank of first. The third is, strangely, Mikasa. She starts to change in his eyes. Or maybe he notices more.

She always been the stronger of the two and Eren's long grown out of denying that fact. Her strength, one of her defining features, always amazed him. She was unrivaled in hand-to-hand combat, her training routines almost inhumane in their intensity. Her body hardened from the training, a living weapon. Eren used to hate her for it, but now he finds himself admiring that strength. He finds himself wondering if her lips were as soft as they looked or were they deceiving as her petite figure? He finds himself wondering how would she kiss? Would she be soft and loving or fierce and consuming?

Eren finds himself wondering a lot of things. He also finds himself staring. He finds himself staring at her long black hair yet to be cut, admiring its healthy shine. He finds himself staring into her eyes, their black depths mesmerizing as her eyelashes brush her cheeks. He finds himself staring at the red scarf he gave all those years ago, finding it incredibly endearing that she still wears it.

She's beautiful, in a way that is as frail as it was strong.

 _Oh,_  Eren realizes as he's watching her spare with her partner. Strangely jealous of the boy because she's got her arms around him and Eren wants to be in his place oh so badly.  _I'm in love with Mikasa._

"Eren!" he's brought back by Reiner's growl of frustration and he attacks, disarming the burly blond quickly.

"You're going to have to try better than that," he teases lightly with a smirk. Reiner glares and lunges once more. Eren lets him and thinks about his newfound revelation all the while.

Hand-to-hand combat training ends sooner than he thought it would and, lo and behold, Mikasa is still unrivaled. He smiles at her, pride swelling in his chest. They find Armin and go to the mess hall with the others. Jean's st their table loudly proclaiming that he'll be in the top ten and Marco's trying to calm him down. Eren smiles at the sight. Jean ruins it by talking to Mikasa. "You know your hair is really stunning, right?"

Mikasa stares at him blankly in response and Eren feels long forgotten pettiness stir in his stomach. With a smile, he reaches over and pushes a lock behind her ear. "He's right. It's gorgeous."

"Thank you, Eren," her eyes are soft and her voice is thick with affection, a pretty blush painting her cheeks. Jean frowns at him.

"But you should cut it. It might get in the way during training," Jean shoots him a glare and Eren smirks as Mikasa agrees with him. 

The next day she shows up with a cute bob cut that Eren absolutely adores.

 

~~~

The next time they're in the mess hall Eren stares at Mikasa openly. No more discreet glances here and there. Oh no, he was done with that shy nonsense. Mikasa notices and bites her lip. "Is there something on my face?"

"No," he smiles at her. She blushes.

"Then what is it, Eren?" her face is open and vulnerable with her concern. Eren's heart thumps loudly in his chest.

"I'm in love with you," he tells her as if it's obvious and he's not surprised when she starts to cry. He only holds her in his arms as she weeps silently, shielding her from prying eyes.

"I love you too," she whispers it like a prayer and his heart stutters in his chest when she kisses him. Eren finds responding immediately. Her mouth so warm, the caress of her lips softer than he imagined. And when she presses her mouth to his so hard that he feels her front teeth and shares in the taste of the berries she'd eaten earlier he realizes she was a perfect mix between loving and consuming. 

It's over too soon in his opinion and he chases her lips with his. She smiles and pecks him once, twice before pulling herself from his arms. Eren smiles so wide that his cheeks ache. They carry on with their meals, holding hands under the table, and everyone quickly picks up their conversations.

That night she comes to his room in her nightgown and he's always been weak to temptation. He watches her as she strips, admires the line if her body in wonder. And when she pushes him into his bed he goes without a fight. He watches her as she strips him of his clothes and he flips their positions to where he's over her. "Do you want this?"

She kisses him and mumbles against his lips. "Yes," and Eren's lost. Lost in her eyes, her body, her mind. Lost in  _her_ and he loves it. His fingertips explore her body, his mouth worshipping every inch, and he relishes in her soft sighs. Goddess, he loves her. 

Suddenly, she's anchoring a leg over him, around him, until her body covers his. His insides quiver with heat and he meets her eyes as she straddles him, her gaze burning him. And he's pulled into the hypnotic lull and sway of their bodies lifting, rising, soaring high, then higher and higher. The moment expanding, holding as long as it can until they collapse into the warmth of each other and he can taste starlight on her lips.

 

~~~

The battle of Trost is the following day and he's anxious. He doesn't stop her from joining his squad, is only thankful she's there.  _Alive._ And he's content. 

The next thing he knows is pain. He's reaching for her, he's about to catch her when she falls, slips through his fingers in a heartbeat, in a fraction of a second. She's painfully  _calm and_   _beautiful_ , even in death. He drops down next to her and lifts her body. "C'mon," he urges, cupping her face in his hands. "Wake up for me, okay? Wake up for me,  _please!"_

He wraps his arms around her once again and squeezes, hoping for a miracle. None came. He glances at her face again and allows himself to stare. Mikasa truly was beautiful. Her face peaceful and her pale skin smooth. Her lips, once a rosy pink, tinted grey. Eren stares, observing every line and curve of her face, tracing them

He stares and finds within himself a longing to see her eyes, the eyes that had always held love, one last time. With a shaking hand, he lifts her eyelid to reveal a once brilliant and fiery charcoal now a glassy and dull grey. It was harrowing but beautiful.

 _Yes_ , he finds himself thinking.  _She's so beautiful, painfully so, even when she is no more._

He lifts his head to the sky, tightening his arms around Mikasa, and lets his tears slide down his face. He lets himself go, let the sobs wrack his body, lets out everything he's kept bottled up since the loops started. And he stays. Stays with Mikasa, refusing to leave even when Armin pleads for him to leave.

Eren would never abandon Mikasa, not in such a big, dark, scary place. He stays and lets himself die with her in his arms.

 

 ~~~

When he wakes up to see her standing over him he cries and lets her fuss over him. He longs to kiss her, to hold her, but, he stops himself. Eren can't be with her, can't stand the thought of losing her over and over again. He loves her. Goddess, he loves her. But he can't be with her. He refuses to go through that again so, he lets her go.

He ignores how much it hurts. 

He distracts himself. Throws himself into training harder than ever before and when he ranks first and Mikasa smiles at him he doesn't let anyone see him cry that night. He carries on and when the battle of Trost passes he's relieved. Oh so relieved. And when Levi asks him to report like he does every time Eren throws himself into seeming like the perfect soldier. Levi regards him with interested eyes and Eren squashes down the warmth it sends him.

He was never good at dealing with his feelings. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Mikasa's relationship will only be briefly mentioned in other chapters. Their relationships was needed for the plot. The main relationship is Eren and Levi, don't worry. Eren's not in love with Levi just yet, but he's getting there. He's still hung up on Mikasa but that'll fade soon. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and hope for your continued support!


	4. cinquante-huit

 

Eren's tired. He always is. The _58_ stood out against his caramel skin, marking his journey, his success. He's finally made it passed his first expedition in the Survey Corps. Needless to say, he's pissed that it took this long. Though, even if he doesn't want to admit it, it's probably because Annie didn't stomp them all to death this time. Goddess, how he wants the loops to end. The only good thing about them is Levi. The short man is always the same, a constant in Eren's life. But, at the same time, he's always different. No matter how subtle. Eren loves it. He's starting to think that maybe he loves Levi.

The very thought of loving someone again terrifies him.

After Mikasa, Eren swore to never let someone into his heart again. But, somehow, Levi had cut his way through. Eren thinks it has something to do with the leftover hero-worship. He doesn't ponder over it too much. Tries to push it into the deepest, darkest corner of his mind. But every time he sees Levi his heart speeds up, thumps erratically in his chest, and his palms sweat. His face flushes and his breathing stutters. It's somehow so much more intense than loving Mikasa had been but was in no way more or less. Eren loved Mikasa, still does, and missed the slow, steady feeling of their love, however brief it was. He knows he can never get it back because he's _weak._ He's always been weak.

Goddess, he's tired.

It really wasn't much of a surprise when he realized he had feelings for Levi. It wasn't a sudden realization like with Mikasa. No, Eren fell in love with Levi slowly and then all at once. It took his breath away. Eren wasn't surprised, he knows that he's not straight. Had known since he started to notice the other boys in training. Yes, Eren Jaeger was not straight. And he wasn't surprised to find himself admiring Levi's admittedly mesmerizing figure. What surprised him was the sheer amount of _love._ It's overwhelming. It scares him. To love someone this much is terrifying to Eren. But he pushes through and he hopes that'll be enough.

Eren tries to stay away from Levi but can't. It hurts to stay away. And he can't help but fiercely want to gaze upon Levi's face and eyes. To talk to him and watch the man's eyes light up when Eren says something he found practically amusing. Eren loves it. And. Goddess does that scare him.

Eren jolts out of his thoughts at the loud _bang_ of the mess hall doors slamming open. He looks and isn't surprised to see Jean frowning at him in distaste. The ash-haired teen storms his way over and Eren sighs. "What is it, horse face? Someone eat all of your hay?"

"It used to be really cute, you know, the nicknames you'd make up," Jean starts, his face twisting into a snarl. "But it's getting old fast."

"Aww, you think I'm cute," Eren smirks, hiding his wince when Jean slaps his hands on the table. Damn, the migraines were getting worse. "But that's not what you're here for, is it?"

Jean's eye twitches and he grits his teeth. "No, it's not."

"Then what is it, Jeanbo?" he asks, stirring his potato soup idly. 

"I'm not cleaning up your mess again, you hear me? I'm tired of it," Jean inhales deeply through his nose before smiling slightly, his anger still ever present.

"That's what this is about?" Eren snorts. "Alright, sure, I'll clean up after myself from now on."

Jean doesn't grace him with a response. He only nods curtly before storming off. Eren watches him go with solemn eyes. Jean had changed after Marco's death. He became more aggressive, more unsure of himself, and Eren knew it was his fault. If only he'd been able to save Marco. He shakes his head, dismissing the hated thoughts, and empties his plate before throwing it into the sink. 

He was tired. 

Eren made his way to his quarters. It was odd. The way the Survey Corps worked. Every new recruit regardless of status got their own living space. Eren knew it wasn't always like that, but the number of recruits had dramatically decreased so it was understandable that they were using whatever they could to attract more. Eren knew what desperation felt like. He sighs as he peels off his uniform and throws it into the hamper. He takes a quick shower and, fruitlessly, tries to scrub the bloodstains off of his skin. When he's done, his normally caramel skin is an inflamed pink, almost red. Eren thinks that if he'd scrubbed just a bit harder he'd be bleeding. He has to stop himself from finding out if that's true. After he's  dressed in his undergarments or nightclothes he collapses on his bed and waits. He closes his eyes and waits for what feels like forever for sleep to claim him. It doesn't and Eren's not surprised. 

"Fucking perfect," he mumbles as he walks to the west tower. It has the best view and, most importantly, Levi might be there. He hurries and when he enters the tower he's pleased to see Levi staring at the stars. He doesn't speak, only goes to sit beside the short man.

Levi spares him a brief side glance. "Couldn't sleep?"

"No, of course not," Eren smiles despite his bitter tone. "The world isn't that kind to me."

"Insomnia is a bitch," Levi says with a small curve to his lips. "Truly, a curse."

Eren laughs with him, his migraine lessening as his very being is enveloped in a soft warmth. "You can't forget migraines. Now those are a true pain in the ass."

"I know. It's fucking awful," Levi chuckles softly and actually looks at him, his eyes shining with concern while his face reveals nothing. Eren smiles at the sight. "When was the last time you slept?"

"Sometime last week for four hours," Eren keeps the smile on his face, tries his best to look reassuring but, as always, Levi sees right through him. And he relents. "Nightmares."

Levi nods and goes back to staring at the stars. Eren's thankful and is reminded of why he loves this man so much. They spend the rest of the night like that, exchanging words every now and then, and Eren thinks it's perfect.

~~~

The next day is hectic. And Eren has some regrets. For example, he regrets signing up to help with the scientist's, Hange Zoe, experiments. Simply for the reason that they were too energetic for Eren, who hadn't sleep in days. He frowns at their waving hands and moving mouth. He's too tired for this. He starts when they clap him on the shoulder. "I can already tell you're going to love this! I can't wait to work with you!"

"Me either," Eren smiles and it's genuine. He signed up for a reason. He just wishes they weren't so peppy. "I'm really looking forward to this, but I'm surprised you didn't pick Armin instead. He's much smarter than I am."

"Oh, you precious baby!" Hange laughs good-naturedly and Eren's already frowning. "We didn't pick you because of your smarts! We picked you because you're as strong as an ox!"

Eren chuckles. "I suspected as much."

"Oh, I like you! You're much better than my last helper already. Well, besides Moblit, no one can compete with him!"

"I'm sure," he peels their hands off of him. "If you'll excuse me."

They call after him, but Eren pays them no mind. He continues on his way to Armin's quarters. He shouldn't get into too much trouble if any at all. They wouldn't be starting today anyway. He barges into Armin's room with no hesitation and immediately makes himself comfortable. Armin doesn't even look up from his book. "So, how'd it go?"

"As well as you can expect," he sighs. "They like me."

"And that's bad?"

"No, they're just so excitable and I'm not," Eren can feel Armin's gaze on him. He refuses to meet it. "And it's tiring."

Armin closes his book with a soft thump. "You know, you used to be "excitable" too. Before, that is."

"Armin," he forces himself to meet Armin's gaze and resolves to not be the first to look away. "That was _before_ for a reason. This is who I am now. I know it's jarring, but I can't help it. I need you to accept it."

Armin bites his lip and breaks eye contact first. Eren shoves down his triumph and waits, patiently. Finally, Armin meets his gaze again. "Okay," he nods, eyes flashing in determination. "Okay, I will. I'm just worried."

"I know," Eren smiles. "I am too."

"I'm sorry if I came off as insensitive," Armin speaks softly. "You know I love you, right?"

"Yeah, Ar, I know. I love you too."

And that's enough. And Eren's so grateful that Armin's still with him, doesn't hate him like he did in so many other loops. And he's tired. And his head hurts. Goddess, Eren just wants to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is no Armin x Eren action in thie fic. This is purely platonic. Just wanted to clear uo some confusion if there was any. And I know nothing big happened in this chapter and that's because it's basically a filler! Yay! Despite that, I hope you enjoy it. Please comment. It fuels me.


	5. cent trente-neuf(un)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren loses more of his sanity.

 

As he lays dying, he smiles. Goddess, it's funny how pathetic he is. The first time he succeeds, the first time he thinks he's almost done with this _nightmare_ and he's killed by a _pocket knife._ The soldier who stabbed him sat crying beside him and Eren's tired. His eyelids feel impossibly heavy and he almost lets them close. He's tired.

"Why?" it's a simple question and Eren needs an answer. The soldier gasps wetly and struggles to answer him. Eren watches with a detached amusement. The world spins as it fades in and out of black and white. He's dizzy.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, I swear! I just..... I just deserved it more than you! Why would they give _you_ such a high rank and not _me?_ I deserve it more!" they scream at him and Eren's cold. He shivers at the wind biting his skin.

"Oh," he wheezes, spitting up blood in horrid coughs. He gazes blankly at the night sky and wonders what Levi's up to. "That's okay. I didn't want it anyway."

"What?" the soldier stares at him as if he's insane. Eren thinks he might be.

"It's fine. Everything's fine," he assures and he knows _it's not fine, nothing's fine and it never will be._ He's not sure who he's trying to convince. And suddenly he's sobbing, mumbling reassurances to himself in broken, frantic whispers.

~~~

He wakes with a gasp and all he can taste is blood. Goddess, there's _so much blood._ He's drowning. It clouds his mind in it's heady, iron scent and he can't breathe. It's heavy on his tongue, pressing down on him, choking him. And he doesn't know he's screaming until his throat gives in with a painful fade. 

"Eren!" suddenly, Mikasa is in his face, her eyes frantic as she holds him down. "Eren, what's wrong?"

Eren screams as she touches him, straining his vocal chords until he spits blood. "Don't touch me!" she jerks back as if he's burned her and Eren chokes on the blood in his mouth. He sobs brokenly. "Don't touch me."

  
"Eren...," she breathes his name in a soft whisper and he cries harder. Mikasa's hands flutter above him, worriedly, and he watches them. Slowly, he calms down. "Eren? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, 'Kasa. It was just a nightmare," he smiles at her weakly, turning to cough into his arm. He's glad his overcoat is a dull red. It'll help camouflage the blood. Mikasa eyes him, doubtfully. He makes sure to avoid her narrowed eyes.

"If you say so," she gives in with a sigh. She picks up her load of wood. "C'mon, let's go."

"Alright," Eren rasps almost wetly, blood coating his tongue. He's drowning. He gets up and gathers his own burden. Mikasa watches him closely and Eren makes sure to cough facing away from her. She can't see the blood.

When they round the corner and he sees his house, Eren sighs tiredly. He doesn't want to do this anymore. He enters the house and his mother smiles at him, lovingly. He doesn't want to do this anymore. She tugs on his ear, accusing him of letting Mikasa do all the work until Mikasa tells her what happened. And then he's in her warm embrace. He doesn't want to do this anymore. "Are you okay, sweetie?"

He nods and returns her hug, letting his eyes close. She hums him a sweet lullaby and he swallows the lump in his throat. He doesn't want to do this anymore. He pulls away from her and kisses her cheek. "I love you, mom."

"I love you too, Eren," she smiles, her eyes lighting up and he thinks it's a shame that the light will be snuffed out soon. Eren leaves.

He grabs Mikasa and Armin and he leaves. He doesn't listen to their pleas for him to, "Go back, Eren! We can still save them!" Because he knows better. He _knows._

And he wishes he didn't.

~~~

Eren isn't surprised when Armin and Mikasa yell at him for abandoning their families. That is until he explains himself.

"Do you really think that if I thought that I could save them that I wouldn't? Do you think that I'm that heartless?"

Mikasa looks away, ashamed. "No, that's not it..."

"Oh? Are you sure?" he knows he's being unreasonable but all he can hear is screams and he wants it to _stop_. Armin frowns at him and Eren wonders why no one can hear _him_ screaming. 

"You've changed, Eren. This isn't you. The Eren I know would _never_ abandon his loved ones. Never!" he practically spits out and Eren's never seen Armin so angry. It almost makes him laugh. 

"Okay, Armin. How about I explain? Would you like that?" they both nod. "If we had saved them they would have been drafted in a week. A _week_ , Armin. They would've thought that everything's fine and then they'd be drafted. And they'd lose all hope. Would you want that for them? Armin? Mikasa?" neither of them give him an answer and he seethes. "Answer me. Would. You. Want. That?"

"No!"

"Of course you wouldn't. I wouldn't either. That's why we didn't go back. Do you understand?" he speaks gently, a contrast to before. They look at him with teary eyes and he feels himself breaking. He chokes as he tries to speak. "That's why. I didn't want to. I didn't want to. _I didn't want to!"_

They hold him as he cries for the first time since the breach and he knows they understand. They always do. He's tired of knowing. He's so fucking tired. He's always tired. He wishes he could sleep. 

~~~

Mikasa and Armin don't question him about where he gets the money to buy their food with. He's grateful for that. He doesn't want them to know about the blood on his hands. That he could taste skin in his teeth instead of bread. Eren's so goddessdamnit tired.

"Eren?" her soft, comforting voice beckons him. He turns around to face her, his eyes speaking for him. She sighed, her hands plucking at the scarf around her neck. Eren doesn't remember where she got it or who she got it from. He supposes it isn't important. But there's a nagging in the back if his head that knows something he doesn't. That remembers. He ignores it. "Eren? Are you okay? Ever since, you know, you've been acting...... strange."

He almost scoffs at that. It takes all of his self-control to keep his blank look. The strangest things were funny to him. Eren turns away from her and rubs the _139_ on his chest as he speaks. "Of course, I'm fine. There's no need to worry about me, 'Kasa. I've got everything under control."

"Eren," she hesitates. "This.... this isn't you. You're not this _distant_ and _cold_ person. The Eren I know is hardheaded and has an awful temper. He's warm and he's _alive_. What happened to him, Eren?" her voice is so soft and pleading. She sounds so lost. Eren feels sick.

"I have an awful temper too, Mikasa. Don't test it," he growls at her, his eyes fierce as they stare into her soul. She flinches and looks at him with sad eyes. Eren feels like he's breaking, breaking, breaking. And he's always failing, failing, failing. 

Mikasa tries her best to cover up her hurt, but Eren knows her too well. "Okay," she breathes into the cool, crisp night air as she retreats into the small living quarters they share with an old elderly couple. Eren watches her with dead eyes. He wishes that he could care more than a few fleeting moments of regret. But, he surmises that he's beyond that. He's beyond caring at this point. And suddenly he's laughing, laughing, laughing.

~~~

There's blood in his mouth and skin in his teeth. His boss, Fitz, claps him on the shoulder and his skin crawls. "Well done, my boy! You actually got me my money back from these scum bags!"

"Of course, sir," he looks the man in the eye as he smiles at him. Fitz pales at the gore dripping from his teeth, down his neck, and onto the cobblestone. Eren licks his lips, humming at the thick, metallic taste of blood. It's almost comforting. "That's my job, isn't it?"

"It is and you do a damn good job at it, too. Much better than these wastes of space," he jerks a thumb toward his men. "But you've got a brutal method, kid."

"Brutal?" Eren knows he's referring to his tendency to rip his target's throats out. He taps his finger against his chin with a bloody, too wide smile. "I don't think it's brutal so much as necessary."

"Necessary?" Fitz echoes. Eren's grin darkens and he can't help but giggle. He's always laughing, laughing, laughing.

"You can't scream without a throat now, can you?"

~~~

When he gets home, he's cleaned of blood and his clothes are freshly washed. The bag of money he has in his pocket weighs down on him. He knows Mikasa and Armin will be suspicious. They always are. He feels guilty, faintly. _It's better this way,_ he repeats like a mantra in his head. And he believes it. They don't need to know. _Can't_ know. It'd destroy them and Eren, for all his numbness, doesn't want that. He needs them like he needs air. They're a tether to who he once was. Who he still should be. They're his family.

"I'm home!" he calls softly, not wanting to wake up their roommates. The last time he did that, the old hag had tried to beat him with her cane. She was lucky Eren wasn't upset or he'd have killed her. He suspects she knows that, too. She nor her husband have bothered them again. "Armin? Mikasa?"

There's a shuffling sound and then Mikasa's pushing her way through the blankets that separate the doorway from their beds. He's thankful that they had the blankets to give the illusion of privacy. He doesn't want the first thing he sees when he wakes up to be that old hag. "Eren, welcome home!" Mikasa interrupts his train of thought and hugs him tightly. Eren returns the embrace, burying his nose in her hair. She doesn't smell like blood. She releases him and Armin takes her place. Eren's still surprised that Armin doesn't hate him, but he knows that it's just a matter of time. 

"Did you have a good day at work?" Armin asks when Eren's given the money for him to count. By the widening of his eyes, Eren knows it's a lot. "This is enough to last us all week, Eren!"

He remembers the taste of his target's sweat, their skin, and blood. And he's smiling, smiling, smiling. "Yeah. My boss was feeling generous today, I guess."

"That's great, Eren. Isn't it Armin?" Mikasa speaks happily. She's smiling and Eren thinks she's beautiful. He shoves that thought to the back of his mind. _No,_ he scolds himself. _No._ She laughs softly, almost inaudible when Armin dumbly nods. "And guess what, Eren? I have a job now, too."

_That_ catches Eren's attention. "What kind of job?"

"A seamstress," she answers him proudly. "My mom used to sew all the time and she taught me a few things. I decided to try it out."

"That's great, 'Kasa!" he fakes his enthusiasm, but he _is_ happy for her. He knows she was miserable, staying at home doing nothing. He knows this will be good for her, but he can't bring himself to really care. He turns to Armin. "Is there any more good news?"

Armin blushes and scratches his cheek, sheepishly. "I'm volunteering at the village library. I won't be getting paid for it, unfortunately. But I still want to do it."

"Doesn't matter. As long as you're happy," Eren smiles and hugs the remainder of his family. _We all have something now, huh?_ he thinks and he remembers the Survey Corps. In two years, they'd join. The faint guilt he always feels pulses violently at the thought of joining after what he's done. He pushes it down. He feels sick. He's tired. Tired, tired, tired. He's always tired. "I'm going to bed. I love you."

"Okay," they smile at him. "Love you too."

That night, as he's trying to go to sleep, he thinks of Levi. It's become a habit. He thinks of Levi every night without fail. He misses him. The short, grumpy man who acts like he doesn't give two shits when he's the one who cares the most. Goddess, he misses him. Eren knows it's unhealthy. That his love for Levi is becoming increasingly unhealthy. He can't help it. He knows that it won't change anything. He'll still treat everyone the same. As if they're nothing. He'll still watch Levi from afar and pine for him, for his touch. It doesn't matter that it can be considered an obsession. It's still loving. It's Eren's love. It may be dark and twisted but, then again, so is Eren.

He wants to see Levi again. He wants Levi. And he knows he can't have him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I thought I'd explain the beginning of the chapter. Eren's just recently been promoted. This is a different loop thatm the one from the last chapter. In this one, no one's died and he's doing good until, you know.  
> As for the rest, Eren's definitely in a bad place right now. He's emotionally detached from the world. He still loves his family, Mikasa and Armin, but it's becoming hard for him to keep up his facade of normalcy. He's struggling. And it only gets worse from here so yay! Please comment, it fuels me. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and hope you stick around for the next!


	6. cent trente-neuf(deux)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Training. Also, Eren and Levi meet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case there's any confusion, it's still the 139th loop.

 

There's a nagging at the back of his head. Eren's tired of hearing it's incessant _scritch scratch._ He ignores his target's screams - he was specifically ordered not to rip out their throats this time - and, instead, chooses to focus on the quiet ripping, popping sound as the ligaments tear, and the quiet breaking of a stick as the bone bursts from the skin of her arm. She screams and Eren growls in warning, his hands hovering over her. She clamps her mouth shut and squeezes her eyes shut, her shoulders trembling as sobs wrack their way through her body. The _scritching_ and _scratching_ increases its tempo. His head hurts. She whimpers and it echoes throughout his skull, painfully. Eren blacks out. And he tastes blood in his mouth and feels it splatter onto his body. It's warm and sticky. And he's laughing, laughing, laughing. 

When he comes to, her body is sprawled in front of him like a ghoulish nightmare. The esophagus and arteries sticking out like so much corrugated and rubber tubing. Her corpse is still warm, the blood thickening but not yet dried on her now waxy skin. Eren thinks it's a harrowing but beautiful sight. The red contrasts nicely with the stark white of the walls and floors. Fitz won't be happy, but Eren still thinks it's a nice change. In the buzz of adrenaline, the nagging is drowned out but it comes back with a vengeance. It's evolved from its quiet _scritch scratch_ and into a shrill shrieking of metal on metal. Screaming, screaming, screaming. Eren ignores it and calls Fitz.

"Already done?" Fitz asks with a laugh until he sees the gore marring the cleanliness of the room. "Shit, kid. You went all out, didn't ya?"

"Yeah. I had a headache and she wouldn't stop screaming. She was rude and she had to go," Eren sniffs as he speaks, using his forearm to wipe the blood and sweat from his forehead. Fitz claps him on the back.

"Ya did well. When the boys take her back to her family, they won't even _think_ of betraying us again."

Eren nods and gazes at her mangled body. He wonders, what did she do? But, ultimately decides it doesn't matter. He leaves, after a shower, with an envelope thick and heavy with money and an empty feeling encompassing his chest. Mikasa and Armin greet him with hugs and kisses and smiles. And the hole in his chest gives a bit. Mikasa and Armin are determined to go to the marketplace before it's too busy and he's tired. He's tired, his bones feel heavy and he forces himself to go to the market with Mikasa and Armin. 

The marketplace is, of course, buzzing with activity. People of every color and variety are bustling around carts full of precious fruits and vegetables. Eren hates it. It's _too_ crowded, it's _too_ loud, loud, loud. It's _too_ much. His head starts to ache and he wants to scream. Armin smiles and gasps at low prices and makes sure to fill their baskets with goods. He also makes sure drag Mikasa and Eren along with him. Thankfully, both Armin and Mikasa get distracted enough for Eren to sneak away from them. If only for a bit. Eren breaks away from the hustle and bustle of the marketplace and hides away in an abandoned alley. He can breathe again. He takes in slow, deep breaths and almost fails to notice someone approaching him.

"What's a brat like you doing in an abandoned alley?" his eyes shoot open and he almost cries at the sight of the man he'd been thinking every night. At Levi's glare, he looks away and smiles. 

"Just trying to get away from the crowd. It's too much for me," he speaks around the heart in his throat and swallows. Levi's eyes track every movement. His skin feels hot. "What's a respectable soldier like you doing in an abandoned alley?"

Levi snorts at his question being thrown back at him. Then, his face turns grim. "There's been a series of brutal murders lately and since the Military Police can't do their fucking job, I have to. Erwin doesn't know what "I don't care" means."

"Murders?" Eren feigns shock, his blood freezing in his veins. "Military Police? What?"

"Don't worry about it, kid. You'll be fine," Levi ruffles his hair and leaves Eren with a fluttering heart. And all he can think is Levi, Levi, Levi.

~~~

A week later and it's time to join the Survey Corps again. Mikasa and Armin don't take the news well.

"You're what?"

Eren shoots Mikasa an annoyed glare and shrugs. "I'm joining the Survey Corps. Is that a problem?"

"Yes, it's a problem. It's a big problem, Eren! Where did this come from?" Armin almost yells and Eren's head aches. He sighs and closes his eyes.

"I don't know, Armin. Maybe knowing that I might've been able to save my family but running anyway? Maybe for vengeance? Or a sense of purpose?" he rubs his forehead before getting up to leave. "Take your pick, Ar. I'm joining and there's nothing you can do to stop me."

Mikasa follows him, as loyal as always, and Armin sputters a bit before doing the same. Eren hides his smile. He knew he would. And he hates it. The line is, as always, depressingly small. Eren's tempted to skip his way to the front and he almost does. Mikasa glares at him, though, and even though he knows he's stronger, he's thoroughly cowed. Thankfully, their turns come quickly and Eren sighs as he sits in the transportation wagon. Connie, as always, introduces himself excitedly. "Hiya! My name's Connie, what's yours?"

Eren smiles at him this time, with perhaps too much teeth. "Eren Jaeger," he turns to Sasha and is unexpectedly assaulted with painful memories of her many, many deaths. She's always screaming, screaming, screaming. Tears prick at his eyes and his breathing speeds up. At her concerned look, he smiles. "What's yours?"

"I'm Sasha Braus!" she smiles at him, politely. She always does. He smiles and nods to show he heard. He nudges Mikasa.

"Mikasa," as she had in all the previous loops, she doesn't give her last name. He nudges her with his arm again and she gives in. "Ackerman."

Armin, however, needs no incentive nor prompt. "Armin Arlert, nice to meet you."

"So, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, what division are you joining?" Connie always - _always_ \- asks the same question. Eren always - _always, always, always_ \- has the same answer.

"The Survey Corps," Connie and Sasha stare at him in shock.

"The Survey Corps? Are you  _insane?_ " Connie manages to choke out. Sasha looks anywhere but him. He smiles too wide, with too many teeth.

"Without a doubt."

~~~

It's actually not as difficult as it's said to be. Leaving the mafia, that is. Eren had been left alone after he said he was done. Though, that might be because of his not so savory methods and the fact that Fitz fears him. Eren doesn't mind. Means fewer problems for him to deal with and he's got a surplus of those. With the time loop thing and such. Goddess, thinking about it never fails to give him a headache. He's tired of these migraines. He's tired of being tired. He's tired. _It's so fucked,_ he thinks as he watches the others train. _That I'm already over their deaths._

"Jaeger! It's your turn!" Reiner yells, loudly. Eren grimaces as the loud noise makes his headache worse. His face darkens and he turns only his head to look at Reiner. Reiner only laughs at him. _Oh,_ _he's going to pay for that._

Eren decides to use a mixture of the maneuvers and brute strength. With a laugh, he lunges at the bigger man, relying on sheer strength to rip the knife from Reiner's grip. Reiner almost fumbles but regains his balance quickly. It's enough for Eren, though. He smiles widely as he spins on his heel, his elbow jabbing out at Reiner's face while his leg hits the front of his knees. Reiner grunts and drops the knife, just barely managing not dropping himself. Eren snatches the wooden knife up and holds it to Reiner's throat. 

It results in a series of groans and shouts as he gloats his victory by dangling the knife in front of Reiner's face every few seconds. Reiner valiantly attempts to take the knife but Eren's not having it. He fake stabs Reiner and bites his arm as he tries to cage him in. Reiner groans in annoyance. "Quit fucking biting me! That's foul play!"

"Do you really think an, let's say hungry orphan, is going to care?" Eren taunts as he smugly waves the knife around for all to see. "There are no rules in the real world."

Reiner frowns thoughtfully and Eren takes the opportunity to rush him. It catches him off guard and it's easy to knock him down and put the dummy knife to his throat. "No rules in the real world got it."

Eren nods and leaves the knife on Reiner's chest. He gets into a stance quickly and Reiner's just about to start when someone interrupts them. "If you keep relying on brute strength and luck, you're in for a rude awakening."

Annie Leonhart. Long forgotten hate briefly burns in Eren before it's doused by apathy. Reiner addresses her, with an affronted expression that Eren's tempted to mirror. "At least we're training."

Eren nods in agreement, his mild agitation worsened by his throbbing head. "We didn't ask for you to preach to us, Annie. In fact, we were discussing ways to outsmart people who fight with only brute strength and luck. You'd know that if you didn't assume things."

Her eyes narrow and she raises a delicate brow, her face still passive. Eren's almost impressed by her self-control but he can see aggression in her body, coiling her muscles. "Come on," her voice is void of inflection but Eren can see that taunt. It's in her eyes, glinting icily in a challenge.

Reiner goes to push him forward but Eren's already moving. He cracks his neck, planting his feet and locking his shoulders. Annie's strong, much stronger than he was the first time around. Things are different now. He's got years and years on her. Not to mention all the hate that's been buried under apathy. He will beat her. His fists come up to his face and he grins, his eyes sending out their own challenge: _knock me down_.

Annie stares at him with hooded eyes and he rushes her. She clearly doesn't expect him to be as fast as he is and she's visibly shocked when he's suddenly in her face. Eren smiles and opens his mouth wide, showing off his sharper than average canines. His teeth just barely graze her neck when she attempts to grab his arm and throw him. She's too rushed, too panicked. She fucks up and leaves him leverage over her body. He uses said leverage to drive a knee into her side and an elbow to her ear. Her hold on him weakens and he's free. Annie quickly returns to her stance and watches him through focused eyes. Eren's smile widens and he decides it's high time she's had a taste of her own medicine. This time, she rushes him and in a blink of an eye, she's on the ground in a heap. Eren twirls the wooden knife in his hand, looming over her with a smile.

Annie accepts her defeat gracefully, much to Eren's disappointment. He was hoping for some anger, maybe even some rage. She doesn't try and attack him for shaming her. Instead, she asks him a question. "Who taught you to fight like that?"

"No one in particular," he giggles. "You pick things up on the streets."

She nods and Eren waves Reiner over to try. "I've got this," the bigger man is confident. It seems Eren's success has assured him of his own. Big mistake. He's on his ass in two seconds flat and Eren's delighted. He turns to Annie before she can leave. She doesn't meet his eyes

"Who taught you to fight?"

"My dad," the answer is short and clipped. She leaves as quickly as she came and Eren's left humming thoughtfully to himself.

~~~

Eren hates the 3DM aptitude tests. He'll never forget his first experience with them and, yes, he is still bitter about it. 

He's tried to fix it by swapping out his belt with someone he's unacquainted with but it never works. The goddessdamnit belt is always breaking. Fortunately, Eren doesn't have to worry about that anymore. He's long since figured out how to balance without it. That doesn't mean he's not still bitter about it, though. He hums softly to himself as he's lifted into the air and he immediately tenses his abdomen. It's the same thing for both belts, damaged or undamaged. Damaged belts just take a lot more effort. He hears Shadis whistle and his eyes flicker to the man. 

"Good job, Jaeger!" he still yells even though Eren's right in front of him.

The crowd of anxious recruits waiting their turn, and some that have already gone, cheer for him and he sees Armin and Mikasa among them. He sends them a quick, sincere smile and waits to be lowered. When he is, he heads straight for them. Armin's smiling at him, widely. His eyes proud. "Eren! You did so well! I just barely got the hang of it."

"Eren's excelling in everything, Ar. Well, besides academics. We all have our strong points," Mikasa teases him, softly. Her scarf low enough for him to catch a glimpse of a smile. He shakes his head with a chuckle.

"Thanks, 'Kasa, Ar. Love you too," they smile at him and there are hugs and kisses exchanged. Eren feels less empty.

~~~

The next time he sees Levi, it's unexpected. Very unexpected. Eren's confused when he sees the short man walking towards the training area. He's even more confused when he notices Shadis is with him, speaking in hushed tones. Then, it hits him. _They're scouting us,_ he realizes and he almost laughs at the unintended pun. He shakes his head and pulls Armin and Mikasa away from the others.

"Eren? What is it? What's wrong?" Mikasa immediately looks for a threat and Eren laughs.

"Nothings wrong, 'Kasa. Captain Levi's here and I think he's scouting the talent out," Armin's eyes light up immediately.

"He's probably going to try and convince the best to join the Survey Corps," Armin finishes and flushes when they both smile at him. Mikasa goes to appraise Levi and Eren decides to join her in that. For very different reasons, of course.

"Is he going to watch us train or go on Shadis' recommendations?" she asks right as Levi nods and turns to them.

"Mikasa Ackerman, I need to talk to you."

"There's our answer," she nods and leaves. Eren thinks Levi answered her question fairly well. Unfortunately, they call the best out in alphabetical order. Eren's seventh on the list, if everyone he thinks is on the list is, indeed, on the list. He was right but, at least, he was before Jean. He almost skips into the room Levi chose and immediately takes his seat. Levi appraises him in silence, eyes widening when he recognizes him. Eren chooses to speak first.

"Long time no see, huh?"

Levi snorts and goddess, Eren's missed that sound. "Four years. Damn, I didn't think you'd be the type to join the military."

"There's nothing better to do. Besides, if I'm going to die, I might as well see the outside the Walls before I do," Eren offers and Levi shakes his head with a smirk.

"Are you planning on joining the Survey Corps?" the raven-haired man almost smiles at him or maybe Eren's lovesick mind is playing tricks on him. Eren doesn't mind either way.

"Yep," he says, kicking his legs out childishly, popping the "p," as Levi observes him. He makes sure to smile. Levi apparently likes what he sees and he smirks.

"Well, brat, rise through the ranks and I'll see if I can get you on my squad."

Eren can't help it. He giggles. It seems to delight Levi as his smirk widens. "Is that a promise?"

"Sure. Why not?" Levi shrugs. Eren's heart is beating a meter a minute. Goddess, help him. He walks to the door and lingers.

"I'll hold you to that."

~~~

That night when Eren lays down to sleep, he's drowned in thoughts of Levi, Levi, Levi. It's pleasant and Eren loves it. _What a way to go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah. So. Eren's a crazy bitch who's angry at the world but also in love.


	7. cent trente-neuf(trois)

 

The night before the disbanding ceremony is long and slow. And it's filled with torment. Eren can't sleep, which isn't new, but, the memories paining him are. He hates it so much. The screams. Always screaming, screaming, screaming. The cries. Always crying, crying, crying. The begging. Always, begging, begging, begging. Eren hates it. He hates, hates, hates.

It's all he can do now. 

It's awful. Living something over and over - _and_ _overandoverandoverandover -_ again. Endlessly. It's pure hell. And Eren's tired of it. He wishes it would just end. But, of course, he isn't that lucky.

~~~

_The screams are horribly familiar and they make his blood run cold._ No, _he thinks in horror._ Please! No! _And suddenly he's spurring his horse towards them. Through the terraced houses and muddy, uneven ground. And the screams echo. Louder and louder. He's close now._ Maybe I can save them, _an intense hope swirls in his chest before it's drained away by a heavy downpour of despair, just like their blood. The screams come again, garbled and painful. And he finds himself screaming_ _along_ _with them. His scream tears through him like a great shard of glass, ripping it's bloody way out of his throat. The screams come again, desperate, terrified and human. The blood drains from his face and his ears are straining for more sounds. Are any of them alive?_

 _The titans roar and Eren's head aches. Goddess, it_ hurts _. Hurts, hurts, hurts. He can't breathe and he feels sick to his stomach. He's nauseous. His lungs burn and his throat aches. He can't stop the screaming. Who keeps screaming? A titan nears him and the screaming gets louder and louder. There's a ringing in his ear. He can't breathe. His lungs ache. His throat aches. He can't breathe. And he knows he's the one screaming._

 _Their bodies are mangled, broken and limp. A mass of gore on the ground. Armin's eye had popped out. It's dark red, pooling with blood, already blackening. Brain matter is dripping_ _down_ _the front of his misshapen face. His body is limp. He looks like a doll. His remaining eye is open, staring_ _blankly_ _at Eren, drowning him in it's dull grey depths. Jean is worst off. His chest is split open in a mess of red, the whiteness of bone stark among the sea of flesh. Already, they smell of death and Eren's sick._

_He empties his stomach, dry heaving when there is nothing left. His body aches and his vision is blurred by rain and tears. He has to find them. All of them. And he does. He wishes he hadn't. He wishes he had left._

_It's horrifying._

_They were all bloody smears, some more whole than the others. And they all had chewed flesh spat next to them_. _No longer were they Eren's dear friends. No, now they were all globs of useless gore left to be forgotten in the midst of war._

_Eren screams. He screams and scream and screams and screams. Screaming, screaming, screaming. His throat hurts and his head pounds. Tears sting his eyes, disguised in the rain. And he's screaming. Goddess, he's always screaming. And it pierces the air in its realness, a raw quality to it that sends chills down his spine. And it's coming from him, from deep within his soul. It's horribly familiar._

_The smell of metal, gas, and flesh is horribly familiar._

_It blankets the air in a choking aroma that presses down on him. He should be used to this by now, but it always hurts. Hurts, hurts, hurts. Why does it hurt so much? It's burning him. Eating him alive. He just wants it to stop. Can someone make it stop?_

_~~~_

Eren wakes up to someone shaking him and screaming. Who's screaming? His throat aches in complaint and he knows. He knows. It's him. He's the one who's screaming. He's always screaming, screaming, screaming. He's always tired, tired, tired.

His throat hurts.

His body is shaken again and he can faintly hear someone calling his name. "Eren! Eren!"

But he's too lost in his own mind to answer.

~~~

_"Armin," he croaks, his throat dry and aching. He coughs pitifully. "Armin."_

_Armin doesn't stir. He's motionless on his cot and Eren's breathing quickens, panic filling him. He opens his mouth to try again. All that comes out is a hoarse cry. His eyes fill with tears. He's hyperventilating now, his breathing painfully scratchy. A nurse shuffles into the room and pauses at the sight of Armin's pale, still body. Her face hardens and she pushes her hair away from her face. "Goddesses, it's taken another," she mumbles and Eren stops breathing. His body protests and he coughs weakly. The nurse jolts and turns to look at him. Her face softens in pity at the snot and tears staining his face. "Oh dear. I'm so sorry, sweetheart. He's gone."_

_"What?" it's breathy and barely audible but she seems to understand him. She bites her lip and looks away._

_"Your friend is dead," she says it softly and for a moment it's not real. But then it's all too real. His chest aches, lungs burning, throat ripping. And the nurse is suddenly in his face, her eyes frantic. "Doctor!" she's screaming, the veins in her neck prominent and Eren's vision is blurring together. She screams again but it's faint. Almost muted. Eren's throat hurts and he can't breathe. His chest stutters frantically and his entire body is shaking._

_"What happened?"_

_"I don't know. He just started convulsing!"_

_"What triggered it?"_

_"His friend died...."_

_"I see. This may be a panic attack but due to pneumonia, it's fatal. We'll have to calm him down."_

_Eren's vision fades into black and he's gasping for air. He can't breathe. His face is wet and his throat aches. His lungs burn and his entire body feels raw. He can't breathe. He feels like he's going to throw up. His head is pounding. He can't breathe. He's shaking. His ears are ringing. He can't breathe._

_"Sir, his temperature is much too high and his heart rate is falling."_

_"We might lose him! Fuck! Get some water and hurry! We have to get his fever down!"_

_His abdomen cramps up and he's hot. Everything is burning. His body aches and shivers. And he's hot. His skin feels dry and it aches. Eren cries out in pain, his head throbbing along with his heart. His body feels weak. He's dizzy and lightheaded. His breathing quickens again. Rapid and shallow. He can't breathe. His stomach churns. Bile rises in his throat and he coughs it up pathetically, his eyes watering as he gags. He opens his eyes and they roll. He can't breathe. Armin is still asleep. He's so still and peaceful. Eren coughs more bile up. "Armin...," he rasps_ _and his eyes roll again. "Armin," he tires again an_ d _he's crying now. "Armin," his voice cracks and he coughs again. "Armin!" he tries to scream. His throat aches and he can't breathe._ "Armin!" _he blacks out._

_~~~_

"Eren, please! It's okay, calm down! It's just a dream! _Eren!"_

_~~~_

_They're on the roof of the barracks and the cold wind is biting into his skin. The stars glitter down at him. "Mikasa?" he whispers and he hears her hum in question. He rolls on his side to look at her. "Do you think it's possible to live the same thing over and over again?"_

_"Yes, I do," she answers after a while, opening her eyes. Eren feels relief wash over him and he almost cries out in happiness. "People can relive many things. Like heartbreak."_

_"Oh," disappointment takes over him and he sighs, his breath a white cloud in front of him. Mikasa raises an eyebrow at him._

_"Not what you were looking for?" he shakes his head and swallows the lump in his throat. She notices and her eyes flood with concern. "Tell me."_

_"No. It's stupid," she glares at him and he relents. "What if everytime you died you woke back up a couple of years before your death? What if you had to relive the same day over and over again?"_

_Mikasa stares at him, her face blank and her eyes clouded._ _She_ _gives away nothing and Eren mirrors her. After a while, she opens her mouth. "Time travel?"_

_"A loop. A time loop."_

_"A time loop?" he nods. "I don't know, Eren. Where did this come from?"_

_"What if I_ _told_ _you that I've looped thirty times? That I've relived the fall of Shiganshina_ thirty times? _That I've_ died _thirty times?" his voice is quiet, barely above a whisper and it shakes. His eyes are wild in his hope for her to believe, to_ understand. _She looks at him with wide, almost scared eyes and his hope falls into despair. He eyes fill with tears and he chokes as he speaks around the lump in his throat. "You don't believe me?"_

_She hurries to comfort him. "I'm trying to, Eren. I really am. But how can I? That's impossible."_

_"Impossible," he echoes insensibly. Mikasa's eyes him in pity. Rage fills him. "Don't look at me like that."_

_"Eren, I don't know how else to look at you. What you're telling me is fiction. It's not real."_

_"Don't look at me like that_ _!" he raises his voice and his hands. "Don't look at me!"_

_Mikasa's face is full of pity, concern, and fear. He hates it. "I don't know what you want from me, Eren."_

_"I want you to believe me," he cries, brokenly. "And to stop looking at me like that."_

_"Eren, you need help. You're delusional," she speaks gently as if to calm him. It does the opposite._

_"Stop looking at me like that!" he yells, covering his eyes with his hands. And he's screaming. "I don't need help. I'm not crazy! I'm not delusional!"_

_"I didn't say you were crazy-"_

_Tears wet his faces and he shakes his head, violently. "_ You _are for thinking that you can protect me all the time!"_

_"Eren-"_

_"You can't protect anyone!"_

_~~~_

"You're okay. It's okay. It's only a dream. You'll be okay. _You'll be okay."_

_~~~_

Why's he crying? _Eren thinks to himself, watching Armin with a confused look._ What happened?

_"Why?" Armin whispers to himself and Eren grunts. "Why?" his voice gets louder. "Why?" he's yelling now. "Why, Eren?"_

 

_"What did I do?"_

_Armin whips around to look at him and Eren can't believe what he sees. Armin, sweet Armin, looking at him through hate filled eyes. "Nothing. You did_ nothing. _"_

_"I'm confused," he states and Armin laughs. It's dry, without life and it disturbs Eren._

_"Don't tell me you don't know, Eren. You can't use that excuse anymore," he smiles at him cruelly. "Where's Mikasa?"_

_Eren pauses and looks around the abandoned battlefield. There are wounded everywhere and he can't spot Mikasa among them. He answers honestly. "I don't know."_

_"She's dead, Eren. Dead," his voice is soft but it cuts through Eren like a knife. "And you killed her."_

_"What?"_

_"You_ watched _as a titan_ ate her. _And you laughed_ _," Armin says as if he was talking about the weather, casually. "I never thought you'd do something like that."_

_Eren hurries to defend himself, horror settling into his very being. "I didn't-"_

_"Don't lie," Armin cuts him off. "Don't you dare."_

_"I didn't," Eren whispers and Armin scoffs._

_"You really don't remember?" his voice is a sigh and Eren's head spins._

_"No."_

_"You killed her, Eren._ _You. K_ _illed. Her."_

_"I didn't kill anyone," Eren yells and falters when Armin flinches. "Armin?"_

_Armin looks him in the eyes, the normally soft baby blue orbs cold as ice. "I hate you, Eren."_

_"What? Armin? Ar?" tears blur his vision. "But I didn't do anything..."_

_"I. Hate. You."_

_~~~_

"Eren, it's okay. You're okay. Everything's okay. It's only a dream. It's just a dream!"

~~~

_He's tired and he just needs a quick break. He'll go back home in a few minutes. The alley way he sneaks into is dark and damp. Eren's cold. He grimaces at the white clouds his breath causes. It reminds him of titans -and of pain and sadness and hurt - and he's so tired. He closes his eyes and calms the raging storm in his mind._

_He doesn't know how long he stays like that but he knows it's a while. Minutes. Hours. He doesn't know. Eren doesn't know anything. He doesn't know why this is happening to him. Hasn't he been tormented enough? Is he a bad person? Is he being punished? Why? Why him?_

_Eren breathes shakily and trembles lightly in the cold air. He hears footsteps and opens his eyes. There's a man standing in the entryway of the alley and dread fills Eren. He freezes and watches as the man walks closer. The man wordlessly pulls out a gun and Eren panics. He runs towards the entryway as fast as his legs will carry him but he's not fast enough. The gun fires in a burst of smoke and sparks and Eren screams when the bullet embeds itself inside his stomach. He stumbles and falls. The man laughs at him. And Eren's crying. Why? Why? Why?_

_He slowly pulls himself up onto his feet. He needs to get home. Armin and Mikasa are waiting for him. They're probably worried._

_Searing fiery bursts pulsate around the wound, intensifying with each dragging step, jarring and brutal. With each step the pain amplifies, the bloody injury quivers, his consciousness ebbs. Black mists swirls at the edges of his mind drawing him into sweet oblivion. His head hits the cobblestone_ _with a_ _responding crack and his last thoughts are of Armin and Mikasa._

~~~

Eren screams. The hands holding him down are suffocating and he can't breathe. He screams louder. A cry for help. The hands shake him again and Eren's sobbing. Whispering to himself, brokenly. _"I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired. Can I sleep? I want to sleepsleepsleepsleel. I'm so tiredtiredtiredtired. Mom? Mom? I miss you. Miss you. Blood, there's so much blood. Make it stop. Why? Whywhywhy? I don't know why. I want to know why. Help me, please. I'm so tired."_

"Eren, please!" the hands are on his face now and Eren mumbles incoherently. His eyes attempt to focus and through his vision he can make out a glimpse of bright blond hair and blue eyes. "You're okay! It's okay! Calm down!"

"Ar?" he blinks rapidly, sniffling as he does so. The blob of blond and blue focuses and Armin laughs in relief. "Armin?"

Armin releases an oof when Eren throw himself at him, shoulders still shaking with the force of his tears. Armin lets out a soft sigh and wraps Eren up in his warm embrace. Eren's only half aware of the other boys in the barracks watching them but he can't bring himself to care. Armin pets his hair and suddenly, he can breathe. He swallows the lump in his throat and breathes shakily. Armin only holds him, never asking questions and Eren's grateful. When he's calm Armin smiles. "Another bad dream?"

"A nightmare," he nods and wipes away the snot and tears with his sleeve. Armin frowns at him and tries to get him to use a tissue. Eren laughs shakily. "It was a really bad one."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Armin asks and yes, Eren does. By the goddesses, he does. He wishes he could but he knew Armin wouldn't believe him. After all, if Mikasa didn't how could Armin? He shakes his head and, at Armin's doubting look, smiles reassuringly. He knows that it's weak and shaky, if even that. But, as always, Armin leaves him be. "Okay. If you need me, don't hesitate. Okay?"

"Okay," he whispers, checking his window. It's still dark out and Eren sighs, tiredly. Everyone else has already settled back down in their bunks, after staring for a little bit. Eren knew he's expected to as well. He grimaces and does so, ignoring Armin's concerned looks. Memories swirl in his brain, tearing up the remainder of his sanity. He's tired.

"Goodnight Eren," Armin whispers to him and Eren smiles. Armin frowns at him before climbing back to his bunk. Eren listens to the bunk shake and settles in to wait the night out. 

~~~

He's surprised and, admittedly, very angry when the bright rays of the sun wake him up. He groans his rage to the world. "Close the fucking blinds, Ar."

"I'm not climbing down to do that," is the mumbled answer. "You're closer."

"No," Eren snuggles into the bed and huffs. "Reiner, you do it."

"Fuck no. You're closer," is the reply and Eren sighs. He cracks his eye open and glares at Reiner.

"Someone has to do it and I'm not," he states and when no one volunteers he shrugs. "I didn't want to do this but you lazy fucks give me no choice," he says before inhaling deeply. He smirks at Reiners look of terror. "Mikasa!"

"Eren, stop! I'll do it! Just shut up!" Reiner whispers to him, harshly. Eren smirks.

"It's already too late," with that said the doors to the boy's barracks burst open with a loud bang and Mikasa came running in. When she spots Eren, she immediately runs to his side and grabs his hands in hers.

"What is it, Eren? Why did you scream? Are you okay?" her hands leave his and she checks his temperature. "You don't feel warm. Are you okay? What happened?"

Armin groans from the top bunk. "He didn't want to close the blinds, 'Kasa. He's just lazy."

"That's true but, to be fair, I got little to no sleep last night," at Mikasa's questioning glance he elaborates. "Nightmares."

"I'm sorry, Eren. I'll close the blinds and I'll wake you up for the disbanding ceremony," and with that, she hurries and closes the blinds. Eren smiles and thanks her, sleepily.

"Night, 'Kasa. Love you," he mumbles into his pillow, sleep already claiming him now that there's no sun burning in his eyes.

"Goodnight, Eren. I love you too," she kisses him on the forehead and bids goodnight to Armin as well. Eren falls asleep to the quiet sound of a door closing. It feels like minutes later she's shaking him awake.

"I don't want to," are the first words to leave his mouth and everyone in the barracks agree. Mikasa sighs and pulls the covers off of him. He glares at her, betrayed. "Why? I trusted you."

She rolls her eyes. "Get up and get dressed. The ceremony starts in 30 minutes."

Eren sticks his tongue out at her, childishly. She only sighs as she leaves. With a huff, Eren gets up and stretches. He bangs his fist against Armin's bunk. "Get up, Ar. The ceremony's in 30 minutes."

"30 minutes?" Armin sputters and he's up in less than 2 seconds. Eren's almost impressed by his speed. Almost. He glares at his bed before following Armin's example. Within 10 minutes they're dressed and ready to go. Eren yawns as they walk to the courtyard.

"You made it just in time," Mikasa whispers to him and Armin. They nod at her and she smiles briefly. Eren returns the smile, tiredly.

_About goddessdamn time_ _,_ Eren thinks as Shadis finally comes to stand in front of them. _Three years of training, that I don't need, are finally over._

"Devote you lives to the cause!" Shadis yells and Eren salutes as do the other 104th recruits. He sighs and tunes out the man's speech. "On this day, those of you graduating have three options. The Garrison Regiment, which reinforces the Walls and protects each town. The Survey Corps, which ventures outside the Walls into titan territory. Or the Military Police, which maintains order in the King's name. Of course, entry into the Military Police is limited to the following outstanding individuals I'm about to announce, he observes them for a moment and his face hardens. "Christa Lenz! Sasha Braus! Conny Springer! Marco Bodt! Jean Kirschstein! Annie Leonhart! Bertoldt Hoover! Reiner Braun! Mikasa Ackerman! And class leader, Eren Jaeger!" Keith is done and he leaves. Immediate chatter follows his departure. There's awed gasps and cries and Eren sighs. He's so tired.

Mikasa walks up to him and smiles. "You did good, Eren. Mom would be proud."

Eren's about to answer but Armin cuts him off with a hug. "You both are so amazing! I'm so proud!"

"Thanks," Eren smiles down at the boy in his arms. "We're proud of you too, you know?" he pinches Armin's cheek. "Top marks in our class!"

"Stop it," Armin whines, pouting at him and Eren snickers. Mikasa smiles at their interaction and briefly embraces them both.

"Let's go get something to eat," she suggests and Eren and Armin agree. They make their way to the mess hall exchanging jokes and smiles. And Eren's happy. That is, until he hears Jean's annoying voice.

"Marco! Now, we can join the Military Police! A safe and pleasant life inside the Walls awaits us!" his voice is loud and joyful. It pisses Eren off.

Marco nods and smiles. "Yes! It's such an honor to be able to work so close to the King."

Eren's anger lessons and he sighs. Jean smirks and Eren's anger returns full force. "Still the wise guy, huh? Tell the truth."

"Hey, Jeanbo," he calls out with a smile on his face. "Isn't it strange? You know, how you trained to kill titans only to run way like a dog with its tail between its legs?" he smirks. "Well, when I put it that way, it kind of sounds like you're a coward. Doesn't it?"

"What are you talking about? That's exactly the way it is. If we weren't cowards them we'd be dead," Jean waves his hand in front of his face as if Eren's stupid.

"You're a scumbag," Eren says it like he's confessing his love. Jean's face twists in anger.

"This is why we lost over 90 percent of the population five years ago. We're no match for the titans!"

"Okay, Jeanbo. I see where you're coming from," Eren sighs. "You think just because we've failed a few times that it's hopeless, right? Well, we didn't know anything about the titans then. It's different now, Jeanbo. Thanks to Section Commander Hange Zoe's research we stand a chance. Thanks to countless sacrifices we stand a chance. And you're going to abandon tactics developed through said sacrifices and hide behind the Walls? You must be joking."

Jean laughs. "If you're so desperate to go outside, do it alone! Race to your death for all I care!"

"That was always the plan," Eren smirks. Jean simply stares at him and Eren's had enough. He leaves and sits outside, trying to calm down. Mikasa and Armin follow him. Eren smiles and hugs them both close to his body. "Thanks for sticking with me these past few years. I know that it's been tough and that it wasn't easy. I love you."

Armin smiles at him, softly. "It's okay, Eren. None of us were in a good place. It's like you said, things _are_ different now. We have a chance. Everything's going to be okay."

"He's right, Eren. Even if nothing works out and everything falls apart, we'll be okay. We only need each other," Mikasa whispers to them, her scarf covering up her blush.

Eren smiles and smothers them both in kisses and hugs. "I love you guys."

"And we love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Levi in this chapter. Only angst and a bit of humor. There will definitely be Levi in the next chapter, though. Don't worry! Anyways, I hope that you enjoyed this chapter! Please comment, it fuels me.


	8. cent trente-neuf(quarte)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Colossal Titan strikes again. Eren realizes something. Breakdowns. Also Levi returns! But, most importantly, Ereri.

The morning after the disbanding ceremony, which Eren thinks is a stupid name for what is basically graduation for cadets, is dismal and bland. But Eren knows better. The second breach will happen today. It always does. Eren's done with trying to warn everyone. They never believe him. He sighs as he cleans the canons with a practiced ease a cadet fresh out of training shouldn't possess. He grins at Connie's glare. "What's up, buttercup? Jealous?"

"No!" Connie screeches, indignantly. He attacks the barrel of the canon with much more fervor than before. Eren laughs at him and busies himself with watching below the Wall, carefully. Connie's voice breaks him out of his trance. "Still set on joining the Survey Corps?"

"Yes," Eren sighs and musses his hair. "Are you joining too?"

"Yeah, actually. Your speech was very convincing," Connie pauses, his face turning red. "Not that that had anything to do with my decision!"

Eren rolls his eyes. "Sure, Connie."

"It's true! I made this decision on my own!" Connie yells and Eren hums. Mina strolls up right on time with her signature playful but innocent grin. Eren grimaces at the sight of her and has to force himself to stay put.

"Looks like Eren's speech yesterday really made an impact. Especially on you, Connie," she grins as said boy scrambles to defend himself.

"Shut up! I made up my own mind!" he sputters a bit and Eren does nothing to hide his grin. Connie's face darkens even more. Thomas and Mina laugh at him and Eren waits for Sasha to show up before sneaking off.

He slips off of the Wall with a grin, using his wires to attach himself to it. Slowly, he lowers himself to the ground and waits after patting himself with dirt. It had worked in a past loop, there was no harm in trying it out again. It doesn't take long and Eren's grin widens at the sight of movement from behind the building right outside of the Wall. He pales at who it is. Bertoldt. The man who he had died beside time after time. The man who had died for him. Eren couldn't believe it. Bertoldt couldn't be the shifter who'd destroyed the Walls. He couldn't be. "No no no  _nononononononononononono , _not him," he chokes out and he leaves. Goddess, he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready. He lands back on top of the Wall, unnoticed by his friends. Even the one set on killing everyone.

There's the familiar flash of yellow lightning and burst of steam, everyone screaming as they were thrown off of the Wall. "What in the hell?" then, a gasp of horror. "It's the Colossal!"

Eren, however, manages to keep his position on the Wall. Just barely. He looks up a Bertoldt with tears in his eyes. His voice is thick with hurt and sadness. "Why?"

"Eren!" Conny screams, but Eren ignores him. He stumbles forwards and falls to his knees, shock painting his face. It doesn't take long for it to contort into murderous rage.

"I'll kill you," he mumbles, rising onto his feet once more. He unsheathes his blades, his grip on them turning his knuckles bone white. He smiles up at Bertoldt and it only widens at the apprehension in his eyes. The next time he opens his mouth, his voice is full of toxic sweetness. "Hey, Bertoldt?" true fear ignites in his eyes. "You won't struggle much, right?" his voice trails off, his eyes full of manic glee. Then, he's attacking in a blur of silver and brown. Suddenly, he's behind Bertoldt, his hooks securely in his flesh and his blades eager. And he hums a low melody that his mother sung to him, an old German cradle song. Der Mond ist aufgegangen. The lyrics echo in his head.

_ Der Mond ist aufgegangen, d _ _ ie goldnen Sternlein prangen am Himmel hell und klar; der Wald steht schwarz und schweiget, und aus den Wiesen steiget der weiße Nebel wunderbar. _

He attacks and flashes of his past, his pain, his strife burn their way through his brain. They haunt him. Their deaths, their tears, their blood, and sweat. Their smiles, their laughs, their joy, and fear. They haunt him. He hears a scream in the distance.

_ Wie ist die Welt so stille, und in der Dämmrung Hülle so traulich und so hold! Als eine stille Kammer, wo ihr des Tages Jammer verschlafen und vergessen sollt. _

Another failed attack, he's faintly pleased to note that the Wall is still intact. Memories of his mother laughing, smiling,  _living_ is among them. Tears prick his eyes and he blames it on the steam. More screams reach his ears, faint over the pounding of his heart.

_ Seht ihr den Mond dort stehen? Er ist nur halb zu sehen, und ist doch rund und schön! So sind wohl manche Sachen, die wir getrost belachen, weil unsere Augen sie nicht sehn. _

He attacks once again and is thwarted by steam once again. The scream he hears this time is loud and clear, having come from his own throat. Bertoldt rears his foot back and Eren laughs hysterically. He attacks again and again and again, growing more and more desperate.

_ Wir stolze Menschenkinder sind eitel arme Sünder und wissen gar nicht viel; wir spinnen Luftgespinste und suchen viele Künste und kommen weiter von dem  _ _ Ziel _ _._

His mother's voice echoing in his ears is the only thing that keeps him from spiraling into insanity when Bertoldt's foot destroys Wall Rose's gate. Eren falls limp when he disappears, only triggering the wires at the last second. He makes it onto the Wall and pushes past Conny and the rest. They yell, praise, scold and cry. Eren hears none of it. He waits.

A soldier lands next to him, eyes frantic. "What're you doing? Go to HQ! Now! That's an order!"

Eren listens, leaving his failure behind.

~~~

"Divide into squads and mop up the titans! The middle guard will be the Support Squad led by the Cadet Corps,  while the rear guard will be the Garrison Regiment's Elite Squad!" Kitz yells, his eyes wide with fear. "We've received word that the vanguard has already been wiped out! Titans have broken through the outer gate and are invading as we speak! Defend Wall Rose with your lives until the citizens have been evacuated! Move!" Eren salutes along with the others and turns to Jean once Kitz leaves. The boy is pale and his eyes are wide.

"Why today of all days?" he groans, his right hand covering his eyes. "One more day! One more day and I would've already been in the interior!"

Eren growls at him under his breath but contains himself. Jean isn't worth his time. Nothing's worth his time anymore.  _It's all pointless,_ he thinks as he watches Mikasa reluctantly leave with Ian. He'll die, Eren knows. Mitabi as well. Eren thinks he should feel  _something_  about it,  _anything._ He can't.  _Pointless,_ the word echoes in his head and his mind flashes to Levi. His military undercut, his gun-metal blue eyes, his hidden smiles, his toilet humor, his  _everything._ And he feels better. And he thinks that maybe - just maybe - not everything is pointless.

As always, his squad is made up of Armin, Mina, Thomas, and that poor cadet whose name Eren can't remember. He doesn't bother with a speech this time around. He only nods at the others before launching himself into the fray. Eren's not surprised when Thomas is caught in the same titan's mouth in midair. He's not surprised when Mina is plucked from the ground. He's not surprised when Armin watches in silent shock. No, Eren's not surprised. He's tired. He's only ever tired. Tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired. Always  _tiredtiredtiredtired_.

With a tortured sigh, he swoops in and saves Armin. It's a little difficult to maneuver with someone in his arms, but he manages. Several times, he has to set Armin on a roof to dispose of a nearby titan. Several times, he almost loses Armin. Several times, he has to fight down the panic tightening his chest. It feels like it has been hours when he makes it to the roofs where most of the cadets have taken shelter on. He lands gracefully, setting Armin down carefully. Armin whimpers and grips his fingers tightly. Eren smiles as he squeezes back. "It's okay, Ar. You're okay, everything's going to be okay."

Armin doesn't answer but, then again, Eren didn't expect him to. He peels Armin's fingers off of his hands and pets the boy's blond hair once before striding over to Jean. The ash-haired boy sneers at him. Eren smiles. "What do you want?"

"And here I thought that you liked me," Eren pouts dramatically. Jean grunts and lets his head fall into his hands. "Oh, c'mon! Lighten up, Jeanbo! You're not dead yet."

Jean glares at him through his hands. "But we could be in a matter of minutes, Eren. There is no "lighten up" in a situation like this. We have barely any gas and the base is overrun by titans. How can we lighten up?"

"I don't know," Eren puts his index finger to his lips, posing thoughtfully. "Maybe stop sitting on your asses, all "woe is me?" That's a start."

Conny bangs the side of the gas tube on his left hip with his fist. "Yeah! We can use the gas we have to get to base and resupply. We have enough! We'll worry about the titans after!"

"And who would lead that suicide mission, Conny?" Jean asks, dryly. Eren decides to take a page out of Marco's book.

"You will," he pointedly ignores their surprise and doubt. "You're a coward, Jeanbo. You know what real fear feels like and that's what makes you a good leader," he pauses, one hand on his cheek. Jean looks like he doesn't know whether to be flattered or offended. "Or some bullshit like that. I don't know. Ask Marco."

"Asshole!" Jean yells at him after he skips off. Yes, Eren  _is_ skipping. Mental breakdown aside, he's feeling pretty good. It's a lie, of course. A front. He giggles to himself, his mind spiraling down into the heavy throes of insanity. He comes to a stop in front of Armin.

"Eren?" the small blond whispers. "Why do these things happen?"

Eren drops to his knees and wraps Armin up in a tight hug. And while he knows it's not much, he offers up any comfort he can. "They say misfortune comes in threes. We're almost done, Armin. We're almost done."

"Thanks, Eren," his voice is muffled by Eren's uniform. His grip tightens. "Thank you."

"I know, Armin. I know," Eren coos, rubbing circles into Armin's backs. "I know."

There's the thud of someone landing on the roof and Eren knows it's Mikasa.  _Right on time,_ he thinks, dryly. He's so fucking tired of knowing. Mikasa crouches next to them, her eyes full of concern. Eren smiles. He releases Armin from his hold, the boy sniffling and rubbing his eyes. Mikasa lets out a hum and weaves her fingers with Armin's. The boy smiles at her, shakily. And Eren knows he's okay. He decides to break the silence.

"Do you think that if I acted coy enough, Levi would fuck me?"

Armin sputters and Mikasa's nose pinches in disgust. She stares at him, blankly. "Eren, you're half his age. And this is hardly the time to be talking about this."

"As long as he can get it up, I think it's fine," he grins and makes a show of licking his lips. Mikasa gives him a look full of disappointment. Armin looks scandalized. Eren laughs. "I'm sorry. You're right, 'Kasa. Another time."

Right after he's said that Jean's rallied up the others and they're off. Eren hums the lullaby as they make their way, ignoring the cries of the ones who were caught. He doesn't have the time. The base comes into sight in minutes and they burst through the windows, glass going everywhere. Eren smiles at the cowards curled up behind a barricade of desks. He keeps said smile on his face as he walks up to them and throws them out of their safe haven. Mikasa watches him, warily. She catches his eye and he knows that she knows. His smile widens. "Eren."

"Hello, you're the supply team, right?" they nod, their eyes fearful. "You're not very good at doing your job, are you? You don't even have the excuse of titans swarming the base seeing ad you've been trained to kill them. You really should've taken your thumbs out of your asses and done your fucking jobs. You'd have saved countless lives if you had, but c'est la vie."

Jean watches him in shock. "What the hell man?"

"You wouldn't have used your words, Jeanbo. You wanted to throttle them. Don't act high and mighty with me," Eren giggles and turns to the supply team once more. "Are there titans below too?"

"Yes," one whispers and Eren nods.

"Splendid! Armin, if you will please come up with a plan. Yes, thank you. That's wonderful," he hums, staring at the titans in the window. He turns to the supply team once more. "Give me your gas."

"Eren!" Armin's voice breaks and Eren stifles his laughter. The girl who answered him before gives him her gas, her eyes understanding. Eren quickly replaces them and smiles at Armin. His cheeks hurt.

"It's alright, Ar. She understands. Besides, I need it more than her," and with that he's outside, ignoring his friend's protests. He takes his blades out and breathes. "Alright, motherfuckers. Let's dance," and he's off, firing his anchors into napes, arms, legs, wherever he can reach. Red blood sprays in his face, thick and scalding on his tongue. He laughs, loudly. Laughing, laughing, laughing. Goddess, he's so fucked up.

He can hear a murmuring and it keeps getting louder and louder. Reaching a fever pitch.  _Scritch  scratch I know you can hear me, won't you answer? _And it's hard to breathe. But, it's always hard to breathe.  _Can't run, can't hide, can't fight. You're useless. So stupid._ He can't breathe. His chest feels tight, his insides heavy. He can't breathe. And then he's hyperventilating and he's still laughing, laughing, laughing. And he's gasping, gasping, gasping. Crying, crying, crying. It's screeching now. A painful shriek of one's mind dying.  _Scritch  scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch._

"Eren," he's on the ground and Mikasa lands next to him. He's collapsed to his knees, hunched over. The titans are dead, their bodies steaming as they rot. And he's laughing, shrill and high pitched. And he's crying, gasping, laughing. It's ragged and wet. And he's so tired

"Look at you!" he practically screams, gasping and laughing. "You haven't changed on goddessdamn bit! You're still as useless as before! Nothing's changed!" he trails off into more laughter and cries. Screaming out his pain and hurt and sadness. It echoes off of the buildings around him. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! No matter how hard I try I'm still worthless!" he raises up and gasps, wheezing. Mikasa meets his gaze, her eyes full of tears.

"Eren," she whispers and she's hugging him to her chest, tightly. And he comes more undone in her arms. Shrieking and wheezing, wetly. He gasps for air, her fingers running through his hair. And he's still laughing, laughing, laughing. But when she speaks again he's completely silent. "Stop, that isn't true," she kisses his forehead and more tears slip from his eyes. "Thank you for fighting, for always standing by me. Thank you for showing me how to live with purpose," her smile softens even more and Eren's entranced. Feelings long buried stirring, bringing with them a longing. "My scarf. For always wrapping it around me. Thank you."

"'Kasa," he gasps, weakly as she leans in. He moves and her lips land on his cheek. His voice is scratchy. "Don't thank me for things I didn't do."

She tenses. "What do you mean?"

"I didn't do any of that," he breathes it quietly, like a secret. And it is. "I didn't fight, I didn't show you how to live with purpose, I didn't wrap that scarf around you. It wasn't me," he giggles, a cruel smile curling his lips. "It was an angry little boy who wouldn't stop making noise. He didn't know what to do. I'm not that angry little boy."

"Then, what are you Eren?" her voice is barely audible. He meets her gaze, eyes too wide, smiling with too many teeth.

"A monster."

~~~

Eren is tired. Oh so very tired. He feels weak at his knees. Still, he puts on a smile for Armin and Mikasa. He pointedly avoids everyone's pitying eyes. He doesn't need it. It doesn't matter seeing as most of them die. Guilt consumes him when the thought makes him feel marginally better. Jean comes into the room along with a few other, their arms full of crates containing guns.

"Courtesy of the Military Police," he smirks, cocking one. Then, he frowns. "They were covered by a layer of dust. Armin, will this be enough? Are guns even effective?"

"I don't know about their effectiveness but this should be enough to serve our purpose if they are. If timed perfectly, that is," he looks around the room and raises his voice. "There are seven titans in the supply room of the four meters tall variety. First, we'll lower a group into the area via lift. Second, when the titans are in range the group fires in all four directions simultaneously, blinding them. Then, the hard part," he stares down at the map spread out before him. "Before the titans regenerate, seven of us will swoop down from the rafters and strike their vital regions. That's the plan. If we screw up, we're dead."

"I knew you'd come up with a good plan," Eren ruffles his hair. "Useless my ass."

Armin blushes and shoves Eren's hand away. "It could all go wrong in the blink of an eye. We have to be careful and on task."

"Of course," Eren stretches his arms out above his head, bouncing on the soles of his feet. "I'll be on the rafters, yeah? I think Sasha should be on the lift. Hunters have incredible aim."

"Good thinking," Mikasa praises, watching him carefully. Eren ignores her and makes his way to his position. He can feel her gaze burning holes into the back of his head.

Of course, it all goes down without a hitch. Eren knew moving Sasha would be a good idea. "See?" he smiles at Armin, refilling his gas tanks. "I told you."

"Yeah," Armin whispers with a smile. Eren cackles and finishes up, quickly. Levi would be there soon and Eren doesn't want to miss it. He rushed everyone, ushering many out of the doors.

"Quit wasting my time. Let's go," he claps his hands, demanding. Jean scoffs and Eren kicks his ass out of the room. Literally. Marco laughs as he leaves and Eren sighs. Will Marco die this time around? Or will he live? Why is Bertoldt doing this? Is Reiner in on it? It makes sense, sadly. Along with Annie, they were all from the same village. Was that village full of beings like them?

"Eren, we're leaving. C'mon," Mikasa ushers him out. Eren shakes his head and huffs in frustration. Goddess, he hates not knowing just as much as knowing. He makes his way to the edge of the base and stares down at the ground below. He can feel his comrades gazes burning holes into his back. He turns and smiles at them.

"I'm going to go to the breach and look around," he announces right before he jumps off the base and shoots off. Mikasa's and Armin's cries echo after him. He laughs. "I'm so fucked."

Halfway to his target, he's swatted out of the air. He lands on a red shingled roof with a grunt, the breath knocked out of him. He wheezes when the titan that had swatted him like a fly picks him up. He narrows his eyes in anger when he's dropped into the titan's gaping mouth. He screams and claws as he's swallowed. And when he lands in the titan's stomach with a wet plop a screech of rage leaves his lips.

He blacks out.

~~~

When he comes to he's much,  _much_ taller than he remembers. Towering over buildings tall. And the titan that ate him is at his feet, its back ripped and bloody. With a snort, he steps on its neck. He purrs when its head is severed. Then, the situation catches up to him and the realization holds him in cold hands. He's a titan. Like Bertoldt. Like Annie. And he's disgusted. And he feels nauseous but at the same time not. Like there's two of him. And he knows that it's because there is two of him. The titan and the human. He feels like laughing. He was right. He  _is_ a monster.

  
Another titan - that seems to think it's a fucking frog - comes bouncing up and Eren greets it with a punch. Raw power flows through his veins. And he's not so disgusted anymore. A purr rumbles deep in his chest. Yes, he could definitely kill them all with this as an advantage. He feels his face stretch, dully. He raises his hands to his face and is met with teeth. Two rows of them. He must look like he's crawled out of someone's nightmares.  The purr increases in volume and he hears a laugh echo in his head.  _Fuck yeah,_ he think in manic glee.  _I'm gonna fuck them up._

With the laughter still echoing in his head, he sets out on a new mission and brutally kills any titan he sees. After what feel like minutes, he starts to notice the lack of titans and looks around. The town is quiet, abandoned. He's pleased. Now, if only there was a way to keep it that way. He spots a huge boulder near the breach and the weird sensation of two smiles greets him. The laugh increases in volume, almost deafening now. And he's lifting the boulder onto his shoulders. And the muscles in his arms, legs, and back feel like they're ripping out of his skin. And every step he takes feels like it's crushing his spine. But, he makes it. Goddess, he makes it. And the breach is sealed. And he collapses, his body tingling. And suddenly, there's only one of him and his skin feels sticky and hot. But, he doesn't care. He can only laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. Because, this is his first real victory. He's winning. Goddess, he's winning. And his cheeks hurt from smiling so much. He's winning.

Too caught up in the adrenaline high, he fails to notice the body bellow his decaying away into nothing until it's almost too late. Somehow, his gear is completely unharmed, save for a scratch or two, and he's so happy. He makes his way back to Mikasa and Armin, tripping after he lands on the base. They catch him and he giggles. Mikasa clutches at him, feeling for injuries. "Eren? Are you okay?"

"Fuck, I'm great. 'Kasa, you won't believe it," he giggles into her shoulder, gripping Armin's hand tightly in his own. "The breach is sealed!"

"You're kidding," Armin gasps. Eren pulls himself out of Mikasa's embrace and takes Armin's face in his hands, squishing his cheeks.

"No, it's fucking sealed," he kisses all over Armin's face and does the same to Mikasa. He jumps up and throws his head back, laughing. "With a huge fucking boulder!"

His joy is infectious and soon everyone is laughing, cheering, hugging, kissing, and crying. And Eren's in the middle of it all, his heart pounding in his ears. Then, several soft thuds sound behind him. And jus grin widens and he's trembling with excitement. He spins around, his eyes wide. Levi stands in front of him and Eren can't contain himself. In the excitement, he loses himself. And suddenly his arms are around Levi. "Eren-"

And then his lips are on the raven-haired man's and he's flying. Panic catches him. "I'm sorry," he tries to pull away. Levi's arms hold him in place. Eren freezes. One of his hands reach up and brush a lock of Eren's hair away from his face. And he traces Eren's lower lip with his thumb. It quivers under his touch and he leans in. "Levi," Eren breathes when Levi's lips brush his. It wasn't innocent, like Eren's but hot, fiery,  passionate and demanding. Eren loses himself. He gasps into the kiss, blood boiling under his lips, and his hands surge up to tangle in Levi's hair. 

And in this precious moment, he's been seduced and he can't think straight. "Eren," Levi whispers slowly, prolonging each letter as if to savor them. Eren smiles, his heart fluttering against his ribs. Never before has his name sounded so wonderful. He leans in for another. And Levi meets him halfway. The world falls away. This one's slow and soft, comforting in ways that words can never be. Levi's hands rest below Eren's ear, his thumbs caressing his cheeks as their breathes mingle. And Eren runs his fingers down Levi's spine, pulling the man in closer until there was no space left in between them and he could feel the other's heartbeat in his own chest.

The haze around them clears away slowly until Eren is left with only the burning memory and taste of Levi's lips. He smiles at the other, thumbing the man's sharp hip bones. "Hmm, that was unexpected."

"Unexpected?" Levi laughs and Eren can feel it in his heart. His breath hitches. Levi smirks. "It seemed planned to me."

"Oh no," Eren rests his head on Levi's shoulder, despite how uncomfortable it is. "It was all very impulsive. I'm sure everyone is shocked by my audacity."

He tenses when he feels a pair of lips mouthing at his neck. A breathy moan escapes him and he laughs. Levi snorts. "They're staring all right. The horny shits. Probably fucking ecstatic that they got a free show. I hate brats."

"Good thing I'm not a brat, hmm?" Eren giggles when his side is pinched.

"Keep it up and I'm going for the ass next," Levi growls into his ear, playfully.

Eren nips at the man's earlobe. "Kinky."

Then, he's squirming his way out of Levi's embrace and making his way back to Mikasa and Armin. Every recruit is staring at him, their mouths agape in shock. Jean, surprisingly, looks proud. "Get some," he yells, wiping away an imaginary tear. Marco hits him on the arm.

"Eren," Mikasa grabs his arm and pats him down. "Did he do anything?"

Eren snickers. "Not anything I didn't want."

"Oh," Armin whispers. He, once again, looks scandalized. Eren turns to Levi.

"Does this mean I don't have to act coy to get you to fuck me?"

Levi snorts again. Hange pushes their way through and screams before he can answer. "Is this him?!"

"Four eyes," Levi warns, his face darkening. He kicks them off of him. "Watch it."

"Is this him or not?! I bet it is! Oh, he is cute!" they fawn and Eren watches, blankly. "Are you two close?"

"I'd think we'd have to be to be willing to suck face, you piece of shit," Levi sniffs, pushing Hange away from him with one hand. "Can you fucking not? Why are you like this?"

"I have an incessant need and I'm not sorry."

Eren walks up to the struggling pair. "An incessant need to know that juicy gossip."

"See?" they leave Levi and latch onto Eren. "He understands me, you sour plum."

"Does this make me a sweet plum?" Eren gasps. "No, a sweet baby plum!"

Levi frowns and rips Hange away from him. "Look at what you've done," he accuses. "You've ruined him! He was perfect."

"I always wash dishes immediately after using them," Eren says, immediately. Levi drops Hange and looks at him with shining eyes.

"You're a man after my heart," he whispers and Hange chokes. Eren licks his lips and giggles. "He's perfect again."

"If I said "no" I'd be a liar," Levi chuckles and ignores Hange's squeal. He sighs and flicks them on the forehead. 

"I'm definitely getting you on my squad," he says it like a promise and Eren laughs. Hange screams this time. Eren and Levi ignore it.

"You can do that right now," Eren suggests. "Technically."

"Technically," Levi parrots. "Then welcome to Squad Levi. You don't get anything so boo fucking hoo." 

"Aww," Eren pouts. "And here I was thinking that I'd get you."

Levi stares at him for a moment. "You think you're smooth."

"Oh, I am," Eren smirks. "Or, at least, I will be if a titan ever steps on me. A smooth red smear."

"You're fucked," Levi says, deadpan. Eren stifles his laugh. Suddenly, he remembers where they are and gives the shocked recruits a passing glance. He can't quite contain his laughter them. "If you don't stop gawking I'm going to shove each of your blades up your asses."

They all quickly loom away - Jean shooting Eren a quick thumbs up - and Eren sighs. "The beauty of fear. Truly a marvel."

"It comes in handy," Levi looks smug. "My bitchiness. Not the fear, though that's an added plus."

Eren nods and turns his gaze back to Hange who looks like they're about to implode. He sighs. "You can ask questions after all this is over," they look like they're about to cry. "Speaking of which, we should go and report this."

Levi doesn't grace him with a response, he only nods. But, it's enough for Eren. Anything he's willing to give is enough for Eren. 

~~~

Eren is unsurprised when the news of the breach causes mass chaos inside the Interior. He is pleased when it stops as quickly as it had spread. He's also extremely grateful that no one had seen him as a titan and that no one knew how the breach had been sealed. The trial Zachary called ended almost immediately. Eren had never been happier in all of his lives, which is an extreme exaggeration. 

Erwin's speech to inspire the recruits to join the Survey Corps is as is always is. Pathetic. Eren is tempted to make a scene but holds himself back. He stays put with Levi on stage, his head raised high, and watches through narrowed eyes. His friends stayed and joined like they always do. Eren's bored.

It ends quickly and soon everyone is ushered into their rooms. Eren's is three doors down from Levi's and that makes his heart stutter in his chest. He quickly washes up and relieves himself when thoughts of Levi cloud his mind. Then, he's in his new bed with freshly, laundered sheets brushing his naked skin. Thoughts of Bertoldt, Reiner, and Annie swim around in his head. They destroy any chances of him sleeping. Hours pass this way and it's light outside when he finally manages to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, things happened. And if any of you reading have watched season 2, that's where the breakdown came from. Also, I have the translation of the german lullaby I used. I promised Levi and you got him! I hope you enjoyed the interactions between Levi and Eren. I know I enjoyed writing them lol. And yes Eren did bounce back fom his breakdown but that's because he cares in bursts and then not at all. Anyway, here's the translation.
> 
> The moon has risen, the little golden stars shine in the heavens so clear and bright the woods stand dark and still and out of the meadows rise awonderful fog.  
> How the world stands still in twighlight’s veil so sweet and snug as a still room where the day’s misery you will sleep off and forget.  
> Do you see the moon standing there? You can only see half of it, and it is so round and beautiful! Such are several things that we laugh at mockingly, because our eyes do not see.  
> Us proud children’s men are poor and vain; and do not know much, we spin spirit’s of the air and look for many arts and come further from the goal.
> 
> This chapter took forever! It's also the longest chapter being at 5247 words! I hope you enjoyed it and hope for your continued support! Please comment, it fuels me.


	9. cent trente-neuf(cinq)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren has more breakdowns. Levi loses people close to him. Hange asks questions. Armin figures something out. A plan is made. And Erwin isn't as bad as he seems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so. There is smut in the chapter, it's not very graphic. But if you don't like that or it makes you uncomfortable it's starts out pretty obviously and is very short. Again, there is SMUT IN THIS CHAPTER. If you don't like, don't read.

He wakes up with a gasp and is just starting to prepare a scream when he notices that, no, he has not died and that, yes, this is still his 139th loop. He releases the air in his lungs in a long relieved sigh, his body relaxing pleasantly. Eren wipes the crust from his eyes and smiles, laughing at himself. Just a nightmare. Slowly, his bones in his back popping loudly as he stretches, he gets ready for his first day being an official member of the Survey Corps. An official member of Squad Levi. Then, it hits him. _Levi_. Abruptly, he's hit with all of the memories of the events that had occurred the day of the breach. Yesterday.

Bertoldt and his betrayal. Reiner and Annie. His newfound ability. And the kiss.

Goddess, the kiss.

He feels the back of his neck heat up and buries his face in his pillows to stifle the squeal leaving his lips. He'd kissed Levi! Levi, otherwise known as Humanity's Strongest! And the man had kissed him back! Eren feels like he's floating. He jumps up from the mess of blankets and trips over himself in his hurry to get dressed. To keep himself in the habit of it, he makes sure to clean. After he's done, his bed is made and it looks as if nobody lives in his room. It satisfies him. Though, he decides it needs something to make it look more lived in. He won't do anything, in hopes of moving in with Levi.

_Levi._

He sighs at the name and skips his way out of his room. No one's in the hallway. He shrugs and walks to the mess hall alone. On the way, many of the soldiers he passes stare at him. Their faces varying from awed to enraged. Eren keeps a smile on his face. They look away and he feels an almost primal feeling of satisfaction. He knows he must look disturbing with his eyes too wide and his lips stretched a little too much.

He makes it to the mess hall with no issues and immediately grabs something to eat. He sits with Levi's squad, ignoring Oluo's affronted glare. Petra looks slightly put off but smiles nonetheless. Eld and Gunther nod to acknowledge his presence. Eren smiles at them. "Not too happy to see me, are you?"

"Of course not," Oluo frowns at him.

"Can't we be friends?" Eren pouts, dramatically. Oluo scoffs, his frown deepening into an angry glare.

"Just because you deceived Levi doesn't mean you'll deceive me. You're just a piss poor brat-" blood spurts out from the deep bite on his tongue. Eren giggles at him, throwing a napkin at him. Petra hits Oluo on the arm, her face pink in anger.

"Don't disgrace Captain Levi like that! And stop pretending to be him while you're at it!" she turns to Eren with a smile. "I'm sorry about him," her eyes widen and she gestures to her right cheek. "You've got some... uh.... blood on your cheek. Here, I'll get it."

Eren waves her off with a grin. He can feel it on him. Hot and sticky as always. Bringing a finger to his cheek, he wipes it off with one smooth swipe. Petra and the others pale when he sticks it in his mouth. Metallic and thick, almost sweet. "It's fine," he says with a grin, licking his finger once more.

"Fucking freak," Oluo says around his swollen tongue. Eren smirks at him, finger still in his mouth.

"In the sheets," he says right as he spots Levi. He picks his plate up. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have business to attend to."

Oluo scoffs. "Sure."

Eren giggles as he makes his way to Levi. The man's sipping a cup of tea with Hange and Erwin. Eren unceremoniously sits next to him. "Hello, handsome."

"Eren!" Hange almost yells in their enthusiasm. Eren smiles and waves from his seat across from them. They giggle and hit Erwin. "This is Eren! You know? The boy who Levi has the hots for?"

"I'll kill you in your fucking sleep, do you understand that?" Levi threatens, idly. Hange laughs, deep and full-bellied.

"Oh, I do! I just don't fear death," they smile widely. Erwin smirks.

"Brightest of the scouts yet still you manage to almost kill yourself on every expedition," he shakes his head, sipping what Eren assumes is scotch. He takes it from the man to check. Yep, definitely scotch. 

"Hmm, that's strange. I had you pegged as more of a whiskey drinker," Eren throws the rest of the drink back, enjoying the slight burn in his throat. Levi hides his smirk behind his hand but is unable to stifle the snorts of amusement escaping him. Eren sighs at the sound, catching Hange's eye.

"I do enjoy whiskey more," Erwin says softly with an equally soft smile. "But all I had was scotch."

Eren nods as if he understands his plight. "At least it's good scotch."

"Damn kid, you're a riot. You know that?" Levi sets his cup down, tea shaking in its confines. Eren picks the cup up, enjoying the warmth that seeps into his cold hands. Levi watches him through narrowed eyes. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Like you really care. After all the spit we've swapped," he sips it, making a face at the bitterness of it. "Why would you ever? It's just as bitter as you."

"Fuck you," Levi snatches the cup away from him, curling himself around it almost. His narrow eyes glare at him, glinting in the candlelight. His lips are unintentionally set in a pout. Eren wants to kiss him. Goddess, he wants to kiss him.

"Beautiful," he whispers and kisses him. His hands are in Levi's hair, mussing it up delightfully. He presses so hard he can feel the outline of Levi's teeth and he knows their lips will be bruised. Levi doesn't seem to care as he grips Eren's hips and draws him in closer. And Levi's lips are as chapped as he remembers but Goddess are they still so soft. It's a simple kiss, a peck on the lips. But Eren wants it to be more. He wants, wants, _wants_.

"Fuck," Levi pulls away and Eren chases him for more. The man smirks and pushes at his face with his hand. Eren takes what he can get. He kisses each finger, each crease, each vein. By the time he's done worshipping Levi's hand, the man's cheeks are stained with a pretty blush. Even his ears are flushed. Eren wonders if it spreads down his shoulders. He's beautiful. Goddess, he's so beautiful.

"I'm going to die," Eren states, Levi's fingers resting on his lips. Hange laughs at him and Erwin is grinning slyly. Eren will kill him if he tries to use his relationship with Levi to his advantage. He turns his attention back to Levi. His hips simmer from where Levi's touch lingers. "You're going to kill me."

"I might," Levi admits. "If you don't give me my hand back."

Eren relents. Levi just lets his hand drop into Eren's lap. "Oh ho. I didn't expect this."

"Shut the fuck up. I didn't expect you to let me go so soon," he grimaces, crossing his arms. Eren thinks he's adorable, all pouty.

"Oh my goddess, you two are so cute!" Hange squeals. Eren gives them a look, even going as far as to flip them off. The gesture is lost on them, they only laugh. Erwin, at least, looks affronted.

"Erwin quit acting like an old woman who just heard a five-year-old curse. Eren drank your scotch and you didn't care. Priorities," Levi sighs. Erwin looks away.

"Point taken," he grunts, getting up from the table. "If you'll excuse me, I have paperwork to do."

Eren watches him leave with thoughtful eyes. "He's well respected, isn't he? Powerful?"

"Unfortunately," Levi says, staring at Erwin's back as if he's a stain. "Why?"

"What are you planning? Something devious I hope!" Hange cackles. Eren smiles.

"What would happen if we shave off his eyebrows?" they stare at him. "I swear, it's where his power lies. Without them, he's nothing."

"Eren, what are you on and where can I get some?" Levi asks over Hange's obnoxious laughter.

"Oh, Levi. I'm not on drugs," Eren giggles. "I'm just a tiny bit fucked up, that's all."

Hange snorts, not unlike a pig. "Oh," they gasp. "You are a hoot."

"Hange. What the fuck?" Levi looks as if he's offended by Hange's very existence. "A "hoot"? Are you fucking serious? Why are you like this?"

"I told you once, I'll tell ya twice!" Eren has to slap a hand over his mouth to stop from laughing. "I have an incessant need and I'm not sorry!"

"I also have an incessant need," Eren sticks his tongue out, hand inching over to Levi's crotch. "And I hope to the goddesses that you make me sorry."

"Eren," the dark-haired man scowls at him. Eren laughs and puts his hands up in surrender.

"Okay, okay. I'll stop. I promise," he crosses his fingers, blatantly. He looks at said fingers, feigning confusion. "Oops, how did that happen?"

"You should definitely keep him," Hange pokes Levi on the cheek. "He's totally a keeper. Definitely a keeper. A keeper. Keeping the keeper is what you're doing! No buts!" they pause. "One butt, his butt!"

Levi slaps their hand away, wiping his face with a napkin. He ignores their last comment, giving them a withering glare. "When was the last time you bathed?"

"I don't know. Maybe sometime last week?" they pause, thoughtfully. "Wait, no. It's been longer than that."

"Well, you smell like shit. Go," he gets up and grabs them by their hair. "Now."

"Can you manhandle me like that?" Eren asks, his eyes full of mischief. Levi doesn't react but Hange does.

"Woohoo, the boy's kinky! Perfect for you, huh Levi?" the man kicks them in the shin. "Ow! Why?"

"You know why, you piece of shit. Go. Bathe," he pushes them and they go, cackling. He turns to Eren, his eyes full of righteous rage. Eren smiles.

"So, I met the rest of the squad. I don't think they like me," he giggles. "Oluo in particular."

Levi frowns. "It doesn't matter if they don't like you. You're on the squad because I chose you. They can shove it for all I care."

"And all the rumors say you're not romantic," Eren gasps. "I've been lied to."

"Why would you ever believe rumors?" Levi raises a brow at him.

"Oh, I don't. I just love to talk shit," Eren picks up his plate and, while he's at it, everyone else's too. He skips into the kitchen, the plates rattling annoyingly. "Everyone feels the need to talk shit back except theirs is made up and mines not. I know my shit talk."

Levi follows him, his eyes watching him critically as he washes the dishes. "Nice technique."

"Oh? This?" he laughs. "It's nothing. I just try to wash away my sins while I'm at it and my knuckles just suddenly become red!"

"You have a shit ton of problems."

"Yep," Eren shoots him a sweet smile. "But doesn't everyone?"

Levi stares at him, an unreadable emotion in his eyes. And Eren's suddenly scared. He can't breathe. The moment passes quickly and as Levi leaves he's left with an all-encompassing feeling of dread.

 _What just happened? Everything was fine a moment ago. What. Happened?_ he thinks, hands shaking in the dishwater. _What did I do wrong? Why did he look at me like that? Why did he look at me like that? Why did he look at me like that? Why_ ** _he_** _didhelookat_ ** _knows_** _melike_ ** _he_** _thatwhy_ ** _knows_** _didhelook_ ** _he_** _atmelikethat_ ** _knows_** _whydid_ ** _he_** _helookatmelike_ ** _knows_** _thatwhy_ ** _he_** _didhelook_ ** _knows_** _atme_ ** _he_** _likethatwhy_ ** _knows_** _didhelook_ ** _he_** _atmelikethatwhy_ ** _knows_** _didhelook_ ** _he_** _atme_ ** _knows_** _likethat_ ** _he_** _why_ ** _knows_** _didhelook_ ** _he_** _atme_ ** _knows_** _likethat?_

The panic starts out as paper, something his fingers can dig breathing holes in. In a second, it's a deluge of ice water freezing his limbs, rising up to his nose and mouth.

He's drowning.

Tension grows in his limbs, tightening with the beat of his heart. His breathing becomes more rapid, shallow. His thoughts are accelerating in his head. Eren wants them to stop so he can breathe but they only get faster. And his breathing only becomes more labored. He stumbles out of the kitchen, the ground spinning in and out of focus. At one point, he thought he was sinking and giggled hysterically at the thought. He has no direction and ends up in the stables. It's too much. His breathing is coming in gasps and he feels like he'll black out. In an attempt to make everything slow down, he squats on the floor. The spinning worsens, he feels sick. He wants to call for help. Doesn't know who to call, too far away, gone, never coming back, _knows._ His heart is beating against his rib cage, galloping like a rabbit running for its life. Blackness. Flashes of white. Red, hot and sticky. _What's my name? Where is he? Help me. Helpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpme. Where is he? What's my name? It's dark. I can't see. I can't see. I can't see. I can't see. Can't see. What's my name? Can'tseecan'tseecan'tseecan'tseecan'tseeit'sdarkit'sdarkit'sdarkdarkdarkdarkdarkcan'tseeIcan'tsee_.

Suddenly, he's talking. Talking like he doesn't have enough time for all the things he wants to say. What he needs to say. And his words trail off and some are missing. And his sentences are fractured and have no order. His thoughts jump around in his haste to speak. "I'm fucked. I'm so fucked. I'mfuckedI'mfuckedI'mfucked. I'm so fucked. I can't. Ican't, Ican'tIcan'tIcan't, can't, can't, can't. I can't see. What's my name? He's gone. He's gone, he's gone, he's gone. Gone, gone, gone. What's my name? Tiredtiredtiredtired. So tired. Can I sleep? I'm scared to sleep. Scaredscaredscaredscared. Always scared. I lovelovelovelove. Love him, love him, lovehimlovehim. Need him. Helpmehelpmehelpme. Can I love? Lovelovelove. I am a born coward. Coward, coward. _Coward. Help me_ _._ "

He stops as abruptly as he started. His face is wet. _Scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch._ His ears are ringing. Eren's tired. His limbs aching in their shakes, lungs burning in their stutters. An invisible hand closes over his mouth, caressing his throat. It squeezes and his breath leaves him completely. _Scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch._

He's trapped in this defenseless state for what feels like hours. It was, in reality, mere minutes. He's sick. Waves of nausea add to his misery, his exhaustion almost preventing him from pivoting his hips just right to keep his sick off of his body. It still gets on his uniform. His stomach lurches and gurgles, pitifully. He's sick. It leaves his lips and splashes onto the floor of the stables, thick and rancid. He gags, dry heaving. Pain throbs violently in his skull. It feels like it's about to crack open. He's helpless in his cage of pain.

Useless.

Eren screams into his arm. His eyes have no more tears to shed. _Scritch scratch scritch scratch._ The whirlwind of thoughts have finally calmed down and he can breathe properly. The air feels good and he gasps raggedly, wetly. Snot, spit, and tears making his face shine. He's disgusted. He wipes his face on his uniform, violently. Limbs still shaky and weak, he stumbles when he stands. _Scritch scratch._ He's dirty, filthy. He takes small steps, unsure of his own body that suddenly feels too big. _Too much,_ a voice whispers. Eren ignores it. He has to clean up. Has to. Levi.

Eren makes it to his room with scraped knees and a few new bruises. His ribs, in particular, took quite a beating from the last fall _._ They throb dully. _Filthy,_ he peels off his vomit-stained clothes. His eye catches the mirror. _Disgusting,_ he thought, eyeing his caramel skin. Scarred. Undesirable. Scars line his chest, arms, hands, sides, thighs, legs, and feet. He's ugly. Bruises line his sides, big angry blotches of purple and blue. Some yellowing. Ugly. His face is, perhaps, the worst. His eyes have deep bags underneath them, the once vibrant mix of blue and green dull. They're narrowed, a line of stress on them. And his lips that used to be plump are bloodied from his teeth. And cheeks that used to be round are now angular. A few grey hairs mar his chocolate-colored locks. _Scritch._ He's so ugly. _Scratch._ Absolutely repulsive.

He climbs into the tub, uncaring of the cold water. And Eren scrubs. He scrubs and scrubs and scrubs and scrubs and scrubs. He scrubs until he's opened old wounds and the water is running pink with blood. His lips taste of copper. He's doesn't bother drying off nor dressing. Eren climbs into his bed, blood seeping little spots into the sheets. His world fades away. He, however, does not. Instead, Eren is plagued by nightmare after nightmare. Memory after memory. Death after death. Never ending.

It's a relief when someone knocks on his door. His exhaustion is still fresh but the clothes on the ground are not. He throws them in the hamper and throws on his spare uniform. Having more than one is extremely handy. Finally, he's ready to address the person at the door. It's Hange. He opens the door, rubbing his forehead. It feels like it's splitting in two. "What?"

"Hey! Eren, how are you feeling? You've been gone for two hours," they smile at him, one hand reaching out to touch his arm. He shifts out of their reach, skin crawling. "Do you want to help me with my experiments?"

"On your test subjects?" the light from the hallway pierces into his brain, he squints. "Why not? Lead the way."

Anything to distract him.

Anything at all.

Hange rambles excitedly about their latest theories and research. Eren listens with half an ear, his eyelid feel impossibly heavy. Everything is a bit muted, faint and empty. He's underwater. Panicked gasps bring him back to the present and for a second he thinks it's coming from him. It's not. It's Moblit. Hange's assistant. He's frantic. "Hange, the test subjects! They're dead!"

"What?" Hange stares at him for a moment. Incredulous. "What?"

"What time is it?" Eren mutters and he knows he's being rude. "Mikasa and Armin should be here soon. I don't want to miss them. Can I go?"

Hange seems surprised that he's being so quiet. They nod, dumbly. "Yes, of course. There's nothing for you to help with anymore," they turn to Moblit, eyes hard. "Walk and talk! Let's go!"

Eren watches with blank eyes. He walks to the courtyard, taking his time. Armin and Mikasa are already there. As are the others. "Mikasa! Armin!" he calls as he runs up. He notices something odd. "Huh. You lived."

"What did you say?" Jean hisses. Eren wasn't talking to him, though. He was talking to Marco. "You surprised I lived?"

"That's exactly what I implied," he says, dryly. "Use your brain, Jeanbo. It's there for a reason."

"You okay, Eren? They haven't harmed you, have they?" Mikasa interrupts, her eyes full of worry. Eren scoffs and flicks her in the head.

"Of course not, 'Kasa. I'm part of Squad Levi now. I'm practically untouchable," he giggles. "Though, most of them don't like me."

"What did they do? I'll kill that midget," she hisses. Armin frowns at her.

"Mikasa, calm down. He hasn't said why yet."

"Thank you, Ar. Our little voice of reason. Without you, there'd be anarchy," Armin giggles and Eren feels some of the leftover tension leave him. Family always did make him feel better. "Oluo is an ass to everyone. Oh, did you hear? The titan test subjects ate dead."

"Yeah, we did. The soldiers on duty saw the culprit escape," Armin nods. "We don't know who it was but, apparently, they used ODM to escape. We looked into it, to see if anyone had used ODM gear without permission. We've found no evidence."

"Odd," Eren hums ad Sasha and Conny come running up. He nods at them with a small smile. He taps his fingers together, thoughtfully. "They could've used a dead soldiers gear, right? Did Annie go to the Military Police?"

"What the hell, Eren? Those are two completely different questions!" Jean complains. Eren levels him with a glare.

"Questions that I would like answers to," he smiles. "So? Anyone want to share with the class?"

"Annie joined," Conny replies, helpfully. Eren claps his hands.

"So, she is now a suspect!"

Jean sputters. "That doesn't make any sense!"

"Doesn't it, though?" Armin cuts in. "When we looked over everyone's gear, her's wasn't the same. She said she had damaged hers and taken someone else's to survive," he frowns. "That doesn't explain what motive she had nor does it prove it."

Eren shrugs. "We'll figure it out. And by we, I mean you," he shoots Armin a couple of finger guns and thumb ups. "You got this."

"Our lives and the lives of all of humanity hang in the balance. Let's hope this all ends soon," Jeans sighs. Marco puts a hand on his shoulder, offering the ash-haired boy a small smile.

"I'm sure everything will work out fine."

_I hate that word._

_~~~_

Preparations for the 57th expedition began immediately after that and they're ready. Eren's not. He wants to talk with Levi. They'd barely said a word to each other in the month spent planning. It felt too early in their relationship if you could even call it that, for this. Eren hates it. Levi won't even look at him. Eren hates it.

He _knows._ Knows what? 

"Offer up your hearts," a man screams in front of him. "Today humanity will take a step forward! Show us what you can do!"

The soldiers can't salute while on their horses. They cry out, instead. "Yes, sir!"

He's not ready.

"Open up the gates!"

_No, please. Don't._

The gates raise slowly. Erwin raises his sword with it.

_I can't. Ican'tIcan'tIcan't._

"Begin the 57th expedition!" he yells, his voice carrying over the houses. "Advance."

_I'm not ready._

They advance.

The horse's footsteps are like thunder to him, loud and foreboding. The wind whipping at his clothes and hair, biting into his skin. A warning. He doesn't want to. It's also freeing, it always is. He'll never get tired of it. The feeling of being completely and utterly free. He carves it. It's why he still fights.

They're miles away from the Wall now and Eren's becoming paranoid. _Where's Annie?_

"There are a lot of graduates on this expedition," he muses to distract himself. "Isn't that a bad idea?"

"Huh? You shouldn't be on an expedition if you can't pull your own weight-" Oluo, once again, whimpers in pain as his own teeth slice into his tongue. Eren snickers.

"It's fine, Eren. Keep it together. We're about to go into the long distance enemy scouting formation as planned," Gunther says, raising his voice over the wind. "Combat can be avoided but may be necessary. Stay alert. Don't break formation!"

Eren scoff under his breath. "I already knew that."

If Gunther hears him, he doesn't let it get to him. Eren respects that. He also wants to pester the man until he snaps. He'll save that for after the expedition. If the man lives anyhow. Eren knows he won't because Eren's not going to save him. He's not going to save any of them except those he loves. Armin, Mikasa, and Levi. The people he can't live without. _Speaking of_ _Armin_ _,_ he looks in the direction of where his blond friend went. Where the bloom of black smoke should appear. _There it is._

"Abnormal spotted!" he yells, grinning widely. He even throws his head back and laughs. Laugh and laughs and laughs. "It's probably on its way here, right now!"

"I knew you made a bad choice, Captain!" Oluo shouts, eyeing Eren warily. "He's cracking!"

"Shut up! Do not question me! He's the best of the best, Oluo. I'd do well to remember that if I were you," Levi shouts, his voice stern. "Keep an eye out for that abnormal. Head into the trees for cover. Don't engage unless you have to."

"Alrighty then," Eren giggles, eyes alight with excitement and fear. "C'mon, Annie. I'm going to rip you to pieces."

He starts to feel the vibrations of her footsteps and he growls. Levi looks back at him. His eyes widen at the completely feral grin on Eren's face. It doesn't look human. "How far?"

"Not far at all, Levi. Not far at all," as he says this, she comes into sight. Gaining on them quickly. Eren snorts. She speeds up and, suddenly, she's on top of them.

"A female titan? What the fuck? No, not the time. We have to get rid of her! You know what to do!" Levi orders, already in the air. 

"Yes, sir!" Squad Levi follows and they fight valiantly. 

It doesn't do them much good. 

When Levi hurts his ankle and Eren swoops in to save him, it all goes to hell. Annie commits the same crime as she always does. Eren's numb to it. Levi, however, is not. He doesn't react but Eren can _feel_ his hurt. He kisses the man on the forehead and smiles. "Let's fuck her up, okay?"

The dark-haired man nods and together they rip her apart. Hot blood sprays everywhere, soaking their clothes and hair. Eren loves it. He laughs at the feeling of it on his skin. Hot and sticky, warm and familiar. He's especially excited about Annie being human. He hasn't taken a human life in years and he's missed it. Missed the feeling of his teeth sinking into their flesh, the feeble struggles, the choking cries. He craves it now. 

Eren's always been weak to temptation. He gives in. 

Of course, he makes sure Levi doesn't see her body nor see him. And it's oh so satisfying to watch her eyes snap open from his seat on her waist. He's never seen her look so afraid. He's never seen her be much of anything. He feels her swallow from where his hand is on her throat. He taps it with his index finger. "Be quiet, okay? I'd hate for Levi to hear," he pushes harder on her throat. Her heart is hammering. Drool pools in his mouth. He moves his hand to cover her mouth. "Don't struggle too much, okay?"

Her scream is muffled by his hand. She kicks and thrashes in his hold when he leans in. His teeth just barely graze her neck when she seems to regain her strength. She kicks him off and he laughs. With a lunge, he's on her again. He catches her by the hand and, in his greed, brings it up to his mouth and bites. Hard. _Crunch. Pop_. She bites her lip, blood trickling down her chin, to keep from screaming. Two fingers go down his throat, tasting of the apricots his mother used to cut up for him. She rips her hand from him and runs off, clutching her wounded hand to her chest. Eren watches her go with blood on his lips and fingers. He licks it away as he heads back. Levi looks up when he walks back into the clearing. "Eren?"

"Yeah," he doesn't expect Levi to hug him. "What's this about?"

"I'm sorry," Levi mumbles, his eyes blank. "For avoiding you."

Eren laughs. "It's fine. I'm used to it. Apparently, I'm exhausting to deal with."

Levi hums, fingers digging into his back. "You are but it's worth it."

"Levi," Eren breathes, hand cupping Levi's cheek. Being mindful of his blood-coated tongue, he kisses everywhere but the man's mouth. "As much as I'd like to continue this talk, now's not the time."

Levi nods and releases him. He gives his deceased team one last look before leaving. Eren hides his grin from him. Levi won't appreciate it, at all. 

~~~

The journey back to the Walls is worse than the journey away from the Walls. Eren despises it. They give him a taste of freedom, then they throw him back in his cage. He hates it so much. Levi's quiet. He hasn't spoken since they left the forest. That's fine. A lot happened. Eren's tired too. But, then again, he's always tired.

"Eren!" Hange waves him over. His horse trots over slowly. They're grinning from ear to ear. "Can I ask questions now?"

"Sure," he laughs. Hange squeals in delight.

"Did you confess? Or did you just go for it? Do you like him? Oh! Do you love him? Does he return your feelings? Tell me!" they whine like a child. Eren sighs and tilts his head back.

"I didn't confess. I want to, though. I want him to know that I love him," he speaks softly. "I doubt he'll return my feelings."

Hange snorts. "Oh, Eren. Levi has never been so taken with someone before or at all! You're special."

"Sure," his mind flashes to the loops that he desperately tries to suppress. His smile becomes strained and he looks at his hands which, hold the reigns in a death grip. And he thinks. He's special in the worst way.

The rest of the journey back to the Walls is quiet, only the occasional titan here and there. The aftertaste of blood coats his mouth in a thin layer of sugar. His stomach is full. His blood is pulsing hard and fast in his veins. He's content. But Levi won't _look at him._ Eren tries to ignore it, push it out of his mind. But, still, the thought pesters him. Haunts him. He ignores it. It becomes white noise. _Scritch scratch_. Loud, blaring white noise in the back of his head that he has to yell over. He's fine. Everything's fine. Fine, fine, fine.

A crowd has gathered to watch them return just as they gather to watch them leave. Instead of whispers and seething glares, there's cheers and whoops of joy. Only one hundred casualties in the thousands that went out. Practically unheard of. Children scream and laugh, bragging about how they're going to join the Survey Corps one day. Men and woman alike cry, clutching their children close as they sob. Finally, there's hope. Finally, they have a chance to win this miserable one-sided war. Finally, freedom isn't a fleeting thought or fantasy, but a sure goal.

Eren can taste it in the air. Humanity's winning. And, damn does it feel good.

Levi still won't look at him. His eyes are empty, dead in a way that angers Eren. Reminds him of his own eyes. He hates it. _Scritch scratch._ No matter, Levi will speak to him when he's ready. _Won't he? Scritch scratch he knows. Scritch scratch._

They arrive at the castle in less than four hours. It would've been longer, had Wall Maria been secured. Eren knows that it will be years before they reclaim it. He knows they will reclaim it. He's lived it before.

The stables have crowed, he's in and out. He hates crowded places. Too much, too much. Mikasa and Armin meet him in the mess hall. He smiles at them. Armin looks thoughtful and a little uncertain.

"Eren? You know, you're theory about Annie?" the blond asks, worrying his hands together restlessly. Eren nods. "I think that you may be right."

"Oh yeah?" Eren grins. Armin nods. "Tell me your genius thoughts!"

Armin blushes. "It doesn't explain the motive behind the test subjects murder. But, if she were a titan and set on sabotaging out efforts it adds up. The resemblance between them is also remarkably similar. Almost identical, apart from the missing skin. We should take this to Erwin."

"Tomorrow," Eren says, hugging them both. "We'll do it tomorrow."

"That would be best. Everyone's exhausted," Armin agrees, easily.

"Get some rest, Eren," Mikasa demands. "Real rest, okay? You need it."

Eren agrees, knowing that he won't. They leave, heading to their rooms. Eren cleans up and goes to Levi's. He's waited for weeks. He's done with that now. He needs answers. The walk is short and he only has to stop twice to answer fellow soldier's questions. His nerves are shot by the time he reaches Levi's door and his hands are shaking. He knocks despite his fear. There's no answer. He enters and what he sees saddens him. Levi's in his chair, clutching at his hair. This normally wouldn't be surprising. It's the shaking of his shoulders that give him away. The soft sniffles and gasps.

Eren knows them too well.

He rushes to Levi's side and holds him through it. Humming his mother's lullaby. Levi's sobs quiet and Eren turns his head up to look at him. His eyes are rimmed with red, puffy, with tears wetting his cheeks. He still managed to be beautiful. The next thing Eren knew, the man's slammed his lips to his. Eren hardly has time to react before he's pressing his tongue to the seam of his lips and delving inside his lips. It's a very sloppy kiss full of tongue and teeth and the intermingling of their billowing breaths. Eren's arms reach up of their own accord and tangle around his neck and into his raven hair. In an instant, he's pulled away and arched up into Levi's broad chest, moaning in the contact of body heat against his own, before kissing him again.

Levi breathes harshly against his lips and hooks his hands under his thighs, picking him up only to dump him into his bed. Eren gasps, lips swollen and wet with spit. Levi looks at him hungrily, eyes raking up and down his form. Eren lies on his back and opens his legs which, Levi quickly fills. And then he's kissing him senseless again. And, suddenly, Eren's straps are undone as are his jeans. His jacket and shirt are thrown on the floor, leaving him in his underwear. And Levi's in a similar state. No words are exchanged. They're unneeded. Then, Levi's hands are on his thighs and his mouth is on his neck. Eren's shaking. It feels too fast, too fast. But he doesn't want to stop. Goddess, he doesn't want to stop.

There's a click and then Levi's fingers are circling his entrance. They're cold and slick. Eren shivers, moaning into his hand. His head pushes against the pillows when Levu eases a finger inside. It passes in a blur, a haze of pleasure. And before he knows it, Levi's inside him. Changing his breathing with every thrust, hearing his moans tied to his body. Levi's kissing and licking, fingernails piercing the skin on his hips. Red crescent shapes are left behind. Eren's toes curl and dig into the bed. He moans at every thrust, rocking his hips, and all he can see is Levi. And his fingers hurry to trace each line, each scar on his body. His fingers caress Levi's skin as if afraid more pressure would shatter this reality. Suddenly, he pulls Levi into a hard kiss that has an intense rawness to it. And when his world explodes into white, Eren can feel the tears rolling down his cheeks, can hear the moan mixed with sobs. And he's _happy_.

~~~

The next morning his lower half aches and he's covered in more bruises. To him, these are pretty. Levi gave them to him. Eren likes the fingerprints on his hips the most, though the hickeys on his neck and jaw are a close second. He rolls over in the soiled sheets, Levi's already gone. Eren's a bit hurt but knows that the man might need some time. _How much time?_ a voice whispers. _How long will he avoid you and use you?_ Eren scoffs and ignores the voice. The very thought of Levi using him is absurd. Levi would never do that to anyone. He's much too softhearted despite what his personality suggests.

Eren sighs and swings his legs over the bed, his feet slapping into the cold floor. The pain in his bottom flares up when he stands and he walks with a limp as he gathers his clothes and slips into the bathroom. He takes a quick bath, saddened to see the physical remnants of the night leave. When he's dressed, he takes Levi's sheets and replaces them. He folds the soiled ones and sets them in Levi's hamper. He hopes the dark-haired man will appreciate his efforts. He giggles at the thought of Levi taking him again. He feels like a schoolgirl with a crush.

Eren leaves the room with one last parting glance and goes to get Armin and Mikasa. He hasn't forgotten about the discussion they had the day beforehand. It needs to be addressed immediately.

It's time to take this up the brass. It's time to go to Erwin.

Armin and Mikasa are in the mess hall, eating their breakfast when Eren finds them. He huffs when he spots them, eyes automatically searching for Levi. The short man nowhere to be found. He goes to sit with Mikasa and Armin. "Are you ready? I feel like a spy. Oh, this is so exciting!"

"Yes, we're ready," Armin eyes widen at the sight of him. He composes himself quickly and smiles at him. "We'll go now, actually."

They put their plates in the dishwater and Mikasa attacks him after. "Eren, are you okay? Why are you limping? Did someone hurt you? Why are the bruises on your face? Whi did this? I'll kill them."

"They're not bruises, 'Kasa. They're hickeys," she gapes at him while Armin laughs. He giggles. "I got laid last night."

"Oh," she says, her face blank. "I'm going to kill that midget."

Armin laughs harder. "No, you're not. As long as Eren's happy, I don't see anything wrong with their relationship."

"As long as he can get it up," Eren says, grinning widely. Mikasa smacks him on the arm.

"I don't know if this is a good idea," she exhales through her nose.  "But I'll support you."

"Good, let's get down to business to defeat Annie," Eren laughs and they hurry to Erwin's office. The door is big and grand. Probably made of mahogany. He knocks.

"Come in."

"Hello, Commander Smith!" he says as he strolls in, Armin and Mikasa close behind him. "We have important information that could possibly prevent the extinction of humanity," he pauses at Erwin's raised brow. "Well, it won't solve the titan problem. Hmm, I could've worded that better."

Erwin laughs, deep-bellied and heartily. "Well, then. Take a seat and do tell."

"Don't mock me. I _will_ shave your eyebrows, then you'll be powerless," Eren hisses, sitting down gingerly. Armin snickers and Mikasa hides her smirk behind her scarf. They sit next to him, one having to pull up an extra chair. "Armin, if you will?"

"Right," the small blond inhales deeply. "We believe that the abnormal we spotted during the expedition was actually a human."

"Go on," Erwin's eyes harden, going from playful to serious in a second.

"Well, we have a suspect for both that and the test subjects murder. Annie Leonhart. It all connects if she were trying to sabotage our efforts. In the ODM check, she had a deceased soldier's gear, not her own. Not to mention, the alarming resemblance between her and the titan," Armin pauses. "The female titan showed remarkable intelligence and, when I was on the ground, pulled my hood off to check my face. The eyes had the same look as Annie's and I knew that she had recognized me. She left me alone. She was looking for someone."

Erwin's face hardens even more if that's possible, and when he speaks again his voice is full of authority. "None of that leaves this room. I will, of course, inform Levi. He'll be with me while you two execute the plan."

"The plan?" Mikasa asks. Erwin smirks and folds his hands under his chin, leaning in. 

"Yes, of course. You three will be falsely accused of treason and will need someone to sneak you out. Who better than Annie?" he smiles but it's cold. "You'll convince her to come with you and lead her into a tunnel. If she doesn't enter the tunnel, shoot a sound grenade. We'll attack and take her in for," he pauses. "Questioning."

"Armin will obviously do the convincing part," Eren says, patting Armin on the head.

"Alright," Erwin agrees easily. "I'll summon you when preparations are done. Dismissed."

Eren gets up to leave, hiding a wince as he does. Mikasa and Armin follow after saying goodbye to Erwin, politely. Erwin waves them oft and Eren finds himself rethinking his opinion of the man.

"Now, we wait," Eren says through a yawn.

"Let's train until then," Mikasa suggests. "We need to be at our best."

"Good thinking," Armin compliments and they start walking to the training courses. On the way, Eren bumps into someone coming out of the kitchen. He looks up and a smile breaks out on his face immediately.

"Levi!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of stuff happens, I know. Eren's having a lot of breakdowns, Levi's avoiding him, and Annie? Also, the smut. I was so uncomfortable while writing it and while it may seem a little too early, it's necessary. It's not very graphic though lol. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! It's longer than the last one, 6848 words in all. Again, I hope you enjoyed it. Comments fuel me so, do that please. You know. The comment thing.


	10. cent trente-neuf(six)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot happens. Some good, some bad. But mostly good. Also, Annie!

 

Eren expects Levi to answer him, to smirk like he always does and make a crude joke. There's no doubt in his mind that his little dance of avoidance is done and over with. He wasn't prepared for rejection. He wasn't prepared for Levi to look _through_ him and not at him. He wasn't prepared for Levi to brush past him without a word. He wasn't prepared for Levi to ignore his very existence. He wasn't prepared for it to hurt so much.

Goddess, it _hurts_.

And he's left standing in the hallway, his friends flanking his sides, his eyes wide. His chest starts to burn, he can't breathe. He ignores the stinging in his eyes. "You need more time?" he calls after Levi's retreating form. "That's okay. It's okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I can wait."

Levi hesitates for a fraction of a second, foot hovering over the ground, before he continues walking as if nothing had happened. Eren feels like someone has just shoved splinters under his nails and into his fingers. He feels like ants are slowing eating away at his skin, crawling and wriggling inside his open wounds. He feels like he's drowning in a lake of poison, bitter and toxic sweetness killing him slowly.

Eren _feels_.

And he's left with an empty chest, lungs and heart absent. He's dying. He's dying. He's dying. He'sdying he'sdyinghe'sdyinghe'sdyinghe'sdyinghe'sdying. Dying, dying, dying. _Die._

"Eren, let's go," Armin tugs on his sleeve and Eren turns to look at him so fast that the blond flinches. Eren stares at him, eyes empty. 

"Eren? What's wrong?" and it's Mikasa eyes - _pretty, charcoal eyes, no, grey, dead eyes_ \- that bring him back. And his throat feels like shards of ice are stuck inside of it. And his lungs and heart burn with a ferocity Eren has only met twice. And he's cold. So cold, cold, cold. Mikasa takes his hand in hers and he smiles.

"I'm fine," the lie rolls off of his tongue easily, like honey dripping off a spoon. Sickly sweet and oh so tantalizing. And how he hates that word. _Fine._ No, he's not fine. He's not fine, he's never been fine. Nothing's ever fine. And the migraine has come back with a vengeance and _he's not fine._ "You guys go on ahead. I'll catch up."

He's already half way down the hall when he hears their protests. He ignores it, like he ignores the screaming in his mind. He sees a familiar figure is round a corner directly in front of him and Eren wonders what Levi is doing. _What is so important that he ignored me? Or is there nothing? Does he hate me? Does he know? Does he know?_ thoughts are moving too fast for him to grasp them completely. But that doesn't matter. Levi has just entered Hange's room. _What is he doing? Cleaning? What's more important than me? Am I not important? Does he think that I'm useless? A waste? Only good for a lay? Levi, Levi, Levi. Help me._

He sits beside the door, the walls plenty thin enough for him to hear the conversation occurring between the two soldiers. Levi speaks first and, when he does, his voice is ragged and broken. "I fucked up, Hange. I fucked up big time."

"What did you do?" Hange, their voice as giddy and bubbly as ever. 

"I slept with Eren," there's a pregnant pause after Levi reveals that - _very personal -_ information. Hange's voice is intrigued but cautious.

"And that's a bad thing?"

Levi sighs again and Eren's heart clenches at the sound of it. "Yes. Yes, I'm twice his fucking age! I fucked a fifteen year old child, Hange! A _child!_ "

"Age of consent is fourteen, Levi. You've done nothing wrong," Hange says, sternly. Eren bites his lip and worries it between his teeth.

"Bullshit!" a loud bang. "I've been leading this kid on since day one! All because I can't let that case go!"

"The case you took three years ago? The mauler case?" Hange sounds surprised. "Do you suspect Eren?"

"Yes."

_He knows._

"Why?"

_H_ _eknowshe_ _ **he'l**_ _ **l**_ _knowsheknows_ _ **never**_ _heknowsheknowshe_ _ **love**_ _knowsheknowshe_ _ **you**_ _knows_.

"When I first saw him in the market place, it wasn't pretty. This kid is fucked up, always has been."

_How_ _**poor**  d_ _doesheknow_ _**eren** _ _how_ _**jaeger** _ _doesheknow_ _**always** _ _howdoesheknowhe_ _**alone** _ _howdoesheknow_ _**pathetic** _ _howdoesheknow._

"What do you mean? What was he doing?"

_How_ **_he_ ** _howhow_ **_hates_ ** _howhow_ **_you_ ** _howhow_ **_you're_ ** _howhowhow_ **_stained_ ** _howhowhow_ **_tainted_ ** _howhowhowhow?_

"He was mumbling to himself. Talking to himself about blood and the noise. It was freaky."

_Heknowsh_ **_can't_ ** _eknowshe_ **_even_ ** _knowshe_ **_keep_ ** _knows_ **_a_ ** _heknowshe_ **_secret_ ** _knows._

"Why didn't you bring him in then?"

_Whywhy_ **_you_ ** _whywhywhy_ **_are_ ** _whywhywhywhy_ **_useless_ ** _why_ **_you_ ** _whywhywhy_ **_are_ ** _whywhywhy_ **_worthless_ ** _whywhywhy?_

 

"I didn't have any evidence, Hange!" Levi's annoyed shout clears his head, casting the demons back into their darkness. Eren's cold. 

"You don't have any evidence now, either. Hmm," Hange hums, thoughtfully. "You've been leading him on for this? Eren's a good kid, despite your suspicions, and, honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself. He's in love with you," Hange has never sounded so angry before. "That boy loves you more than anything, you can't deny it. I know that you've seen it."

Levi sighs. Eren aches. "I know, Hange. I'm a piece of shit. I'm sorry. I just can't look at him," he's whispering now but Eren can hear him as clearly as he can taste blood in his mouth. "I.... care for him, really I do. More than I should, in fact."

"Then what's the problem?" their voice is soft now, soothing. Eren weeps, silently. _Mother, oh mother, when can I see you again?_

"I'm scared," Levi says it softly, barely audible through the walls. 

Eren hears him and he cries harder. He zones out, too caught up in his own mind. And he hurts. _Too much, too fast, too bright, toomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuch. It's tight, tight, tightlungsandribs, it's hurting me. Why, oh why? Mother, why did you die? Die? Can I die? Father? Are you alive? Die, die, die, die. Can'tbreathe. It hurts to breathe. Tight, tight, tight. Burn, burning, burning, burning. Fire is hothothot. Am I on fire? What's my name? Mother? Explain it to me. Why do I hurt?_

There's a sharp intake of breath and Eren breathes. He breathes in deep, great gasps of air. And he revels in the heavy and light feeling of his body. Levi is in front of him and he's pulling Eren's hands away from his teeth. His nails are jagged and his fingertips are bloody and raw. His tongue is uncooperative, blood thick on his lips. He can barely speak, his words slurred and incomprehensible. "Help, help, help me. Can't breathe, help me. Too much, too much. Mother, I miss you. What's my name?"

"Fuck, Eren. Are you okay? Eren, answer me. Tell me what's wrong!" cold fingers grip his chin and the world spins. He can't breathe. "Hange!"

There's the pitter patter of footsteps and a gasp. "What happened? Eren?"

"Can't help you, can't help me. I hurt, I hurt, I hurt. Pain, pain go away. I can't breathe," he's wheezing, his whispers painful in his throat. Their broken edges are digging into his throat. He tastes blood. The world spins.

"I don't know what happened. He was like this when I found him," Levi shakes him. Eren thinks he's beautiful. "Fuck! What do we do?"

"I don't know! I don't have any sedatives on hand. There's nothing I can do," their voice fades like the reason in his mind does, over and over and over again. And he giggles hysterically when hands shake him, trying to bring him back down to earth. And he can't. His mind is too far gone. Caught in its nightmares and there's no way out. "I'm... I'm sorry. Just try to calm him down."

"Calm him?" Levi's voice echoes, his eyes pick up flashes of purple and green. "He's unresponsive, Hange. How do I do that?"

Hange's voice lowers, trickling like a stream. "I don't know, Levi. I don't know."

There's silence and it chokes Eren, he can't breathe. Then, hands are in his hair, stroking his cheeks, and lips are on his and they taste like wine. And _Levi._ And Eren needs it like he needs air. But he can't have it. It's not real, not real, not real, real, real, real. He hurts, hurts, hurts. And he's crying, crying, crying. He pulls away from the toxic kisses. "Levi?" he whispers his name like a dumb man speaking for the first time, slurred and full of wonder. "Why are you hurting me?"

And there's a choked gasp. "Eren, I didn't mean to! Wait! Fuck, Eren, wait!" But he's already turning around the corner and he's too busy running. 

Running, running, running. He's always running. _Scritch scratch, run run run as fast as you can. I'll always catch you, I'm inside your head._ And no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no. He knows. He knows that he can't escape himself. Yet, still, he runs because he's run out of options so he might as well. And every step hurts, rocks his bones and rattles his mind. But he has to run. _Scritch scratch, are we playing hide and seek?_ He can't breathe. And he gasps as he collapses into his room, falling onto the floor. His eyes empty and his mind is screaming. And, suddenly, he's alone. The freshly made bed mocks him and he can't help the rage that fills him. And then he's kicking and snarling and ripping and punching and his room is the epitome of chaos. He revels in it. And when his eyes catch sight of metal glinting in the candle light, he giggles. A razor, just what he needed. He picks it up and smiles when he's stricken by the sudden need to shred his flesh with it.

He gives in. _You're pathetic, you know? So stupid, so useless. You try so hard but you never accomplish anything. It's funny, really. Or is it sad?_

There's bleeding lines on his wrists and as he stares at them, he notices that they don't sting nor burn. There is no pain. Even the swirling storm in his mind and chest have calmed. And he can breathe. He sucks in deep, great lungfulls of air. The pleasure in breathing making him dizzy and loose. He stumbles into his bathroom, hand dripping blood from where it grips the razor. The mirror reveals a strange figure. A boy with dead eyes and a wide smile. A boy with sharp teeth and bloody lips. A boy with scarred wrists and twitching fingers. A boy with mussed up hair and hickey stained skin. And he hates it. He hates that it's him. He hates the hickeys on his neck and jaw, marking him as Levi's. He hates that he both is and isn't Levi's. Eren hates how the dark red blooms contrast with his caramel skin, hates that they mock him. Hates that they'll inevitably disappear. They already are. And he drops the razor, letting it clatter to the floor, and brings shaking fingers up to his throat. They graze at his skin tentatively, leaving red trails in their wake. And he traces the red marks lovingly, his face flushing at the fresh memories. Then he presses down on them, ensuring their stay on his skin. He presses - _and presses and presses and presses and presses_ \- until his skin aches and his vision is filled with black spots. Only then does he let up and remove his fingers. Only then does he turn away from the mirror, throw away the razor, and clean up his room.

Only then does he allow himself to cry. To grieve. To truly grieve.

And it's the silence that gets to him. It's the sound it leaves around him. It's space, a living, breathing thing. The song he sings before screaming. And he cries in it. Cries until he has no more tears to shed and he's too exhausted to move. Yet, he still falls asleep with thoughts of Levi in his mind.

He can't escape. He's never tried and he knows he never will.

~~~

_His mother screams for him to stop but he can't. The blood is too thick for him to move. His hands are stuck in their ritual. Stab, stab, stab. His father's eyes are now bloody, gore-filled holes. An improvement, in his opinion. Apparently, his mother doesn't think so. Neither does his Mikasa. That's fine, though. He'll make them see._

_"Why?" Mikasa whispers from her corner. Blood is on her face, staining her scarf. Eren feels a grin stretch his lips unnaturally wide._ _She's never been more beautiful._

_"I need to, 'Kasa. I have to," he sighs. "There's no point. We'll die today, anyway. So, why not I do it?"_

_His mother chokes on her tongue, her sobs quiet. Mikasa speaks once more. "What do you mean?"_

_"The titans," he whispers, his fingers resting on his lips. "They're coming."_

_"Stop this, Eren. Stop this," his mother finds her voice, forcing words through her quivering lips. Her eyes are wide with fear. "We'll forget all about this, put it behind us, if you will just stop this."_

_"Oh, mother," he tsks as if talking to a child. "I can't do that."_

_She flinches away from his touch as he pats her hair. His chest stings. He raises the knife above his head. She looks up at him, her eyes sad. "Why?"_

_He answers her with a smile. "Because I love you," and the knife sinks into her chest with a dull thud of her bones splitting. And she chokes, blood trickling down her chin. And he laughs, laughs, laughs. And Mikasa's crying, crying, crying._

_"I hate you!" Mikasa screams when her body is cold and her blood dry. Eren lets the sick smell of decay overwhelm him. He smiles and sits down next to her, the knife in his hand glinting red. He raises it to his throat and giggles._

_"And I love you."_

_And with one swipe, he's gone, her screams echoing in his ears._

_~~~_

When he wakes, he jerks. His movements are limited, his legs and arms caught in his blankets. He can't breathe. He's choking, suffocating. He can't breathe. And he giggles when he has pushed the covers away from his body and he's alone in the whites of his bed sheets. And his mind wanders to dark, dark places. It always does. And the nightmares that haunt him swim before his eyes. No, they're not nightmares. They're memories. Horrible, terrible memories that he wants to forget. He can't forget, though. That's a privilege a monster like him can't afford. 

He wonders, what would his body look like if it bore the - _dirty, dirty_ \- crimes of his mind? Surely, his wrists would bleed straight lines, his throat purple and blue, his chest caved in, his torso full of bones, and his legs splintered. Surely, he'd be hideous. As ugly as his damned soul. Eren longs for that reality. For his body to reflect his nature. Though, it already does. In a way. His other form, the ghoulish titan. Yes, he's a monster and he's glad that some can be warned of that fact by his outward appearance.

And he remembers his most recent breakdown - _Levi, Hange, the blood, the marks_ \- and he's suddenly laughing. He's laughing so hard that he can't breathe and it's so loud. But the moment passes just as fast as it came and he's left feeling empty. And it's only in his chest and the edges are raw and bloody from where they've been forced closed by his fingernails and they ache and throb. And he's just so done with this. With the stupid time loop, stupid feelings, stupid Mikasa, stupid Levi, stupid, stupid him. Goddess, he's so goddessdamn _stupid._ He let Levi, _Levi of all people,_ see him at his lowest. He wants to die.

There's a knock on his door and with a sigh, he's forcing himself to his feet and opening the door. It's Armin and Mikasa. "We have to train," Armin says, his eyes full of determination.

"Well, then. Good morning to you too," he blinks and hides behind his door. He laughs through his exhaustion. He prays that they won't notice but by the narrowing of Mikasa's eyes and the concern in Armin's, he knows it's futile. He smiles. "Just let me get dressed, I'll meet you there." they nod and leave. Then, he's closing the door and focusing on his breathing. He can't break again, not yet. He'll have to wait.

Eren stares at his bloody uniform, thanking the goddesses for his foresight. With a tired sigh, he's undressed and in the shower. He scrubs and scrubs and scrubs and scrubs and scrubs. Until his skin is a bright, inflamed pink and the neat, little cuts in his wrists are bleeding once more. Only then does he step out of the shower, dry himself off, bandage his wrists, and get dressed. Only then does he leave the safety of his room and head to the mess hall. He prays that he won't run into Levi, or Hange for that matter, but the world is never kind to him for long, if at all. And run into Levi he does. Quite literally.

"Watch where your going," Levi snaps, the bag under his eyes much darker and much deeper. He starts at the sight of Eren. "Eren?"

Eren smiles. "I'm sorry. I'll make sure to be careful from now on. If you'll excuse me," he pushes past the dark-haired man and winces when said man catches him by his wrist. He ducks his head away.

"Eren, wait!" he hears the man sigh and the grip on his wrist loosens. "I just - I don't - I'm, uh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Eren freezes as if someone's shocked him. He doesn't believe his ears. "You're sorry? For what?"

"For hurting you," Levi releases him but Eren doesn't move, can't move. "For everything. I'm just... sorry. You didn't deserve to find out that way. I should've - if I'd just - I'm sorry."

"It's fine," his voice sounds weak to his own ears and he hates it. He tries again. "It's fine."

Levi walks around to stand in front of him. Eren refuses to look at him. Levi sighs and messes with his hair, biting his lip. "I'm bad at this. Can we, uh, can we talk? Now?"

Eren looks up - he can't help himself - and what he sees there makes his heart melt and flutter at the same time. "Yeah," he whispers, breathlessly. He licks his lips. "We can talk."

Then, they're in Levi's room. And Levi's pacing while Eren watches him from the bed. The bed that haunts his dreams and brings unwanted - _but so, so, so wanted_ \- to the surface. He does his best to ignore it and focuses on Levi. The man's face is one of pure concentration and just a bit of annoyance. And he's alternating between worrying his lips between his teeth to pouting and goddessdamnit if that isn't the cutest thing Eren's ever seen. No, nope, nope, nope. He doesn't want to do this anymore. Levi stops his rapid pacing, exchanging it for staring at Eren. He doesn't want to do this anymore. And now he's kneeling between Eren's legs. He doesn't want to do this anymore. And he's opening his mouth to speak. He doesn't want to do this anymore.

"Eren, look, I don't know how to say this," he sighs, running a hand over his face, looking at Eren through the spaces between his fingers. "Fuck it. I'm just gonna say it. I know that you killed those people, that you're the elusive mauler."

Eren already knew this but, still, his breath leaves him completely and his fingers twitch. He swallows thickly and when he regains the ability to speak, it's a whisper. "Yeah? What are you going to do about it?"

"Nothing," Levi shrugs. "I don't have any evidence and I don't really care. I've known since I first met you and I never could figure out why I didn't take you in. I know why now. I've thought about it a lot, all night in fact, and goddess knows I've done worse things. I don't know what your motive was, but I gather it doesn't matter anymore, does it?" Levi smirks at him but then his eyes darken. "I know you overheard my conversation with Hange. I know that it hurt you and there's nothing I can say that will take away that hurt," he sighs and rubs Eren's knee. "And I'm so sorry."

"Levi," Eren breaths with a smile. He hooks his fingers in the lapels of Levi's uniform and pulls him into his lap and into a kiss. Levi melts into it immediately and Eren's so goddessdamn weak. He loves it. "I love you."

Levi freezes on his lap and Eren mentally kicks himself. He's about to take it back when Levi pulls him into a bruising kiss, licking his way into his mouth almost violently. And he's whispering against his lips and Eren's eating every word of it. "I love you, I love you, I love you so much."

"I love you," Eren says it louder this time, affirming it to the shared air between them. "I love you," he kisses Levi's nose. "I love you," his eyelids. "I love you," his cheeks, which are stretched in the prettiest smile Eren's ever seen. "I love you," his forehead. "I love you," and his lips, one, two, three, four times. Levi laughs against him.

"I love you," they're both giggling like schoolgirls but they don't care. They're so happy and in love and when Eren starts crying, Levi kisses his tears away. And Eren's _so_ _happy._ _So, so happy._

He spends the day with Levi, acquiring quite a few more hickeys even though he refuses to take his undershirt off. Levi had smiled at him and sucked little roses onto his hips and inner thighs. And. Eren just. He loves him so much. And when they've exhausted themselves and can't go another round, Levi holds Eren. And it's perfect. And when Levi asks him about the murders, he's all too happy to answer him. "It was me."

"Oh, okay," Levi's arms tighten around him and he moans softly when the man kisses his nape. "Tell me about it?"

Eren shifts in Levi's embrace, turning to face him. And Levi takes his left hand in his right, leaving his arm for Eren to rest his head on. Eren smiles and plays with Levi's fingers. They're surprisingly long, covered in calluses. "It was the only job I could get. We needed the money. Mikasa couldn't find any work and I wasn't about to let her work in a brothel. And even if there had been any jobs, Armin wasn't physically able to do manual labor."

Levi kisses his temple. "You don't have to tell me. I can wait."

"I want to," he smiles and presses Levi's finger to his lips. "My boss, Fitz, was eager to see how a kid would do in his gang. He let me in and he payed well. Extremely well. It was.... hard," he pauses. "At first. But, after a while, it became easy. Too easy. I quit after I joined the military."

Levi doesn't speak for a moment. "Alright," he says after a while. "I'm glad that you told me."

 

"Yeah?" Eren giggles. "You're not scared? I could rip your throat out at any time, you know. I used my teeth too," he licks a strip up Levi's throat, feeling the man's pulse. He giggles and nips at his trachea. "I won't, for now."

"Brat," Levi response is instantaneous, and he flicks him on the forehead. Eren laughs and smiles against the man's throat. Levi shivers, pulling his shoulder up. Eren breaths against his neck once more. Levi reacts the same way, except a snort is added. He freezes. "Don't start. Stop."

"Oh? But I was having fun," Eren pulls away and pouts. A grin replaces it almost immediately. "I never thought you'd be ticklish. Interesting."

"Don't tell Hange," Levi says. "They'll never let me live it down."

"I won't," Eren blows air into his ear, enjoying watching him squirm. "Oh, I like this."

"Not now," Levi sighs and curls up around Eren, effectively hiding his neck from him. "Sleep. Now."

Eren smiles and kisses Levi's nose before following his example. He's out in minutes.

~~~

As expected, he wakes up sore. He relishes in the burn, though. And this time, there's a familiar warmth next to him and he sighs at the pleasant feeling of waking up in Levi's arms. And he's so happy. He's so _happy._ Eren smiles to himself, shifting to face Levi. The man's face is peaceful in sleep, relaxed. He looks almost younger and Eren finds himself imagining Levi as an adolescent. Was he rebellious? Was he as obsessed with cleanliness as is now? Did he have family? Where were they? Were they dead? Eren sighs. He has so many questions. All he wants is to know Levi, inside and out. He wants Levi all to himself. His and his alone. He ignores this urge, this primal desire. Levi wouldn't want that. And all he wants is for Levi to be happy. He'll do anything to make him happy. All he has to do is ask.

Levi stirs, mumbling to himself, and Eren's eyes are immediately on him. He smiles and raises a hand, admiring the way Levi's eyelashes rest against cheeks. His lips, pink and thin, are the soft color of wild flowers. His nose, slightly upturned, a cute button. His pale skin is littered with love bites, varying from purple to dark red. They look like little blooms under Levi's skin. Beautiful, just like the man they belong to. And Eren loves him. Goddess, Eren loves this man. Eren smiles and nuzzles into Levi's side. The dark-haired male wakes with a grunt. "Morning."

"Morning," Eren whispers into the brisk air. He peppers Levi's collar bone in kisses. Levi snorts, flinching away.

"Stop," he breathes and Eren is gone. He's so far gone. Gone, gone, gone. He's lost in Levi and he doesn't ever want to find the way out. Levi flicks him on the forehead and rises from the bed. He shivers when his bare feet slap into the cold floor. "Ew."

Eren giggles and gathers Levi into his arms, quickly. Levi yelps and glares at him as he clings to his neck. Eren laughs. "Shower?"

"Bath," Levi's reply is short and clipped, almost offended. And when he elbows his way out of Eren's hold, Eren pouts. He doesn't expect to be swept off his feet. "For you, Eren. You're the one who had a dick up his ass. Can't believe I had to explain that."

"Oh."

Levi merely shakes his head and carries Eren to the bathroom. He sets Eren down on the toilet, mindful of his sore bottom. He hums quietly as he draws the bath water and Eren finds himself drifting off. He's brought back by Levi tugging on his undershirt. He freezes. Levi eyes him. He smiles. "I can do it. Can you get some towels? I don't see any in here."

"Fuck, you're right. I'll be back," Levi leaves quickly, his feet padding along softly. Eren lets himself breathe. He'd almost gotten caught. After he's calmed, he rids himself of his undershirt and bandages. Unmarked skin stares at him. He scrambles to look in the mirror, noting that Levi's marks still stain his skin pleasantly. A sigh escapes him and he brings a hand to touch the new ones on his hips. His fingers are still inflamed, torn and raw.

"Huh," he returns to his spot on the toilet and stares at the smooth, unblemished skin of his wrists for a moment. Then, he throws the bandages away. Shoves them into the very bottom of Levi's wastebasket. "That's weird." 

"What?" Levi says as he strolls into the room with tow fluffy towels in hand. Eren shakes his head with a smile and reaches to take the towels from Levi. The dark-haired man tsks and puts them on the sink counter. Eren pouts and swing his legs to get into the tub. Again, Levi stops him. He huffs and crosses his arms as the man sets him into the tub as if he's made of glass.

 

"Can't I do anything by myself?" he grumbles as the short man climbs in behind him. Levi laughs when Eren reclined to lay in between his legs, angry pout still in place. He gives Levi an expectant look. "Well?" he asks, grumbling. "You might as well wash me too."

"Of course," Levi says, hands already reaching for the soaps. Eren sighs when the man's calloused hands massage the soap into his scalp gently. When Levi's rinsed it out, Eren returns the favor. He ignores the slight sting of his fingers and pays extra attention to the buzz of Levi's undercut, the shaved hairs soft and pleasant. Levi stares at him when he runs his fingers through the short man's raven locks. 

"What?" his fingers still, resting on Levi's corded neck. Levi doesn't answer him. Instead, he pulls Eren closer to him, planting kisses on his shoulders, hands caressing his sides. "Levi?"

He stares into Eren's eyes, hands trailing up his body to rest on his cheeks. Eren leans into the touch, his heat pounding in his chest. Levi's eyes are unbearably soft, lips displaying a small smile. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"

Eren's breath stills in his chest and he can't help the smile that makes it's way into his face. And he can't help but attack Levi with kisses. And he can't help but touch Levi anywhere he can reach. And he can't help the giggles and breathless laughter that escapes him. And he just can't help but be in love. He kisses Levi one last time, savoring the spicy sweetness on his tongue. "You were you. Captain Levi, Humanity's Strongest, eliminating one germ at a time."

Levi laughs against his mouth and Eren feels like he's drowning in his giddiness. His blood sings and buzzes beneath his skin, all for Levi. He presses a kiss to Levi's forehead and reverently washes the man's body. He trails his fingers along his toned abdomen, presses kisses to his thighs and legs as he rinses the soap off. Levi returns the favor immediately after he's finished and Eren feels absolutely _worshipped_. Levi's touch is addicting and Eren can't get enough. He sighs when Levi's finished and lets the man pamper him a bit more. He draws the line at dressing himself. Levi relents with his palms up in surrender. Eren glares at him for a second more before pulling on his uniform. He winces at the dull ache in his lower half, it's definitely worse than it was yesterday. Eren smiles. It's a welcome ache, a cherished one.

"Damnit," Levi's curse reaches his ear from the bedroom and he follows it into the small study. Levi's frowning at an opened letter on his desk, letter opener still in his hand. Eren prys it from Levi's hand, letting Levi clutch his hand instead of the blade.

"What's wrong?" he asks, gently. Levi doesn't look upset. He looks pissed. He peeks at the letter. "'Meeting'? Why?"

"Erwin decided he needed me on a mission that I didn't know shit about and still don't," he exhales through his nose. "Now, I have to go to a meeting that ended an hour ago."

"Shaving his eyebrows is still very much on the table," Levi gives him a look. "Or not. Whenever you're ready."

Levi's eyes soften and he sighs. Eren shoots him a smile with a thumbs up. "Dork. I'll see you at dinner, I guess. This is going to be a long ass meeting."

"Okay," Eren pecks him a the lips and makes to leave. "I need to have a meeting of my own anyhow. I love you."

When he hears an "I love you too!" shouted back at him,  he smiles dreamily. And he practically floats into the mess hall. It's well passed breakfast, almost lunchtime, and he knows Armin and Mikasa are waiting for him. He's not surprised to find them glaring at him. Mikasa's eyes narrow when she notices his worsened limp and she gestures for him to follow her. Armin only sighs. They head to the abandoned stables - they were old and decrepit - and he braces himself.

"Eren," her voice is sad and so are her eyes - _her pretty, pretty eyes_ \- and he frowns at her. "Why did you go back to him? After what he did?"

Armin cuts in. "He's only been hurting you, Eren. Are you sure he's worth it?"

"Of course he's worth it!" the sudden anger frightens them. He draws it back in. "Of course he's worth it," he says again, albeit softer.

"Why?" Armin asks. And he knows that they both need an answer.

"Because I love him."

There's a tension in the air. Thick and heavy. It weighs on Eren's shoulders, squeezes his heart. "Why?" it's Mikasa who asks this time and her eyes are glassy. Glazed with a sheen of tears. Eren's heart is squeezed again. He smiles at her, soft and gentle.

"How could I not? He's strong, impressively so. He's handsome, his body is perfectly proportioned, despite his height. He's vulgar and obsessed with cleanliness," he gushing now. He can't bring himself to care. "He's rude and blunt. He's got toilet humor and he's so mean sometimes."

"Despite his looks, all of that seems like reasons to hate him."

Eren ignores the comment. "But he's also kind and thoughtful. He's secretly sensitive and respects every soldier who fights alongside him. He looks out for them and genuinely cares. He's been through so much shit. He's been kicked when he was down. He's been beaten. He's been hurt so many times. And he still fights," he opens his eyes to see his two friends, his family, staring at him with wide eyes. He laughs. "What's not to love?"

Mikasa grits her teeth. "He's thrown your love into the dirt and stomped on it. Multiple times. He doesn't deserve you."

"Mikasa, do you know what love is?"

"Of course I know what love is," she huffs. Eren smiles. He decides that it's time to be wise.

"Love is a gift. It's a benefit to the one you give it to. It is selfless, unconditional. Love never says, 'I want.' Love never says, 'I won't.' Love asks, 'What do you need? How can I help?' Love says, 'I will.' Love listens with endless patience and empathy. Love sacrifices. Love is a helping hand. Love isn't a word or a concept. Love is simple, easy but complicated and intricate at the same time. Something you can convey without words," he lets it sink in. "It never asks for something in return. Love is never selfish and ever giving."

"Eren?" Armin asks, visibly awed. "Is that what you feel for Levi?"

"Yes," he breathes. "Yes, it is. I feel it for you two as well, just not in the same way."

Armin smiles. "We love you too, Eren."

"I told you that I would support you," Mikasa begins. "And I want to stand by that. I _will_ stand by it. But if he ever hurts you again, I'll kill him."

"You and I know you won't," Eren says. Mikasa raises a brow, her expression challenging. "Simply because it would hurt me and I'd never forgive you."

He says it lightly, with a teasing smile. But jus eyes convey the truth in his words and he knows Mikasa reads it as clear as day. She nods and the moment passes.

"We haven't trained at all! The mission is today!" Armin frowns, his eyes growing panicked. That takes Eren by surprise.

"What?"

Mikasa waves him off. "Erwin called a meeting this morning. Since you failed to show, he rescheduled. It begins after lunch. You'd know this if you weren't preoccupied."

"I had a dick up my ass, Mikasa. Give me a break," he rubs his forehead, a headache already throbbing behind his eyelids. "Fuck!"

"Woe is you. Boo hoo. Go get ready," she cuffs him on the back of the head and he glares daggers at her. He leaves to do as she says and ready his supplies.

He's supposed to be on the run with Mikasa and Armin in tow. Military convict. He quickly throws on his cape, making sure his gear is secure. He meets back up with Mikasa and Armin. They make their way to Erwin's office. He can hear Levi's voice through the thick, mahogany door. He sounds pissed.

"Levi, please calm down."

Thay walk in right as Levi says, "Shut the fuck up!"

"Yeah, Erwin. What he said," Eren giggles, unable to be serious in the most dire of moments. Levi snorts, his eyes lighting up at the sight of Eren. Eren lets his smugness show on his face. Erwin smiles at them.

"Welcome, please take a seat," they do. "Some of you couldn't make it to the first meeting, which is fine. It was a brief review. The plan remains the same. We'll be leaving shortly."

"Oh, goody!" Eren kicks his feet out like a child. "Can I be the one to question her?"

Erwin regards him with intrigued eyes. "Can you get the information we need?"

"Yes," Eren licks his lips. "And more."

"Levi?" Erwin asks. His eyes are calculating, considering. Levi nods. Eren smiles and blow him a kiss. Erwin ignores it. "Alright. Hange will supervise the interrogation."

"I'm taking fingernails and teeth first," Eren whispers, loudly. Armin gags. Despite that, no one's surprised and leaves him to his fantasies. Levi's the only one who looks mildly taken aback. He shakes it off quickly. Eren still decides to tone it down.

Erwin dismisses them. Levi stays. Eren's unhappy to be separated from Levi so soon. A lot has happened in the past few days and he really wanted some time to relax. He doesn't mind, though. Especially if he gets to partake in one of his favorite hobbies. He smiles at Armin. "I'm so excited! Do you think she'll cry? I bet she'll cry."

"I don't know nor do I plan to find out," Armin says, frowning. Eren sticks his tongue out at him.

"Party pooper."

The conversation dies off after that. Eren tries to fight the anxiety lapping at his insides. He doesn't succeed. And he can it crashing down into him, violently thrashing. But, he ignores it. He's always been exceptional at that.

It feels like hours before they're told it's time. In reality, it had been 30 minutes. Eren's stomach churns. He feels like he's going to throw up. He catches Levi's eye as the man board a carriage. Levi smiles at him and, to Eren's shock and pleasure, blows him a kiss. Eren makes a show of catching it, just to see the short man's smile grow. He gives Jean the middle finger when he spots him climbing into the carriage as well. Jean snorts - __much like a horse -__ and waves him off. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin wait for them to depart before they themselves do.

The journey to Wall Sina is much longer than Eren wants it to be. By the time that they're where they need to be, the sun is setting. Armin sends them both a smile before he runs off to find Annie. Mikasa and Eren wait in an alley way, which is very familiar to Eren. He laughs to himself and waits, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he does. It doesn't take Armin long. And Eren is extremely proud of him for convincing Annie to "help" them. He smiles at her and waves. She pales, her eyes narrowing. Eren giggles. She speaks first. "Eren," she says his name slowly as if it feels weird in her mouth. "I heard you got yourself in trouble. How'd you do that?"

"You heard right, Annie!" he claps his hands. "Let's just say that I'm a very violent person and leave it at that. I wouldn't want to scare you."

She hums and spins on her heel, gesturing for them to follow. Eren skips up behind her, Armin and Mikasa walking like normal human beings. Eren laughs at the thought. Like he'd ever been normal. When Annie stops at an underground tunnel, Eren whispers to Armin. "Let's go, loverboy."

"Eren!" he scolds before turning his time and effort to Annie. He pleads for her to join them, Mikasa and Eren joining. Eren smiles as he beg, his eyes knowing. Annie doesn't listen, she shakes her head and offer up a fear of the dark as her excuse. Eren laughs at her, shooting the flare gun as he does.

The sudden rush of activity startles Annie and she thrashes in their grip. Jean and Levi are on her sides. Levi on the right, Jean on the left. They're holding her hands, checking for the ring Eren warned Erwin about. The first and last time he saw it, she had looked him dead in the eye as she used it to trigger her transformation. Eren doesn't remember why but, then again, he doesn't remember a lot of things. Levi finds the ring and slide it off her finger, throwing it to Eren.

"Check her for more hidden weapons. We can't be too cautious in a situation like this," Erwin orders. Thankfully, the streets are empty of civilians and they can take their time. She doesn't have any more. Eren could've told them that by the fear in her eyes. She looks like she did when Eren first confronted her. "Is she clear?" they nod. "Good, tie her up and put her in the carriage. Hurry."

The carriage is taken out of its hiding place in an alley mot far from their position and Annie fights as she thrown in. Eren joins her in the carriage except he sits on the seat. She glares at her from her spot on the floor, her eyes are full of fear and rage. Eren laughs. She flinches. Eren stares at her throughout the ride back to HQ. She avoids his gaze, her face devoid of emotion. Hange gushes excitedly all the way into the dungeons. Eren humors them. Annie struggles against him when he shackles her. He tsks. Hange tells him that they'll set up and that he should go see Levi. Eren does as they say but not before waving at Annie.

Levi is two floors above the dungeon, in the mess hall. Eren sneaks up behind him and pokes at his neck. Immediately, his finger is trapped between Levi's chin and his collar bone. "Levi," he purrs into his ear. Levi shivers and releases him to rub his ear with his shoulder, his hands preoccupied with preparing tea. Eren kisses his neck in apology and wraps his arms around the man's waist, cheek resting on his soft hair. Levi hums.

"Aren't you supposed to be 'interrogating' Annie Leonhart?" he stops what he doing to use his fingers to make quotation marks in the air. Eren kisses the top of his head.

"I am," he agrees, trailing kisses down to Levi's cheek and neck. "But I wanted to see you first."

Levi lets his head roll to the side, offering Eren more of his neck. Eren smiles against his skin and nips at his pulse. Levi's breath hitches. He speaks shakily ad Eren laves at the spot with his tongue. "And now you've seen me."

"But Levi," he whines, rolling his hips into Levi's ass. Levi grunts.

"No butts," he says turning in Eren's embrace. Eren laughs and kisses him. "No more kisses, either. Not until you're done with your 'interrogation.' Okay?"

"Levi," he pouts, dropping his head onto Levi's shoulder. Levi massages his nape. Eren moans and Levi laughs, extracting himself from Eren's grip. "Fine. I'll see you after."

Levi lets him have one last kiss before he's sent away. Eren's cheek feel hot and his body feels light. Goddess, he's so in love. He walks, slowly, to the dungeons. Savoring the taste and feel of Levi on his lips. When he enters the dungeons, he shakes his head. Annie yanks on her restraints, movements stilling when she spots him. He strolls up to her and stares.

"Didn't I tell you not to struggle?" he asks, his friendly smile turning deadly in the blink of an eye. "If only you had listened to me."

Her glare turns fierce. Eren thumbs the skin bellow her eye and hums. Hange interrupts his train of thought. "I've already informed her of the consequences of her shifting underground. Are you ready?"

Eren jolts back to attention. "Yes!" he grabs a random tool, pleased to see it's a scalpel. He positions it above her left eye. "Now," he smiles. "Who sent you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this took me forever and I am sorry! I had most of it written way before my schools Christmas break started. And it's not like I ran out of inspiration or motivation. I just didnt feel like writing. I was in the middle of a mood drop. It's gone, for the most part. Anyway, enough on that topic! Despite all that, this chapter is 7505 words long. The next chapter will be longer and hopefully out much sooner than this one was. As usual, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and hope for your continued support! And please comment. It fuels me.


	11. cent trente-neuf(     )

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How about what Levi thinks of his encounters with Eren?

Levi's always seen things. Strings that connect people to others, strings that let him see the future and the past. And he's fine with that. Really. He's fine with being a freak of nature so long as it doesn't become a problem for him in the future. And so far it hasn't. Which Levi thinks is a miracle given the fucked up things he's seen when he touched the strings.

He learned to control it, which was extremely hard since he had no idea how to do that. He slips up from time to time and it's awful. He absolutely hates it. And he used to long to be normal but he put that wish in its grave a long time ago. He's done with wishes, too tired to hope. He can tolerate it, can live with it, and that's really all that matters.

If only he hadn't seen _him_.

The first time Levi saw the green-eyed brat was years after Isabel and Farlan's deaths. He'd known it would happen, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt any less. It had been another piss poor expedition - they'd lost one hundred soldiers - and Levi was more than just tired. He was exhausted. Both mentally and physically. And he was not, by any means, looking forward to having a bunch a village idiots gawk at him. He didn't expect to see children among them. And when his gaze met hollow emeralds, his eyes widened a fraction. And he stared. He stared at a small golden skinned child who looked positively ecstatic at the sight of them. At the sight of weary, bloody, downtrodden soldiers. The boy's friend - a dark-haired girl with equally dark eyes - was trying to pull him away, but the boy only shook his head. He could see his mouth moving rapidly as the girl sighed and released him. The boy smiled then, wide and empty. Next to him, an even smaller blond boy laughed. And all he could focus on was the sheer amount of strings surrounding this boy. They were wrapped around his tiny body, tight and unwilling to let go. And he'd touched enough strings to know what the different colors meant.

Black: the death of the owner. Red: death the owner has witnessed/caused. Pink: love of the owner. Yellow: friends and family of the owner. Blue: past loves of the owner.

The strings only represented things that affected the owner. And this boy had black strings wrapped around his hands, arms, neck, torso, and legs. They were even tangled in his hair. They were everywhere and they were accompanied by red. Like lovers, they were tangled together. And even though he saw slivers of the other colors, he could only focus on them. And he was horrified. And he was so intrigued. And in the midst of his shock, the boy caught him staring and, instead of being offended, he smiled. Not the empty one he had worn before but, a bright smile that Levi feared would blind him. And then he saw a pink string. He followed it with his eyes and paled when he saw it wrapped around his own pinky. Panic roiled in his stomach rose into his throat. His eyes flitted to the boy's hands. His right had the pink string that connected him to Levi while the other had a blue one connecting him to the dark-haired girl next to him. It faded into pink halfway through, showing the girl's love for him. And Levi had to look away. Levi had to forget.

He had to push the starry-eyed brat from his mind. It was ridiculously hard, though. Levi couldn't help but wonder about the boy. The boy who loved him. He ignored it and focused on his work.

~~~ 

He'd almost succeeded in forgetting about the brat when Eyebrows decided to fuck him over. He'd almost forgotten but then he was assigned the mauler case, which was about a series of brutal murders in one of the outer towns of Trost. He wasn't excited about it and he didn't expect to run into the brat who haunted his thoughts there of all places. Or anywhere else.

He'd been wondering the market, looking for tea among the herbs, when he heard muffled gasps. Levi had always been a little too curious for his own good, he had the scars to prove it, so, of course, he followed the noise. Needless to say, he was shocked when he saw the familiar mess of black and red strings in the alley way where the gasps had originated from. And they were coming from the owner of said strings.

"Blood everywhere, it's hot, so hot, it burns, too much, too loud, too much, too much," the boy mumbled, breathing deeply as if to calm himself. And after witnessing something so weird, Levi meant to walk away. He really did.

"What's a brat like you doing in an abandoned alley?" he opened his damn mouth instead. The boy's eyes shot open and he looked as if he was about to throw himself at Levi. Levi glared but, the boy only looked away. He got a glimpse of a smile. Cheeky brat.

"Just trying to get away from the crowd. It's too much for me," his voice was rougher than Levi thought it would be, almost grim. And it was thick as if he was holding back tears. Levi watched his every move. The boy flushed. "What's a respectable soldier like you doing in an abandoned alley?"

Levi snorted at the question before he remembered why he was in town in the first place. "There's been a series of brutal murders lately and since the Military Police can't do their fucking job, I have to. Erwin doesn't know what "I don't care" means."

"Murders?" the boy looked shocked and if Levi hadn't witnessed his mini-breakdown beforehand, he would've believed him. Now he seemed too innocent. "Military Police? What?"

Suspicion flooded his veins. He stomped it down. "Don't worry about it, kid. You'll be fine," he said, ruffling the kids hair. Purposely grazing a black and a red string. The red string is bright, probably new. The black one is not. It's torn and tattered, definitely old. He was immediately overwhelmed by the visions.

 ~~~

_He's running, jumping, flying over the buildings that surround him. Trost. Overcome with titans. He'll kill them. He'll kill them all. Or, at least, he wants to._

_He never gets to. There's a_  clack  _and he screams as his leg is bitten off. He falters and crashes onto the roof next to him, landing in a crumpled heap. He doesn't move. He stares, blankly, as his teammates are eaten in front of him. It's horrifying. He wishes he could close his eyes, but he stares, transfixed._

_An all too familiar voice screams in desperation and, suddenly, he's moving. It happens in a blur. Pulling Armin from the bearded titan's mouth and throwing him onto the roof next to them. Straining to keep the titan's mouth open, arm reaching for Armin. He's not strong enough and he screams when the titan's mouth snaps shut. As he's swallowed. He lands in hot, slimy fluid and lets the tears fall. He screams until his voice leaves him, cries until he has no more tears to shed, struggles until he can't move. He closes his eyes and accepts his fate._

_They say misfortune comes in threes. And he thinks maybe he's done._

~~~

He barely had time to breathe before he was thrown into another.

~~~

_There's a nagging at the back of his head. Eren's tired of hearing it's incessant_ __scritch scratch._ _ _He ignores his target's screams - he was specifically ordered not to rip out their throats this time - and, instead, chooses to focus on the quiet ripping, popping sound as the ligaments tear, and the quiet breaking of a stick as the bone bursts from the skin of her arm. She screams and Eren growls in warning, his hands hovering over her. She clamps her mouth shut and squeezes her eyes shut, her shoulders trembling as sobs wrack their way through her body. The_ __scritching_ _ _and_ __scratching_ _ _increases its tempo. His head hurts. She whimpers and it echoes throughout his skull, painfully. Eren blacks out. And he tastes blood in his mouth and feels it splatter onto his body. It's warm and sticky. And he's laughing, laughing, laughing._

_When he comes to, her body is sprawled in front of him like a ghoulish nightmare. The esophagus and arteries sticking out like so much corrugated and rubber tubing. Her corpse is still warm, the blood thickening but not yet dried on her now waxy skin. Eren thinks it's a harrowing but beautiful sight. The red contrasts nicely with the stark white of the walls and floors. Fitz won't be happy, but Eren still thinks it's a nice change. In the buzz of adrenaline, the nagging is drowned out but it comes back with a vengeance. It's evolved from its quiet scritch scratch and into a shrill shrieking of metal on metal. Screaming, screaming, screaming. Eren ignores it and calls Fitz._

_"Already done?" Fitz asks with a laugh until he see the gore marring the cleanliness of the room. "Shit, kid. You went all out, didn't ya?"_

_"Yeah. I had a headache and she wouldn't stop screaming. She was rude and she had to go," Eren sniffs as he speaks, using his forearm to wipe the blood and sweat from his forehead. Fitz claps him on the back._

_"Ya did good. When the boys take her back to her family, they won't even_ __think_ _ _of betraying us again."_

_Eren nods and gazes at her mangled body. He wonders, what did she do? But, ultimately decides it doesn't matter. He leaves, after a shower, with an envelope thick and heavy with money and an empty feeling encompassing his chest. Mikasa and Armin greet him with hugs and kisses and smiles. And the hole in his chest gives a bit. Mikasa and Armin are determined to go to the market place before it's too busy and he's tired. He's tired, his bones feel heavy and he forces himself to go to the market with Mikasa and Armin._

_The market place is, of course, buzzing with activity. People of every color and variety are bustling around carts full of precious fruits and vegetables. Eren hates it. It's_ __too_ _ _crowded, it's_ __too_ _ _loud, loud, loud. It's_ __too_ _ _much. His head starts to ache and he wants to scream. Armin smiles and gasps at low prices and makes sure to fill their baskets with goods. He also makes sure drag Mikasa and Eren along with him. Thankfully, both Armin and Mikasa get distracted enough for Eren to sneak away from them. If only for a bit. Eren breaks away from the hustle and bustle of the market place and hides away in an abandoned alley. He can breathe again. He takes in slow, deep breaths and almost fails to notice someone approaching him._

_"What's a brat like you doing in an abandoned alley?" his eyes shoot open and he almost cries at the sight of the man he'd been thinking every night. At Levi's glare, he looks away and smiles._

_~~~_

Levi forced himself to act normal as he left, thanking the goddesses that the visions only lasted a second or two. He forced himself to leave the alley way and head to the hotel he was staying at. He forced himself to keep his shock at bay. But when right after he entered his hotel room, he allowed himself to collapse. He allowed himself to be shocked, to be horrified, to be _scared_. And while he was scared, he was mostly confused. What was that first vision? The brat had died before? He was a soldier? How? Could it have been a dream? Could there be a string for that?

Questions swirled around his brain, searching for answers when there were none. Finally, he gave up on analysing the first one and focused on the second. The brat's name was Eren. The brat was the mauler, that much was obvious. His friends, Mikasa and Armin, didn't know. Eren didn't want them to know. He was lucky that Levi didn't have any solid evidence. It's a little weird that the vision was so long, though. Eren must have been thinking about the woman's death even after killing her. Levi's stomach churned when he realized that he was the one who distracted Eren from it.

After much thought, Levi decided to leave it be. He didn't have any evidence and, despite the murders, Eren seemed like an alright kid. It was obvious that he'd done it for his family, even if he did enjoy it a little. Levi had done worse for a worse reasons than that. And he couldn't deny that he had enjoyed it too.

He returned to the base to tell Erwin that he'd found nothing and the case was dropped. Levi was the only one who didn't drop it. He still planned to take Eren in, he just needed evidence. A confession. Of course, he doubted that he would get one. Deep down he knew that the mauler case would never be solved. He found that he didn't care. It was just something to distract him from the first vision. And he had to admit that he was happy that he didn't have to see Eren.

~~~

Of fucking course Commander Eyebrows just had to go and ruin everything by sending Levi to "go _scout_ out the talent." The man actually said that to him. He was the reason Levi contemplated murder-suicide. Actually that was Shitty Glasses but, Eyebrows wasn't helping the matter.

Levi did as he was told, though he made sure to complain his ass off before he set out. It took two days to get to the cadets training camps. And he had to wait three hours before he could even start. He did. He would complain to Eyebrows and Shitty Glasses when he returned. Shadis was, at the very least, apologetic about the wait. It was amusing to see a grown ass man, who used to be the Commander of the Survey Corps, trip over himself to please Levi. 

That was only one of the highlights of his visit.

The other was after he'd seen most of the most talented cadets. It was when Eren Jaeger, the very same brat who'd haunted him since he first laid eyes on him, walked into the room. There weren't any new red or black strings, which was a relief. He'd stopped then.

Eren was no longer a boy. He'd filled out quite nicely. His shoulders were fairly wide, his body lean and lithe. He moved like a predator, muscles coiled and ready to pounce. His skin was still golden, his hair still the color of chocolate, and his eyes still a mesmerising mix of colors. He was, in short, beautiful. And Levi hated himself for being attracted to him. Eren spoke first.

"Long time no see, huh?" 

Levi snorted and tried not to focus on the way Eren's eyes had softened at the sound. "Four years. Damn, I didn't think you'd be the type to join the military."

"There's nothing better to do. Besides, if I'm going to die, I might as well see the outside the Walls before I do," Eren said and Levi smirked. He couldn't help it. He liked the brat.

"Are you planning on joining the Survey Corps?" Levi almost smiled. He caught himself but couldn't smother it completely. Eren's eyes flickered to his lips and back.

"Yep," he said, kicking his legs out, popping the "p." Levi stared and Eren only smiled. A smirk once again made it's way to his lips.

"Well, brat, rise through the ranks and I'll see if I can get you on my squad."

Eren giggled at that and oh my goddess, if that hadn't been the cutest thing Levi's ever seen. His smirk widened, bordering on smile territory. "Is that a promise?"

"Sure. Why not?" Levi shrugged. Eren flushed and lingered by the door on his way out.

"I'll hold you to that."

Levi sighed after he left. "I hope you do."

~~~

Levi runs into Eren again, its after the Wall had been breathed. He'd landed on HQ's rooftop, where the cadets had decided to gather, and had immediately laid eyes on Eren. Levi didn't know then nor does he now when exactly he'd started looking for Eren specifically. Eren was shaking in place, a wide grin in his lips. And Levi stared. Then, Eren spun around. And suddenly Levi's arms are full of Eren. "Eren-" he tried to protest but Eren stopped him.

With his lips.

And fuck, it was one if the best kisses Levi's ever had. Even if it had only lasted a couple of seconds. Eren obviously didn't think so by the way his eyes had widened in panic. 

"I'm sorry," he tried to pull away. Levi wasn't having that. Eren froze. One of his hands reached up and brushed a lock of Eren's hair away from his face. He traced Eren's lower lip with his thumb. It quivered under his touch and he leans in. "Levi," Eren breathed when Levi's lips brushed his. It wasn't innocent, like Eren's but hot, fiery,  passionate and demanding. Levi lost himself. Eren wasn't complaing. He gasped into the kiss and his hands surged up to tangle in Levi's hair. 

"Eren," Levi whispered it slowly, prolonging each letter, savoring them on his tongue. Eren smiled and Levi's heart pounded against his ribs. Eren leaned in for another. And Levi met him halfway. The world fell away. This kiss was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words can never be. Levi let his hands come up to rest below Eren's ear, his thumbs caressing his cheeks as their breathes mingle. And Eren ran his fingers down Levi's spine, pulling him in closer until there was no space left in between them and Levi could feel the other's heartbeat in his own chest.

The haze around them cleared away slowly until Levi is left with only the memory. Eren smiled at him, thumbing the his hip bones. "Hmm, that was unexpected."

"Unexpected?" Levi laughed. Eren's breath hitched. Levi smirked. "It seemed planned to me."

"Oh no," Eren rested his head against his shoulder, despite how uncomfortable Levi's sure it is. "It was all very impulsive. I'm sure everyone is shocked by my audacity."

Eren tensed when he started mouthing at his neck. A breathy moan escaped him and he laughed. Levi snorted. "They're staring all right. The horny shits. Probably fucking ecstatic that they got a free show. I hate brats."

"Good thing I'm not a brat, hmm?" Eren giggled when Levi pinched his side.

"Keep it up and I'm going for the ass next," Levi growled into his ear, playfully.

Eren nipped at the man's earlobe. "Kinky."

Then, he's squirmed his way out of Levi's embrace and made his way back to Mikasa and Armin. Every recruit was staring at him, their mouths agape in shock. One of them looked proud. "Get some," he yelled, wiping away an imaginary tear. A freckled boy beside him smacked his arm. Levi was amused. He smirked as he watched Eren interact with his friends.

"Eren," a dark-haired girl, Mikasa,  grabbed his arm and patted him down. "Did he do anything?"

Eren snickered and Levi had to swallow down his own laughter. "Not anything I didn't want."

"Oh," Armin whispered. He looked scandalized. Eren ignored him and turned to Levi. He tried not to let that go to his head.

"Does this mean I don't have to act coy to get you to fuck me?"

Levi snorted again. Shitty Glasses pushed their way through and screamed before he can answer,  which fucking rude. "Is this him?!"

"Four eyes," Levi warned, he wasn't in the mood. He kicked them off of him. "Watch it."

"Is this him or not?! I bet it is! Oh, he is cute!" they fawned. Levi agreed on the cute part. Eren watched, blankly. "Are you two close?"

"I'd think we'd have to be to be willingly to suck face, you piece of shit," Levi sniffed, pushing Shitty Glasses away from him with one hand. "Can you fucking not? Why are you like this?"

"I have an incessant need and I'm not sorry."

Eren walked up to the struggling pair and Levi had hope. He was a fool. "An incessant need to know that juicy gossip."

"See?" they left Levi and latch onto Eren. "He understands me, you sour plum."

"Does this make me a sweet plum?" Eren gasped. "No, a sweet baby plum!"

Levi frowned and ripped   
Shitty Glasses away from him. Clearly, they were not a good influence on him. "Look at what you've done," he accused. "You've ruined him! He was perfect."

"I always wash dishes immediately after using them," Eren said, immediately. Levi dropped Shitty Glasses and stared at him. His eyes stung a little. Goddess, Eren really _was_ perfect.

"You're a man after my heart," he whispered and Shitty Glasses choked. Unfortunately, they did not die. Pity.  Eren licked his lips and giggled. Cute. "He's perfect again."

"If I said "no," I'd be a liar," Levi chuckled and ignored Shitty Glasses squeal. He sighed and flicked them on the forehead. Why must they be annoying?

"I'm definitely getting you on my squad," he said it like a promise and Eren laughed. He mighy doubt him but, Levi was seruous. Shitty Glasses screamed this time. Eren ignored it and Levi was almost sad to see that he already knew of their antics.

"You can do that right now," Eren suggested. "Technically."

"Technically," Levi parroted. He thought it over briefly. "Then welcome to Squad Levi. You don't get anything so boo fucking hoo." 

"Aww," Eren pouted, which shouldn't be as adorable as it was. "And here I was thinking that I'd get you."

Levi stared at him for a moment.  Cheeky brat. "You think you're smooth."

"Oh, I am," Eren smirked. Levi was too old for this shit. "Or, at least, I will be if a titan ever steps on me. A smooth red smear."

"You're fucked," Levi said, deadpan. Eren stifled a laugh. Then, suddenly he couldn't anymore. Levi realized why soon enough. "If you don't stop gawking I'm going to shove each of your blades up your asses."

They all quickly loom away and Eren sighed. "The beauty of fear. Truly a marvel."

"It comes in handy," Levi said, smug. "My bitchiness. Not the fear, though that's an added plus."

Eren nodded and turned his gaze back to Shitty Glasses who looked like they're about to implode. He sighed. "You can ask questions after all this is over," they looked like they were about to cry. Eren was too kind. He should've let them squirm. "Speaking of which, we should go and report this."

Levi didn't grace him with a response, he only nods. It seemed to be enough for Eren. Levi found himself liking Eren more and more. 

~~~

Levi was sipping a cup of tea when Eren decided to sit next to him. "Hello, handsome."

 

"Eren!" Shitty Glasses almost yelled in their enthusiasm. Eren smiled and waved at them. They giggled and hit Erwin. "This is Eren! You know? The boy who Levi has the hots for?"

"I'll kill you in your fucking sleep, do you understand that?" Levi threatened, idly. Secretly, he was embarrassed. And the fuck knew it. Shitty Glasses laughed, deep and full bellied.

"Oh, I do! I just don't fear death," they smiled widely. Erwin smirked. He hates them both.

"Brightest of the scouts yet still you manage to almost kill yourself on every expedition," he shook his head, sipping his scotch. Suddenly, Eren's snatched it from the man. He sipped it immediately. Levi sighed. Disgusting.

"Hmm, that's strange. I had you pegged as more of a whiskey drinker," Eren threw the rest of the drink back. Levi hid his smirk behind his hand but was unable to stifle the snorts of amusement escaping him. Eren sighed.

"I do enjoy whiskey more," Erwin said softly with an equally soft smile. "But all I had was scotch."

Eren nodded as if he understood his plight. The kid was only fifteen, just barely old enough to drink and consent. What did he know? Levi felt guilty at the thought. Best to avoid it. "At least it's good scotch."

"Damn kid, you're a riot. You know that?" Levi set his cup down, tea shaking in it's confines. He shook his head, mind still torturing him. Eren distracted him by pucking the cup up.  
He watched the brat through narrowed eyes. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Like you really care. After all the spit we've swapped," the little shit sipped it, making a face at the bitterness of it. Hah. "Why would you ever? It's just as bitter as you."

"Fuck you," Levi snatched the cup away from him, curling himself around it almost. He glared at him. Eren sighed with a smile.

"Beautiful," Eren whispered and kissed him. His hands were in Levi's hair, mussing it up delightfully. He pressed so hard that Levi felt the outline of his teeth. Their lips would be bruised. Levi didn't care, he gripped Eren's hips and drew him in closer. Eren's lips are like nettles, his tongue wine. And Levi's addicted. It was a simple kiss, a peck on the lips. Levi craved more.

"Fuck," Levi pulled away and Eren chased him for more. Levi smirked and pushed at his face with his hand. Eren took said hand in his. He kissed each finger, each crease, each vein. Levi's face flushed, even his ears. Eren stared at him in awe.

"I'm going to die," Eren stated, holding Levi's fingers to his lips. He could feel his breath. Shitty Glasses laughed at him and Erwin grinned slyly. Eren was killing him. "You're going to kill me."

"I might," Levi admitted. "If you don't give me my hand back."

Eren released him, abruptly. Levi didn't expect it and his hand dropped into Eren's lap. "Oh ho. I didn't expect this."

"Shut the fuck up. I didn't expect you to let me go so soon," Levi grimaced, crossing his arms. He ignored the fact that he felt like a child, he was embarrassed. Eren stared at him.

"Oh my goddess, you two are so cute!" Shitty Glasses squealed. Eren gave them a look, even going as far as to flip them off. The gesture was lost on them, they only laughed. Levi felt sympathy for Eren in that moment. Erwin looked affronted.

"Erwin, quit acting like an old woman who just heard a five year old curse. Eren drank your scotch and you didn't care. Priorities," Levi sighed. Erwin looked away.

"Point taken," he grunted, getting up from the table. "If you'll excuse me, I have paper work to do."

Eren watched him leave with thoughtful eyes. "He's well respected, isn't he? Powerful?"

"Unfortunately," Levi remarked, Erwin was such a stain. A really stubborn one. "Why?"

"What are you planning? Something devious I hope!" Shitty Glasses cackled. Eren smiled.

"What would happen if we shave off his eyebrows?" Levi stared at him. Shitty Glasses looked thoughtful. "I swear, it's where his power lies. Without them, he's nothing."

"Eren, what are you on and where can I get some?" Levi asked over  
Shitty Glasses obnoxious laughter.

"Oh, Levi. I'm not on drugs," Eren giggled. Levi wasn't falling for it. "I'm just a tiny bit fucked up, that's all."

Shitty Glasses snorted, like a pig. "Oh," they gasp. "You are a hoot."

"Hange. What the fuck?" Levi was offended by their very existence. "A "hoot"? Are you fucking serious? Why are you like this?"

"I told you once, I'll tell ya twice!" Eren slapped a hand on his mouth to stop from laughing. "I have an incessant need and I'm not sorry!"

"I also have an incessant need," Eren stuck his tongue out, hand inching over to Levi's crotch. Levi tried and failed to control his breathing. "And I hope to the goddesses that you make me sorry."

"Eren," Levj scowled at him. Eren laughed and put his hands up in surrender.

"Okay, okay. I'll stop. I promise," Eren crossed his fingers, blatantly. He looked at said fingers, feigning confusion. The little shit. "Oops, how did that happen?"

"You should definitely keep him," Shitty Glasses poked him in the cheek, babbling away. They were practically yelling. "He's totally a keeper. Definitely a keeper. A keeper keeper. Keeping the keeper is what you're doing! No buts!" they paused. "One butt, his butt!"

Levi slapped their hand away, wiping his face with a napkin. He ignored their last comment, giving them a withering glare. "When was the last time you bathed?"

"I don't know. Maybe sometime last week?" they paused, thoughtfully. Oh no. They had to actually think about it? What the fuck? "Wait, no. It's been longer than that."

"Well, you smell like shit. Go," he got up and grabbed them by their greasy, filthy hair. He regretted it. "Now."

"Can you manhandle me like that?" Eren asked, his eyes full of mischief. Levi didn't react, which was no easy feat. Shitty Glasses did though.

"Woohoo, the boy's kinky! Perfect for you, huh Levi?" Levi kicked them in the shin. "Ow! Why?"

"You know why, you piece of shit. Go. Bathe," he pushed them and they go, cackling. He turned to Eren, his eyes full of righteous rage. Eren smiled.

"So, I met the rest of the squad. I don't think they like me," Eren giggled. "Oluo in particular."

Levi frowned at the thought. Oluo really needed to stop acting like him. "It doesn't matter if they don't like you. You're on the squad because I chose you. They can shove it for all I care."

"And all the rumors say you're not romantic," Eren gasped. "I've been lied to."

"Why would you ever believe rumors?" Levi raised a brow at him.

"Oh, I don't. I just love to talk shit," Eren picked up his plate and everyone else's too. He skipped into the kitchen, the plates rattling annoyingly. Levi shook his head. "Everyone feels the need to talk shit back except theirs is made up and mines not. I know my shit talk."

Levi followed him, his eyes watching him critically as he washed the dishes. He actually scrubbed instead of just moving the rag over the plate. "Nice technique."

"Oh? This?" Eren laughed. "It's nothing. I just try to wash away my sins while I'm at it and my knuckles just suddenly become red!"

"You have a shit ton of problems."

"Yep," Eren shot him a sweet smile. "But doesn't everyone?"

Levi looked at him, searching his eyes. Something was wrong, horribly wrong. And he was sure it had something to do with the first vision. He left Eren to wash the dishes, too caught up in his thoughts to notice Eren's eyes. Eyes that held panic and terror in them.

 

~~~

The 57th expedition was when he noticed something else about Eren. It was after the fall of their comrades. It was after they fought the female titan to avenge them. Eren had walked up to him with a content smile. His teeth were pink. Blood. There was blood in his mouth. Enough to show on his teeth with a temporary stain. What did he do? "Eren?"

"Yeah," Levi searched his eyes and what he found there had him hugging the taller boy. "What's this about?"

Levi scrambled for an excuse. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. "For avoiding you."

Eren laughed and Levi's heart ached.. "It's fine. I'm used to it. Apparently, I'm exhausting to deal with."

Levi hummed, fingers digging into  
Eren's back. "You are but it's worth it."

"Levi," Eren breathed, hand cupping Levi's cheek. He kissed everywhere but Levi's lips. "As much as I'd like to continue this talk, now's not the time."

He nodded and released him. He shot his deceased team one last look before leaving. Eren didn't seem to care at all. Eren didn't care. Eren didn't care. Eren didn't care. _Eren didn't care._

~~~

He avoided Eren after that. And he's not proud of that. But he couldn't help it. His squad had just died and Eren hadn't reacted at all. He had smiled. He'd acted like they hadn't just been ripped to pieces by a titan. And that hurt. Hurt so much that Levi cried. Fir the first time since Farlan and Isabel's deaths, he cried. Really cried. It was ugly and, even though he wanted to wail, he kept quiet. Afraid that if he was too loud, everyone would hear his weakness. It didn't stop Eren from hearing. And Levi didn't expect Eren to hold him. To hum a lullaby while stroking his hair and rubbing his back. And it calmed the raging agony in his chest and he was so grateful that Eren had held him together. He never said anything, he just held him. And he loved Eren for it. He showed it. He slammed his lips to Eren's, giving him hardly any time to react before he has his tongue practically down his throat. And Levi worshiped Eren that night. Worshipped him with everything he was, reveling in the soft gasps and sighs. Eating the moan and groans. And he knew that it was too fast but he didn't want to stop. And neither did Eren, by the loom of things. And when Eren started crying, Levi almost joined him. Instead, he devoted himself wholly to making sure Eren was feeling good. And he loved it. Every bit of it.

He hated himself for it.

The morning after was horrifying for Levi. He was so ashamed. He took a shower and got dressed, leaving Eren tangled in his sheets. He hated himself. He was disgusting. He decided to clean, like he always does when he's stressed. He made his wag into the kitchen and pulled the cleaning supplies out. He got ready, donning his cloves and bandanas. Then, he cleaned. He cleaned everything in the kitchen. _Everything._ There wasn't a single spec of dust when he was done. 

He sighed when he finished putting everything away and prepared himself to talk to Hange. He needed their advice whether he liked it or not. He didn't expect to run into Eren. He froze when he noticed the smile on the boy's face. "Levi!"

He ignored him and kept walking, cursing himself for hurting Eren. Cursing Eren for loving him. Cursing himself for loving Eren. Cursing everything under the sun. He hesitated when Eren called out to him. "You need more time? That's okay. It's okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I can wait."

And he could hear the lie in his voice, the desperation. He kept walking and he cursed himself for it. He barged into Hange's messy office, too gone in selfhatred to notice it. "I fucked up, Hange. I fucked up big time."

"What did you do?" Hange asked, as giddy and bubbly as ever. But their eyes glinted in the candlelight 

"I slept with Eren," Levi confessed. A pause. Hange's voice was intrigued but cautious when they finally spoke.

"And that's a bad thing?"

Levi sighed again, rubbing his face with his hands. "Yes. Yes, I'm twice his fucking age! I fucked a fifteen year old child, Hange! A  _child!_ "

"Age of consent is fourteen, Levi. You've done nothing wrong," Hange said, sternly. Levi was having none of it.

"Bullshit!" he slammed his hand on their desk. "I've been leading this kid on since day one! All because I can't let that case go!"

"The case you took three years ago? The mauler case?" Hange sounded surprised. Levi was too. That wasn't what this was about. "Do you suspect Eren?"

"Yes." What was he saying? This wasn't about the mauler case, this was about the fact that he's a disgusting old pervert who used Eren as a distraction.

Hange nodded. "Why?"

"When I first saw him in the market place, it wasn't pretty. This kid is fucked up, always has been." Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

"What do you mean? What was he doing?" Hange's eyes were wide with concern. Levi wanted to stop.

"He was mumbling to himself. Talking to himself about blood and the noise. It was freaky." He couldn't. And he hated himself because of it.

"Why didn't you bring him in then?" Hange asked and Levi remembers the vision and his confusion. And the fact that he had no evidence. And that he didn't care anymore.

"I didn't have any evidence, Hange!" he shouted, annoyed. Goddess, why can't he stop? Why can't he tell the truth?

"You don't have any evidence now, either. Hmm," Hange hummed, thoughtfully. "You've been leading him on for this? Eren's a good kid, despite your suspicions, and, honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself. He's in love with you," Hange was angry with him. Levi was angry with himself too. "That boy loves you more than anything, you can't deny it. I know that you've seen it."

Levi sighed. He ached. "I know, Hange. I'm a piece of shit. I'm sorry. I just can't look at him," he . "I.... care for him, really I do. More than I should, in fact."

"Then what's the problem?" their voice was soft now, soothing.

"I'm scared," he said it softly. It felt good to admit it. He let out a breath of relief. Then he heard it, the sobbing. It was from outside. He opened Hange's door and looked around. He gasped at what he found. There, on the floor by Hange's door, was Eren. He was curled up in a ball, eyes wide and fingers bloody. Levi eyes widened, he was chewing on them. Slurred mumbles traveled to Levi's ears, he couldn't understand it. He dropped down to Eren's level. "Fuck, Eren. Are you okay? Eren, answer me. Tell me what's wrong!" he took Eren's chin in his hand and angled it towards him. Eren's eyes were blank. "Hange!"

Hange hurried over and gasped. "What happened? Eren?"

Eren mumbled some more. Levi couldn't understand him. Eren wheezed.

"I don't know what happened. He was like this when I found him," Levi shook him. Eren stares at him. "Fuck! What do we do?"

"I don't know! I don't have any sedatives on hand. There's nothing I can do," Hange said, their voice panicked and apologetic. Eren giggled hysterically when Levi shool him again. "I'm... I'm sorry. Just try to calm him down."

"Calm him?" he asked. "He's unresponsive, Hange. How do I do that?"

Hange's voice grew softer. "I don't know, Levi. I don't know."

Levi ran his fingers through Eren's hair, stroked his cheeks, and did the only thing he could think of. He kissed him. Eren's pulled away. "Levi?" he whispered his name in awe, slurred and nearly incomprehensible. "Why are you hurting me?"

"Eren, I didn't mean to! Wait! Fuck, Eren, wait!" Levi chocked out but Eren's already gone. He gasped wetly, tears stinging his eyes, and marched off to his own room. He stared into the darkness until morning.

He was very irritable. He got dressed and left for the mess hall, not bothering with a shower as he usually would. And when someone bumped into him he growled. "Watch where your going," he snapped, looking up to see Eren. "Eren?"

Eren smiled, empty and fake. "I'm sorry. I'll make sure to be careful from now on. If you'll excuse me," he pushed past Levi who panicked and grabbed his wrist. He ducked his head away.

"Eren, wait!" he sighed and loosened his grip on Eren. "I just - I don't - I'm, uh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Eren froze as if someone's shocked him. "You're sorry? For what?"

"For hurting you," Levi released him but Eren doesn't move. He took that a a good sign. "For everything. I'm just... sorry. You didn't deserve to find out that way. I should've - if I'd just - I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Eren said, voice shaky and weak. He cleared his throat. "It's fine."

Levi walked around to stand in front of him. Eren refused to look at him. Levi sighed and messed with his hair, biting his lip. He deserved that. "I'm bad at this. Can we, uh, can we talk? Now?"

Eren looked at him and Levi's heart fluttered. "Yeah," he whispered, breathlessly. He licked his lips. "We can talk."

Then, they were in Levi's room and Eren was seated on his bed. And Levi was panicking because he didn't know what to say. He paced and paced and paced. Then, he made his way over tk Eren and kneeled between his legs. Eren, look, I don't know how to say this," he sighed, running a hand over his face, looking at Eren through the spaces between his fingers. "Fuck it. I'm just gonna say it. I know that you killed those people, that you're the elusive mauler."

"Yeah? What are you going to do about it?" Eren whispered, not at all surprised.

"Nothing," Levi shrugs. "I don't have any evidence and I don't really care. I've known since I first met you and I never could figure out why I didn't take you in. I know why now. I've thought about it a lot, all night in fact, and goddess knows I've done worse things. I don't know what your motive was, but I gather it doesn't matter anymore, does it?" Levi smirks at him but then his eyes darken. "I know you overheard my conversation with Hange. I know that it hurt you and there's nothing I can say that will take away that hurt," he sighs and rubs Eren's knee. "And I'm so sorry."

"Levi," Eren breathed with a smile. He pulled him into his lap and into a kiss. Levi melted into it immediately. "I love you."

Levi froze. Shocked. Then he's pulled Eren into a bruising kiss, licking his way into his mouth almost violently. And he was whispering against his lips, wanting it watch it sink into his very skin. "I love you, I love you, I love you so much."

"I love you," Eren repeated, saying it louder this time. "I love you," he kissed Levi's nose. "I love you," his eyelids. "I love you," his cheeks. "I love you," his forehead. "I love you," and his lips, one, two, three, four times. Levi laughed.

"I love you," they were both giggling like schoolgirls but they didn't care. Then Eren started crying and Levi kissed his tears away _._

Eren spent the day with him, acquiring quite a few more hickeys even though he refused to take his undershirt off. Levi had smiled at him and sucked little roses onto his hips and inner thighs. Levi wouldn't question him. He just wanted Eren tk be happy. He loved him so much. And when they were exhausted, Levi held Eren. And it was perfect. And when Levi asked him about the murders, Eren answered him. "It was me."

"Oh, okay," Levi tightened his embrace and Eren moaned when he kissed his nape. "Tell me about it?"

Eren shifted in Levi's embrace, turning to face him. And Levi took his left hand in his right, leaving his arm for Eren to rest his head on. Eren smiled and played with Levi's fingers. Levi thought it was adorable. "It was the only job I could get. We needed the money. Mikasa couldn't find any work and I wasn't about to let her work in a brothel. And even if there had been any jobs, Armin wasn't physically able to do manual labor."

Levi kissed his temple. "You don't have to tell me. I can wait."

"I want to," he smiled and pressed Levi's finger to his lips. He seemed to like doing it. "My boss, Fitz, was eager to see how a kid would do in his gang. He let me in and he payed well. Extremely well. It was.... hard," he paused and Levi waited. "At first. But, after a while, it became easy. Too easy. I quit after I joined the military."

Levi didn't speak for a moment. "Alright," he said after a while. "I'm glad that you told me."

"Yeah?" Eren giggled. "You're not scared? I could rip your throat out at any time, you know. I used my teeth too," he licked a strip up Levi's throat and it shouldn't have been as hot as it was. He giggled and nipped at his trachea. "I won't, for now."

"Brat," Levi responded immediately, and flicked him on the forehead. Eren laughed and smiled against his throat. Levi shivered, pulling his shoulder up. Eren breathed against his neck once more. Levi shiver again, snorting. He froze. "Don't start. Stop."

"Oh? But I was having fun," Eren pulled away and pouts. A grin replaced it almost immediately. "I never thought you'd be ticklish. Interesting."

"Don't tell Hange," Levi said, sternly. "They'll never let me live it down."

"I won't," Eren blew air into his ear, watching him squirm. "Oh, I like this."

"Not now," Levi sighed and curled up around Eren, effectively hiding his neck from him. "Sleep. Now."

Eren smiled and kissed his nose before he did just that.

~~~

The next day, after Levi had pampered Eren, they carried out the mission to capture Annie Leonhart.  And they were successful. Eren had volunteered to question Annie. He hadn't gotten any answers today. It's nighttime now and their hair is damp from the shower. And it's perfect. Eren is in his arms, pressing kisses to his jaw every now and then. And everything is perfect. And Levi is happy. So fucking happy.

"Eren?" he murmurs, running his fingers up and down Eren's back. Eren hums against him. Levi smiles. "I love you."

"I love you too," and then Eren kisses him and Levi's world explodes into color, despite his eyes being closed.

Eren falls asleep after peppering his face with kisses and Levi's not far behind. He brushes his fingers against the pink string connecting them and smiles at the future ahead of them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? I bet you didn't expect that, huh? I wrote this all today so I hope it isn't too bad. And most of it is in past tense because Levi's reminiscing. The end is the present though. Tell me, would you guys like more of Levi's pov in the future? This was actually super fun to write. I love Levi. Anyways, please comment. It fuels me.


	12. remarque

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read this. It's pretty important.

Hello again. It's me, back at again with the author's notes. But seriously, this is a good announcement. Do you want to know why? Because it's finally up, folks! The first chapter of the sequel, [tear me to pieces](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16002485/chapters/37337825), is up! Please go check it out!


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